Autism, Dating and Relationships with Thomas Henley | Transcript
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Hannah Witton
Welcome to Doing It with me, Hannah Witton, where we talk all things sex, relationships, dating, and our bodies. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to Doing It. So before I get into my guest and the topic this week, at the time you're listening to this, I am a married woman. Dan and I got married at the weekend and that's all I can really say because I'm recording this ahead of time, so I have no idea how it all went, or how it felt. But yay, I got married. Imagine if the government announced last minute another lockdown and we had to cancel the wedding and I'm not married. That would be pretty awkward. But all right, on to the episode.
My guest this week is Thomas Henley from Aspergers Growth. Thomas is a YouTuber, podcaster, and speaker on topics around autism and mental health and this episode is all about autism, dating and relationships. We actually recorded this episode just as the documentary Love On The Spectrum was released on Netflix, so neither of us got a chance to watch it before chatting. But I have since watched it and so we can absolutely chat about that further on social media, if you would like to discuss. And actually since recording this episode, Thomas has started a series on his YouTube channel called dating and autistic. And there's two episodes so far and if you are someone who is neurotypical and dating someone who is autistic, I would recommend checking those videos out. So in this episode, Thomas and I talk about communication, different issues that could potentially arise in a relationship where one person is autistic and the other is neurotypical, we talk about recognising signs of flirting, and also learning how to flirt in order to let someone know that you're interested, and we talk about potential sensory issues in sex. And I learned some new terms like sensory seeking, and sensory defensive. I hope that you enjoyed this episode. As usual, you can find links to everything we mentioned in the show notes on our website, DoingItPodcast.co.uk. And please let us know what you think over on social media, we're @DoingItPodcast on Instagram and Twitter. Thanks for listening and here's Thomas Henley.
Hey, Thomas, I'm so excited to talk to you about autism and dating. I feel like this is a topic that has been requested a bunch. So really happy to have you.
Thomas Henley
Thank you for asking me to come on. I know we had a little bit of a chat over emails a couple of months ago, around the start of isolation.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, well, thank you for just being so open and willing. So I guess first of all, I wanted to ask you, when were you diagnosed with autism and what that process was like for you? And how did it then lead to you kind of like working in, you know, awareness raising and the support work that you're doing now.
Thomas Henley
So I was diagnosed when I was about 10 years old and I think with with all parents of autistic people, they do pick up on some traits beforehand, but then, obviously as they learn more about autism, and they go down that rabbit hole, then it makes more sense. And I was kind of at the point of going into, going from primary to kind of secondary school or like later primary and I started, that's around about the time I started to notice that I was a little bit different to other people.
Hannah Witton
What things stood out for you?
Thomas Henley
Hmmm. I think it's just the general fit, the feeling, the general sort of not understanding social contexts and not really
Hannah Witton
Right.
Thomas Henley
It's kind of like feeling like an alien on planet Earth, that's the best way of describing it.
Hannah Witton
Fair enough.
Thomas Henley
But yeah, it was it was a really good it's a good thing for me to to hear at such a young age because it gave me a good lens to view the world in and it helped a lot with me sort of processing some of the more negative experience that I that I had when I was in secondary school.
Hannah Witton
Okay. And then when did you start Aspergers Growth?
Thomas Henley
I started Aspergers Growth when I was in my second year at uni.
Hannah Witton
Okay, so fast forward.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, fast forward. I was actually at a time going for quite a bad breakup. And honestly, like it was proper, it properly, It was pretty, I know, it's quite, relevant to the podcast
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I love that. I'm sorry about the breakup. But -
Thomas Henley
No, it was, it was tough, but it was kind of one of those moments where, you know, I want to improve myself kind of thing I'm gonna be, I'm gonna make this into something productive. And I started off, basically just talking about myself, and my experiences. And after a while of doing my own sort of personal growth, over three or four years, I started to, I guess, so get get over a lot of the negative traits associated with autism.
Hannah Witton
Okay.
Thomas Henley
And a grow, I grew a lot more and I had a lot of novel ways of dealing with some of the more negative sides of things. And it started to become more of a kind of self improvement channel after a while.
Hannah Witton
Nice, and do a lot of other autistic people watch your content? Has it kind of like reached that community?
Thomas Henley
Yeah, I think, I mean, I don't have the most massive following on YouTube. But the, the people who are engaged with me and watch my videos on a regular basis, have messaged me quite often to, you know, say that, you know, my advice and my ways of explaining autism to, I guess neurotypicals, is very novel and new and just generally quite a positive, positive feedback I guess.
