Sexual Desire and the Three Times a Week Myth with Dr Karen Gurney
In this episode, Hannah is joined by Dr Karen Gurney, who is a clinical psychologist, psychosexologist, and author of the book “Mind the Gap: The Truth about Desire and how to Futureproof Your Sex Life”. Karen discusses desire and also the myths around the average frequency of sex. She and Hannah talk about how we have no actual measurement for desire, and what good sex actually is. Finally, Hannah and Karen discuss how to find out what good sex is for you, the idea of sexual currency, and whether or not scheduling sex is a good idea.
Read the episode transcript here!
SHOW NOTES
What we chat about…
Why did Karen write Mind the Gap and who is its intended audience?
The myth that happy healthy couples have penetrative sex three times a week
Do people find it difficult to figure out what is important to them in good sex?
Actual sex frequency statistics for the UK
What desire actually is
The sex drive myth
The idea of spontaneous and responsive desire
What is sexual currency? Why is it so important?
What is spontaneous desire?
What is the one thing Karen would suggest for people to improve their sex lives?
What is responsive desire?
Not feeling like having sex
Building up desire
Whether or not to schedule sex
The importance of talking to your partner(s) about sex
What exactly happens in sex therapy? (45:20)
I’m poly and I notice different levels of desire between my partners. Does this indicate different levels of trust, emotional bond, or commitment? (46:32)
What might cause lower levels of desire?
At what point does low desire become a problem and when should I seek help? (50:00)
USEFUL LINKS
Worksheet to discover what you think is important in sex: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1oFcK755Ne-0hcIOuQ5futwDgruxgnkyt/view
Natsal sex survey: https://www.natsal.ac.uk/home.aspx
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22609341-come-as-you-are
Dr Rosemary Basson’s model of desire: https://www.thecut.com/2018/04/the-misunderstood-science-of-sexual-desire.html
Dr Karen Gurney’s TED Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krA8-_iXptE
MORE ABOUT DR KAREN GURNEY
Dr Karen Gurney (@thesexdoctor), is an NHS clinical psychologist/psychosexologist on a mission to improve the sex lives of the nation by translating research and clinical experience to normalise and improve people’s relationship with sex. She believes that sex is always political and brings this intersectional perspective plus her vast experience in this field (and with marginalised groups such as the LGBTQ+ community) to challenge people’s thinking. She is also Director of The Havelock Clinic, an independent sexual problems service offering innovative, accessible and low cost online workshops for better sex as well as free downloadable tools and worksheets. As part of her mission to educate, inform and challenge widely held ideas that harm people’s sex lives she did her first TEDx talk and wrote her first book, ‘Mind The Gap: the truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life’ in 2020.
Mind the Gap: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52243236-mind-the-gap
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thesexdoctor/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/karengurney5
Website: https://thehavelockclinic.com/
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