I Think I'm Emotionally Cheating on My Boyfriend | Transcript
Find the episode shownotes here!
Hannah Witton
Hello and welcome to Doing It, the sex curious show where we ask questions, nerd out, and explore the weird and wonderful world of sexuality and relationships. I'm your host Hannah Witton, resident sex nerd and a sex ed enthusiast.
Hannah Witton
We are currently working on some very exciting changes for season five of Doing It. But we didn't want to leave you hanging. So here's what's going to happen. We asked you to email us questions for things you need advice with, and myself and my assistant Megan, who you may remember from a previous episode, are going to attempt to answer them. Quick disclaimer though: we are not doctors or therapists. The advice we give is purely what we imagine we would say to a friend if they came to us with these questions. It's that kind of vibe of agony aunting. Either we're down at the pub having a chat, or at a sleepover, a dinner party, or having a really long phone call and getting deep. Each week in the lead up to season five launching we'll be answering one question with new episodes every Wednesday as usual. If you want to share your thoughts, insights and advice on the dilemmas, then please do join in the conversation over on social media. We are @doingitpodcast on Instagram and Twitter. Links to everything we talk about in the shownotes on our website as usual. And I hope you enjoyed this series of agony aunt style minisodes.
Hannah Witton
Alright, Megan, kick us off.
Megan Moore
Okay so our first question. So this is from an anonymous person in England. They're 25. "I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months now. But I think I'm cheating on him emotionally. And is this a thing?"
Hannah Witton
Ooh!
Megan Moore
"I like my boyfriend. He's kind. We laugh and we have really good sex, but I don't always feel emotionally supported by him. My best friend is a guy and we had been more than friends not quite a couple before I got with my boyfriend. And I feel like I am more able to talk meaningfully with him than my boyfriend. And I'm worried that I'm using him for the things my boyfriend can't or won't give me and is this cheating?"
Hannah Witton
Ooh!
Megan Moore
Right?
Hannah Witton
Okay. Okay. My first thoughts are: it's okay to meet some of your needs outside of your, like, primary relationship. Romantic relationship.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. One - one person can't and doesn't have to give you everything.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, sometimes I feel like I have more meaningful conversations with Leena, my friend, than I do with Dan.
Megan Moore
I guess - I guess there's that sort of - there's that thing where it's like, the people that are closer to you, if you're talking about something that's really important to you, and they're really important to you, sometimes it feels like it matters too much. Like it matters what they're saying and what you're saying. And if you're talking to someone sort of a step removed, it feels less like pressurised. So you can feel freer to like talk about stuff.
Hannah Witton
The stakes are lower.
Megan Moore
Yeah, the stakes are much lower. Like if your friend is like this bad reaction, it still matters but it matters much less than, like, say the person you're living with is like, bad reaction.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. I wonder what these conversations are? Because like, are they - so like emotional conversations where you want to feel emotionally supported. Are they like things that are about your life? So like, tangible, like stress at work, stress with family, like things that you need to kind of like work out with another person that impacts you as a person, like your wellbeing, your mental health, like your general health, like all of these things. Or is it the kind of like, what I would call like, the DMCs, like the deep meaningful conversations that you could have with a stranger at like a bar, but you just like, hone in on being like, let's talk about life and the universe and everything. Like we - like, I want to know what kind of like an emotional connection this is. Because I feel like, at least in my relationship, I feel like I can have the this thing is stressing me out to an extent with Dan. And then it gets to the point where I like know he can't help me. And that's fine.
Megan Moore
Like, at a certain point, you need additional input. So because people, people who have different relationships with you, know different parts of you.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And having like a wider support network and a support system rather than just like relying on one person to be that person for you. So, I think it like it's an interesting one because if - obviously you want your boyfriend to be that person for you, or at least like, show that he's trying.
Megan Moore
Is the boyfriend like trying to do this? And the person, the letter writer is like, shutting that down and going to the friend instead? Or is it sort of both, both is happening?
Hannah Witton
It also depends on like, the level of communication that you have with your partner. Because I, I would find this really hard, like, communicating is hard.
Megan Moore
So hard!
Hannah Witton
It's so hard! But I would try and like muster up the courage, like, if this was me, I would try and muster up the courage to talk to my boyfriend and say, like, hey, so these kinds of conversations, and this kind of emotional support is something that I need. I don't feel like I get it from you. And actually, with my friend, this is something that we talk about, these are the kinds of conversations that we have, but I would love to be able to have those conversations with you, because I really love you, you know? And that's kind of what I would try and do. It probably wouldn't come out as coherent as that, though.
Megan Moore
No, it never comes out and you're like - I need to, I need to talk to you about bleb bleb blah blah blah. But I think yeah, I think if you're, if you're worried about it, the best thing to do about it is talk to your boyfriend about it. Like, even if it feels the scariest thing to do. But also, if that seems like a step too far, like, you can do what you were saying, like you can just you can go in like, this is something that I need, is that something that like, we can try? Would you be like, willing to, like, show up in these ways? Or is that like, the way that you're supporting me already the way that you feel best or like most comfortable with?