Hannah Witton
That's so good. Yeah, I guess before I dive into some of the questions about dating and relationships, could you please clarify for our listeners, but also for me, the difference between Autism and Asperger's? Because I feel like I don't even know the detail of this.
Thomas Henley
It's actually it's actually quite, it's quite complicated because it used to be a separate thing, Autism and Asperger's used to be separate. It's basically based on functioning, and your ability to sort of be independent and,
Hannah Witton
okay,
Thomas Henley
Deal with, not have too much of a difficulty in certain areas and have average or above average intelligence, there's a lot of things to do with Asperger's that make, I guess it can be described more as the invisible diagnosis, because depending on the person, it can be, either quite, you know, like, as we said, with the film that we've watched about Adam, it can be quite seeable, I guess.
Hannah Witton
Right? Okay.
Thomas Henley
But for most people, it's it's kind of, they've gone through the whole lives trying to fit in and learn more about other people and, you know, learn all of those social stuff. So it's quite hidden and unseen.
Hannah Witton
Okay, so like, all of the stereotypical tropes of autism that I might be aware of, someone with aspergers, like, I might not know, because they they're not showing any of the things that I have understood to, like, look out for basically.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, yeah, definitely. So a good example would be myself, like, nobody, not even if they're in the special needs department, or the psychologist, or they work with autistic people, nobody can tell that I'm autistic. At all
Hannah Witton
Okay.
Thomas Henley
It surprises people quite a lot.
Hannah Witton
I guess that is a blessing and a curse as well, because then you have to often disclose, and actually that came up a lot in some of the questions that people on our Instagram asked. But before I dive into those, because there were there were so many, a lot of people really want to talk about this. Autism and relationships; why is this important to talk about? And I guess what are some common misconceptions around autism and dating and relationships?
Thomas Henley
Well, I think just because of how well any, any video that I've done around dating and relationships has gone, it does seem like there is a very much a need for people to talk about autism and relationships. There are a lot of difficulties because it's kind of, it's kind of like existing on a different wavelength. Our natural gut reactions to problems in relationships are things that are considered to be norms or social norms aren't exactly, they don't exist in both autistic and neurotypical people. So there is that crossover.
Hannah Witton
Is it just like, I mean, to be honest, a lot of the norms that come up in dating, even as someone who's neurotypical, I'm just like, why are we doing this? Like, like, all of all of the rules, and the norms around dating, are designed to actually not tell someone how you feel and just imply how you feel and just hope that the other person picks up on all of your really bad subtle cues. And I guess that could potentially be quite difficult for someone with autism.
Thomas Henley
Yes, I think a lot of just like biological attraction as well as is to do with that sort of process of learning more about the person and going for a little bit of a, you know, intrigue and you know, the mystery around them, I need to try and figure out what they like me or all of that kind of that hidden as you said, subtle stuff, is quite difficult to discern. Whereas in my ideal world, it would be hello, I find you attractive. Would you like to go on a date?
Hannah Witton
Yeah, cuz that would might potentially be taken in a different way, even though I often give that advice of like, how should I ask someone out? I'm just like, just ask them, it's fine. It's a tricky one for everyone. And yeah, maybe it wouldn't be better for everyone. If we were all just a bit more upfront about our feelings, hey.
Thomas Henley
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
But yes, so what's the thing that people assume is the hardest about dating and relationships when you're autistic, versus what is actually the hardest thing?
Thomas Henley
Hmm. I think that, if we were to talk about the actual, the hardest things that would, as I said, just kind of kind of existing on a different wavelength, the things, the reactions to things and the the, the implied feelings are not there when it when it comes to autistic people. Were a lot more sort of blunt and honest and upfront, and I guess that's something that presents a lot of challenges in relationships. For example, if we if there was to be a problem, or a difficulty that we were going to discuss, then our natural instinct would be to try and solve it on the spot. And we didn't, we don't really take into account that emotional angle, that sort of appreciating of a persons stance and understanding their emotions first, it's more of like, responding quite logically, and I guess of like, blunt.
Hannah Witton
Is there a way that you've found to help navigate that?
