Why Communicating About Sex is So Difficult and The Orgasm Gap with Becky Lund-Harket

Listen to "Why Communicating About Sex is So Difficult and The Orgasm Gap with Becky Lund-Harket".

In this episode, Hannah is joined by Becky Lund-Harket, who is the Head of Public Engagement and a workshop facilitator at the School of Sexuality Education as well as the founder of the Candid Collective. Becky discusses why people feel dissatisfaction in sexual and romantic relationships (spoiler: it's because of poor communication!) and gets into why we find communication so difficult, as well as talking about some good and bad examples from TV. Becky and Hannah talk about the orgasm gap, how sex ed can help to close that gap, and why orgasms shouldn't be the main focus of pleasure. Finally, Hannah and Becky discuss the double standards involved with nudes and sexting.

Read the episode transcript here!

SHOW NOTES

What we chat about…

How did Becky get into the world of sex ed?
What made her want to start the Candid Collective?
People being dissatisfied with their relationships because of an inability to communicate about their sex lives
Not knowing how to communicate effectively
What does the Candid Collective do?
The generation of people who had really bad sex education
Learning with your hands
Doing something else at the same time as having conversations about sex with your partner(s) to help you feel more comfortable
People learning about sex and relationships from TV and films
Poor communication in TV and films
Jay and Lola in Big Mouth
Dealing with miscommunication
What is the orgasm gap and why is it important?
The gendered orgasm gap
The binary terms used in academic research
Research on the orgasm gap showing heterosexual men orgasm 95% of the time in partnered sex and heterosexual women only 65%
Where do bisexual people fit into the research?
The orgasm gap between heterosexual women and lesbian women
The general heteronormative perspective of sex
Orgasm is not the goal of pleasure
Orgasms being easier to measure in research
Pleasure research!
Orgasms affecting people's sexual satisfaction even if they had a great time without them
Societal expectations of orgasm
Can you have orgasm without pleasure?
How can you use sex ed in the classroom to stop these things happening in the future?
Teaching age appropriate sex ed
The gendered expectations around sex that we understand from a young age
What sort of things come up when Becky is teaching in schools? What scares her? What gives her hope?
Meeting young people where they're at
What are the conversations in schools around nudes and sexting like?
The legality of sending nudes
Non-consensual sharing of nudes
The gendered reality of sharing nudes
The currency of nudes
Navigating break-ups and nudes (41:35)
Tips for breaking the cycle of sex ending when penis ejaculates (44:11)
What are sexual scripts?
How do I stop feeling guilty when my male partner doesn't come? I hate it but it's so ingrained in me. (49:08)

MORE ABOUT BECKY LUND-HARKET

Becky Lund-Harket (she/her) is the Head of Public Engagement and a Workshop Facilitator at School of Sexuality Education. School of Sexuality Education deliver workshops for young people on topics ranging from porn, consent and healthy relationships to periods and genital anatomy. Their approach is intersectional, feminist, non-binary and sex positive. They support young people and those working with them to ensure everyone has access to a complete, inclusive and comprehensive sex and relationships education.

Becky is also the Founder of The Candid Collective. Candid host fun and informative workshops for adults across London and online. Their discursive and research-led events focus on sex, bodies and relationships with the aim of starting open conversations.

Becky strongly believes that the quality of the relationships we have, including with ourselves, determine the quality of our lives.