Hannah Witton
I like to think of people as having like specific roles in your life, and you need to figure out whether you want their role to be bigger than it currently is. Or if you're happy with the current role and how they are performing in their role. This is me and my relationships are just jobs. Treat your relationship like a business. Oh my god. Do you think, in this case, it's emotionally cheating and is that a thing? Because that's what that question is,
Megan Moore
I think, emotionally cheating is a thing, if you think it's a thing, right? Because like, all relationships are working with their own set of like, not rules, but like agreements and boundaries and understandings. So if - if, say, you and your boyfriend have discussed this before, and this, this is a thing that both of you feel would be stepping outside of your relationship, then I think that that is because you've already discussed it. If you haven't discussed it, and you're just worried about it like this is - it's, it's happening, you're worried - that is it - is it emotionally cheating? If you're worried about it, something doesn't feel comfortable to you.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, if you are actively keeping a secret.
Megan Moore
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Like, and I get that feeling like you're hiding something. And it's actually like eating you up. And yeah, kind of consumes you. I wouldn't say that's necessarily like emotionally cheating.
Megan Moore
No.
Hannah Witton
but I think it might be a sign that you need to voice it. It's that whole like, thing that shame like thrives in silence.
Megan Moore
It does. It really does. Yeah, like, if - it doesn't mean it's emotionally cheating, but it does mean that it's you're not comfortable. Like it's a sign - if you're worried about it's a sign that you're not comfortable with something. So you need to, like, have that conversation or you need to just like, get it out of where it's like festering in you.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Megan Moore
Like here is the inside of me and it needs to be on the outside so that it's not just like rattling around in there being like, am I cheating, am I cheating, am I cheating?
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And also like having like, hypothetical conversations with your boyfriend about like, what if... dedelela? Like I find those conversations to figure out like, where in the relationship are your boundaries and your lines that that kind of like helps to figure out is it cheating? Like, do you feel hurt by this? Do you betrayed by this? But you can have those conversations like hypothetically to begin with as well. Do you have anything else to add, Megan? I think we've solved this person's problem. Just talk about it. Just communicate. That's what it all comes down to, oh my god.
Megan Moore
That's our amazing advice. It's like just communicate.
Hannah Witton
Oh god.
Megan Moore
Yeah. Like it. It is the answer, but it's never the answer you actually want.
Hannah Witton
So true.
Megan Moore
It's like people saying, like, yeah, just communicate, you're like, well, I can't because of x y, z, and you're like, well, I know. But the answer is you still have to do it.
Hannah Witton
You have to do your homework, even if you don't want to.
Megan Moore
But then it's afterwards, when you do it, you will feel better. Either way, like, even if it doesn't go the way you want it to go or even if it's a hard conversation, just not being like trapped in that concern all by yourself will feel better.
Hannah Witton
True. And whenever I've been in situations like that where like, something is like eating me up and I'm like, hiding something. And then I feel bad for hiding it. And then I'm like, oh, because I'm hiding it that must mean it's like a big deal. But then, like, awkwardly fumbling through trying to talk about it. It always goes better than I expected.
Megan Moore
Yeah, it's because if you're just sitting in your own brain with it, all you've got is like your feedback, just like looping back.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And also, I find that if it's just left to like me and my brain, then I actually like make things out to be like a bigger deal than they actually are. And it's actually kind of like reinforces the thing that was causing me stress to begin with.
Megan Moore
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Whereas like talking about it out loud, I'm ilke, Oo, actually, no, I'm over. it It's not even that big a deal.
Megan Moore
Like, I've definitely had conversations that started like with my wife that started with me being like, oh my god, there's this thing and it's been like eating at me for like days, and I haven't been able to bring it up and like ugh blah ugh. And then as soon as I start actually putting words to it and like, looking at her as I'm saying the words that are coming out of my mouth. I'm like, oh, no, this is fine. Turns out this was fine the whole time. And I just needed to like put them out of my brain where everything is a problem and into like, the actual world where I'm seeing them in like, you know, like taking a step back from them. And then I'm like, oh. Oh, no, actually, it's fine. Sorry.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. I - part of me thinks that maybe like we worry about all of these things because of like toxic monogamy culture.
Megan Moore
Yes. Yeah. And it's like, oh, once you've got - once you're in a romantic relationship, that's it. You can't have like any fulfilling other relationships. Everyone else has to be like, secondary to you.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And if your partner like doesn't meet your needs in one area, then that's it. Like the relationship is doomed.
Megan Moore
Completely over. You can't, you can't have any like connections or get something different from another - if you're getting something different from another person that you're not getting from your partner, that's it. Got to break up now.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, you got to break up and that's it. And so yeah, our advice is communicate and break up. That's not - that's not the advice.
Hannah Witton
That's not the advice. Don't do that. But that person who sent this in, I hope that this helps somewhat, and I just hope that you find that inner peace basically, because I can totally relate to like, just like you were saying, Megan, like the festering.
Megan Moore
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
And I hope that you find a way to be able to get it out there in a way that it's not eating you and you're not like suffering through this alone.
Megan Moore
Yeah, that's the main thing. I hope it - I hope you can - I hope you stop feeling like it's just sitting on you like, I don't know, a tiny alien backpack.
Hannah Witton
Aw!
Megan Moore
Free the backpack.
Hannah Witton
Free the backpack, shed it. go for a run in the hills. Love it.
Hannah Witton
Thank you so much for listening. If you like the podcast, please don't forget to leave a rating and a review. It really helps us out and make sure to follow us on social media @doingitpodcast to join in the conversation and keep up to date on everything happening with the podcast. Until next time!