Thomas Henley
Yeah, I think it's, it's always good to open up a dialogue about the differences, it's important to make your partner aware of the differences in your natural reactions to things.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Thomas Henley
There can be a lot of problems around feelings. And, for example, if you're considering that a lot of autistic people have mental health problems, anxiety, and depression can obviously get in the way of connecting with another person, both physically and emotionally.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, so I obviously always say to people about how important communication is in relationships, and I came across this term meta communication, which is basically communicating about how you communicate. Because everybody communicates differently, and then obviously, if you have autism, or mental health issues, on top of just being an individual, then it's probably even more important to then have those conversations about how do you communicate like what, what are the things that you do, like if you're, if you're angry, if you're sad, like what are your go to like methods of, of dealing with that. Or you're, like, before you're even having an issue in a relationship, if it's like, hey, if we have a problem, how would we go about, how would we solve that like in the future, so like, yeah, creating those building blocks, the meta communication,
Thomas Henley
Meta communication, I've never heard of that term, but I do think that it's especially important for relationships, where there's an autistic person and a neurotypical person, because especially when there's a lot of emotions surrounding topics and stuff. We tend to be quite, depending on the person, we tend to be quite sensitive to confrontation or emotion.
Hannah Witton
Okay.
Thomas Henley
So I, in a lot of occasions, if I'm not really having a good day, or I don't have a lot of energy, we can do this thing called shut down which is, I'm sure you've heard of like meltdowns and stuff before, well shut down's basically, when you become basically mute, or you find it extremely hard to process language, and you either don't fully appreciate what another person's saying, or you can't formulate a response. And that's usually triggered when a person is put under pressure to response at to respond to something. So if you're having like an argument or a disagreement, then it can, you can be, it can be hard to deal with all of those incoming emotions, and you can sort of get into shut down a little bit
Hannah Witton
I didn't know that. I guess that's good for people to be aware of. So we've got some questions from our Instagram, and I want to spend a lot of time on them just because there were so many. And there are some from people who are autistic, and then others from people who are in relationships with people who are autistic, or friends and family. So this one is, how and when to tell someone that you're dating that you have autism?
Thomas Henley
That's a difficult one. It's very much dependent on your yourself and the other person. You know, if they tend to be quite high in trait openness, and they quite interested in, I guess, being more open minded, then it's going to be easier to tell someone that you're on the spectrum. Not to say that there are any challenges to it, but I think the best way to tackle it is just to if it comes up in conversation, like if it just happens to come up in conversation, then talk about it rather than sort of sitting them down and saying, right, look, I'm autistic, we're going to have these difficulties. You know, it's gotta be more natural and
Hannah Witton
Yeah. I guess there's also something to be said for once it does come up, or you do bring it up, then just kind of being like, hey, if you have any questions, like, yeah, I'm happy to answer but, but also giving, I guess, giving everyone a bit of time to either come up with questions or to respond to them as well, I guess.
Thomas Henley
Yeah. I think the best way to think about that is, yeah, do you want to get into a relationship where someone finds your autism, I don't know, like, turn off or something that that would be an issue. I think, if you are able to be upfront and confident and sure yourself, and it, in my experience, it's more of a topic of intrigue and interest rather than something that is like a difficult conversation.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, that's a that's a good way of framing it. Yeah, when you're just like in that dating stage and getting to know each other, you're like, here's another thing about me. Someone has asked, what kind of sensory issues could arise during sex? And how is it best to explain them?
Thomas Henley
Yeah, so I think there's there's two dimensions to that, there's the difficulties to do with sex, there's two dimensions; there's a sensory aspect and there's the sort of social anxiety around not really, because you know, like, sex is quite a different thing for every single person, and not every single person is comfortable talking about it. And I think the main thing to do with the sensory aspects would be whether the person is hyper or hypo sensitive. So for example, if if you're hyper sensitive and things, acts that are quite intense and prolonged for a long period of time, then it can be quite difficult and quite anxiety provoking. And we also have another set of terms called sensory seeking and sensory defensive,
Hannah Witton
I'm learning so much. What are those things?
Thomas Henley
Yeah, so sensory defensive is is basically the avoidance of a single, a singular sense, or a singular type of, for example is sex you would certain things you would be comfortable with doing and certain things will be a little bit too intense. So
Hannah Witton
Right, okay. So it's like being able to understand your boundaries. and being able to communicate them.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, it's like with kissing, for example. For me, I find, like French kissing, you know, like tongs and stuff quite, I can't, I can't deal with it. It like sends, sends my brain haywire and it's, not in a good way. But I am very happy to do like mouth kisses and stuff. And that transfers quite well into things like sex and
Hannah Witton
Yeah, so it can be like really specific things then.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, yeah, definitely. But at the other end of the spectrum, you can help people who are very sensory seeking and I know, I know, in particular, a couple where I'm friends with the neurotypical in the relationship, and they find that their autistic partner is just always on it. And like, they really struggle to try and tame them, it's just so incessant. And it's, it's very different person to person.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Thomas Henley
And it can be as minor as not cuddling before you sleep or in, you know, maybe changing up positions, so that you're like spooning, instead of having your head on the chest, or it's very independent on the person, dependent rather.
Hannah Witton
Yes, its like individual case basis. Someone asked how to spice things up without upsetting your partner's routine. So I'm assuming that the partner is autistic.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, that's a difficult one. Because, as, again, I'm gonna say this a lot, but depending on the person, routine can be something that isn't really much of a problem and that they don't need to diligently stick by. But it tends tends to be with the individuals who suffer with those sort of secondary mental health characteristics like anxiety that routine is quite a big thing. And I think, in a relationship is it's always, it's always good to try and highlight times of the day, or, or at least slight, ask your partner when, if they would like to, prior to it, which I guess sort of kills a lot of the romance from, for some people.
Hannah Witton
I don't know, spontaneous sex is overrated.
Thomas Henley
Well, just, it's nice, it's nice to have, to have that. But especially if your partner's struggling a lot it can be, and, you know, due to the fact of not really picking up on the, the body language and the facial expressions and the tonality of the voice, that would imply that the other person wants that sex, it can be difficult to spring on you.
Hannah Witton
Maybe something that they could do, so obviously, there's so many different aspects of sex that you could spice up or change. So it could be, like you said, the time of day, the location of it, the specific sex acts that you do, whether you introduce toys, whether you introduce porn, you know, that there's so many different things that you could change. So is it a case of like picking one and everything else within the routine stays the same. So it's like, I guess that might be easier as well, because then you can kind of like, build.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, I think that definitely having a day or two, like, having having the weekend as specifically like, this is the time that we that we do things together as a couple and sort of, as you said, like open communication about what they would be willing to try and what they would be very adverse to try. I think, because we are so honest and truthful about our feelings and force then it can be very, it can be very easy and effective option just to ask, you know
Hannah Witton
Yeah, just ask,
Thomas Henley
But in terms of actually, like, get if your partner is quite sensory, defensive, and they are struggling with anxiety, the best, the best thing that I found that helps is massages, like
Hannah Witton
Oooo.
Thomas Henley
I think that because because we're very responsive to that sensory feedback of the massage it can, you know, put things into a quiet relaxed state. And, you know, when people are relaxed and then they tend to get a little bit more randy. You don't want to be stressing off your head trying to navigate the complex world of sex and stuff.
Hannah Witton
Exactly. Um, I really love this next question, how does autism enhance a relationship?
Thomas Henley
Hmm. I think that, as I said, that honesty and self, being upfront and truthful about things can take a relationship a long way. I think it's, once you are comfortable and relaxed and you understand your partner, it can, it can really be the case in a relationship where the neurotypical can be quite a source of stability and quite a person that they're close to. And considering that a lot of autistic people struggle with friendships, and they struggle with any sort of human relationship, that person can be quite, you know, you can look at them in with gleaming eyes and an all that kind of stuff. But there's also a lot of there's a lot of utility in it, because it's, it's being very problem solving kind of, to it. We're very good at putting aside our immediate emotions to speak about something like objectively and solving things out, thinking of ways to get over problems that the other partner has in their life, dissecting things and kind of giving a new perspective on life and relationships.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I love that. The kind of the honesty and the truthfulness, which are just such huge and important components.
Thomas Henley
It can be bad, sometimes. We can be too brutally honest, sometimes. Does my butt look big in this? Yes, it's massive, and I love it.
Hannah Witton
Well there you go. You see, I think that's fine. How, this is another question, how do autistic people, and obviously it'll be different for everyone, but maybe just different ways that autistic people express love and affection?
Thomas Henley
Yeah, love, love and affection is is. I think most most autistic people have this thing called alexithymia, which is -
Hannah Witton
Another new term for me
Thomas Henley
It's a very large percentage of autistic people, some neurotypical people can have it, and it's, at its core, a difficulty recognising and categorising feelings. And that can be
Hannah Witton
Their own feelings?
Thomas Henley
Their own feelings and by proxy, other people's feelings
Hannah Witton
Ah okay.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, we human beings have this tendency to make these micro mirroring adjustments to their body and face in order to try and feel someone else's emotion. So it's, it gets into that having having that alexithymia can, I guess, in influence a lot of your ability to categorise your emotions and connect with people, which can be a difficulty.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. So what are some ways that you might express love and affection?
Thomas Henley
I think, love, love and affection to an autistic person is, it's more of a, the ways that we express it don't, aren't always explained, but we do minor things, or we do large things all the time to try and express our love. So for example, if we're in one of those moods where we have a very low social battery, and we can't deal with socialising, then we may, you know, take that leap and go to a, like a family event that the other person is having or something and it's -
Hannah Witton
And that's an expression of love, because you're doing that for the other person.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, yeah.
Hannah Witton
Do you know what your love language is?
Thomas Henley
My love language? What's love language?
Hannah Witton
Oh, it's like five different kinds of love language and, and yeah, it's about communication, and so being able to speak someone else's love language so that they understand that what you're doing or saying is an act of love. So there's words of affirmation, so like saying nice things, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts, receiving gifts. Obviously, you don't have to answer now, I can send you a link to the quiz.
Thomas Henley
I'd like that
Hannah Witton
I'm really obsessed with love language, I'm just like, ooo it's so interesting. But it's always, yeah, I think it's always a good start to, like know your partner's love language is and then kind of like learn to learn to speak their love language so that they feel loved basically.
Thomas Henley
I think, if I was just going going off that I think my way of expressing love is expressing care for the other person. So like,
Hannah Witton
So maybe you're an acts of service person.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, I want to make sure that the other person is in a good mental state. And, for example, if they're having some troubles in their life, then I want to try and talk it out and, and figure out what the issue is and try and think of ways of getting over it. I guess more likely kind of sounds weird, but more like a kind of psychologist I guess.
Hannah Witton
Love that, an in house psychologists. Yeah, my, my partner is an IT engineer and so I'm just like, great. I have my own, like, tech support at home. Fantastic.
Thomas Henley
Free service.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, exactly. How to tell if someone is interested in you. This kind of links to what you were saying before about, like reading feelings. And then somebody else also asked how to tell if someone is genuine. And this is, I'm like, I find this tricky. As a neurotypical person, like you know, in the, in the dating world, it's like, do they really like me? Like what's going on? So how do you try and figure out if someone is interested in you? Do you just ask them?
Thomas Henley
It's, um, it's a difficult, it's a difficult one. It's, I think, in my sort of, like, three or four years, maybe five years now, of reading into, like, attraction and reading into, like psychology and the differences between neurotypicals and autistics, is it's easier for me to pick up on those physical signs of attraction.
Hannah Witton
Okay, you've like the kind of like learned what the what they are rather than just being able to know it.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, it's it's more of kind of like a detective game rather than feeling it out.
Hannah Witton
You're like the Sherlock Holmes of dating. Were their pupils dilated? Because this means that.
Thomas Henley
Exactly, yeah, definitely. She's, she's touching her neck a little bit. She's wafting it to the side. Oh maybe she's -
Hannah Witton
She's moving her fingers up and down the stem of her wineglass like, oh, that must mean something.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, yeah.
Hannah Witton
In honestly, I've actually consciously done things like that to flirt with somebody, rather than it being like a subconscious thing that I'm just doing. Because I fancy the person I've like, consciously made an effort to like, do certain things that I know would be cues. Yeah, I don't know if other people do that as well.
Thomas Henley
I definitely do.
Hannah Witton
Oh, do you.
Thomas Henley
Yeah. It's, it's a large part of dating as an autistic person, because we don't naturally express or, express those emotions and facial expressions and body language of interest. I guess, a more of a, for most people that I've that I've talked to and that can be difficult because the other person could be on a on a date with you and think that either you want to be their friends, or that they you're just completely not interested in them.
Hannah Witton
Right, so it's going both ways as well, like,
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Are they interested? But did they think that I'm interested?
Thomas Henley
The main thing is eye contact as well. Eye contact is a really big player in attraction. And, yeah, you know, making eye contact with someone that you like, is a lot more scary than just making eye contact with a stranger.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. I've heard that people tend to look at someone's lips as well, that they fancy.
Thomas Henley
Yes. Yeah, that's a big one. That's that's how I tell someone wants to kiss me. Yeah, that's an indicator, right I'm gonna go for it.
Hannah Witton
Maybe you understand more about it than they do? Because that's probably something that they're not even consciously doing, you know?
Thomas Henley
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Who knows.
Thomas Henley
I think from from talking to my, my girlfriends, I had a lot more of an idea of what was going on than, than she did. She she was very confused at whether I was wanting to be a friend or whether I was interested in her and I sort of walked her home one night and she, we're kind of holding hands and stuff and then I lent in and gave her a kiss and she, she looked at me with like a face of astonishment. It's like, what really? You find me attractive, but I didn't get that.
Hannah Witton
Well, now you know,
Thomas Henley
Now you know. Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Ah amazing. There was quite a few questions from people about how to ask someone out. I don't even know how to answer this for for a neurotypical person and all honesty, it's so different.
Thomas Henley
You may mean like, autistic person asking someone out?
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I think, yeah, I think this question has come from, mostly autistic people on how to, how to ask somebody out.
Thomas Henley
I think from from my sort of talking to people, it seems that autistic people feel more comfortable with taking that, that friend routes to a relationship rather than just going straight in for the kind of attraction, relationship vibe. Because it gives you an opportunity to give them an insight into who you are that's not just physically on the surface. I know, because of the the eye contact, and the body language, and not showing those emotional signs, it can be, it can be usually can usually come across as either being uninterested or, you know, not particularly comfortable or a bit sketchy. Or, you know.
Hannah Witton
So if you're friends with somebody, and you fancy them, how, how could someone maybe tell them?
Thomas Henley
That's a difficult one, I have no idea about that one.
Hannah Witton
I don't think anyone does because it's such a, like, I don't know, like you want to say, obviously, just be honest about your feelings. Just like tell, just tell them, like be upfront about it. And but when you're in that situation, it's so hard to do. Because you really value the friendship and yeah.
Thomas Henley
I think, I think most most people that I talk to go for that sort of friend route. But for me, I don't I find I find it, you know.
Hannah Witton
You're just straight in there.
Thomas Henley
If I'm friends with someone, I'm friends with them. You know, I don't like to cross those boundaries. Because my most of my friends are females, so it's kind of like, I don't know, if I find someone attractive then it's -
Hannah Witton
You just friend zoned all of them.
Thomas Henley
Not like that.
Hannah Witton
I don't even believe in the friendzone.
Thomas Henley
No, I think the best way is just to try and ask ask them if they want to do something, but not necessarily say you want to go on a date with me. It's it's more of -
Hannah Witton
Would you like to go do this activity together? Just us two.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, just just trying to find an environment that's fun and relaxing, you know, especially like physical exercise that can relax you a lot and encourage socialising and all that. It's a difficult difficult thing to approach and it's, there's so many different angles to take on attraction and asking people out. It's hard to boil down into a list of things that you need to do, which is difficult.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Before we finish, I guess one final question. What do you wish people knew about autistic people and relationships? Like I guess what do you wish neurotypical people knew?
Thomas Henley
I think the main thing there's, my, my girlfriend recently looked into groups and stuff for neurotypical people who have autistic partners. And honestly, this this place was horrific like there's so much horrible talk about autistic people and the main -
Hannah Witton
Oh no
Thomas Henley
I know, yeah, it's the main -
Hannah Witton
Was it just, like, let's all get together and bitch about our partners.
Thomas Henley
Yeah, it's it's a lot about that.
Hannah Witton
Ew.
Thomas Henley
And there's a lot of comments about their partner being a robot, or they're not caring about them or, and I think just just understanding that there is more below the surface and that just because they don't look like they look like they care or look like they're being emotional, it doesn't always you know, correlate with that. It may just be they're not very good at expressing that, I guess.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, no, that's a really, I think that's a really nice way to end it, just like look beneath the surface, you know, you have to, you have to make an effort with a with a person, if you want to really get to know them.
Thomas Henley
Open communication.
Hannah Witton
And communication.
Thomas Henley
It's the main thing, especially in these types of relationships. You gotta be open.
Hannah Witton
Oh, well, thank you so much. Where can people find you online?
Thomas Henley
So you can find me on my YouTube channel Asperges Growth, where I make videos on autism and mental health. I also have social media accounts which are all @AspergersGrowth. And if you want to check out my podcasts, then it's the Thoughty Auti podcast and find that on Spotify and Apple podcasts.
Hannah Witton
Amazing. And we will leave links to all of those in the show notes. Thank you again, Thomas and thank you all for listening. Bye.
Thomas Henley
Bye.
Hannah Witton
Thank you so much for listening to Doing It. If you enjoyed it, I would really appreciate it if you left a rating and a review. You can find show notes at DoingItPodcast.co.uk and do go follow us on social media and I'll catch you in the next episode. Bye.
This was a global original podcast