Taking a Break from Sex and Dating with Meghan Tonjes | Transcript
Find the episode shownotes here!
Meghan Tonjes
She's like, I don't want to be degraded but also like
Hannah Witton
Please someone cat call me, look at me, please.
Meghan Tonjes
See me, see me.
Hannah Witton
Welcome to Doing It with me, Hannah Witton, where we talk all things sex, relationships, dating, and our bodies. Hello and welcome back to Doing It. So this episode was recording, hmm. Hello, and welcome back to Doing It. So this episode was recorded all the way back in May, when I was visiting California, and we sat down and chatted all about taking a break from sex and dating, and what it's like being single in LA in your 30s, and often the stigma that surrounds being single in your 30s, and just about loving yourself and finding yourself. I always feel so good after having a conversation with Meghan. She is brilliant. And I hope that you get all of those warm, fuzzy vibes from her as well. Hope you enjoy this episode. Thank you so much for listening.
Hannah Witton
Thanks for joining me, Megan.
Meghan Tonjes
Anytime.
Hannah Witton
We are in the garden of my Airbnb.
Meghan Tonjes
The Garden of Eden, you know.
Hannah Witton
It's really lovely, and there's an art gallery with some, like nice pieces of art in there. I'm into it.
Meghan Tonjes
It's very nice. I wonder I'm like thinking about all the things that this little building could be besides an art gallery. I'm like, could be a studio.
Hannah Witton
Yes, I know right.
Meghan Tonjes
Could be a sauna. You know, like, there's so many things. What was it before?
Hannah Witton
A shed?
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah, probably.
Hannah Witton
So you live here in LA?
Meghan Tonjes
I do.
Hannah Witton
How many years now?
Meghan Tonjes
Seven years, almost seven years. I know. It's been a minute.
Hannah Witton
How's that been?
Meghan Tonjes
You know, I don't have a great answer for that. Because I feel like I moved here people that lived here for a long time were like, you need at least three or four years to figure out if you love it. After three years or four years, you'll love it, you'll know if you love it.
Hannah Witton
Oh, is that just like, you get used to it like an abusive relationship.
Meghan Tonjes
You'll just, you'll take it. It's whatever it is, you'll accept it. I don't know that I love LA. I don't think I hate it.
Hannah Witton
I don't like LA. I feel like the first time I came here I was like, I hate it. And now I'm like, I don't hate it. But yeah, it's not my favourite.
Meghan Tonjes
It's, it's a different feeling. Well, I mean, eventually, I would love to live in New York. There is like something about New York.
Hannah Witton
The dream!
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah, it just calls to me. And when I go there, I'm so excited. But then I also, I'm starting to appreciate LA for what it is. And I don't know much about what it is, but it's warm, I know it's warm. It's warm in the winter and I like that.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, no, fair enough. You're not gonna get that in New York.
Meghan Tonjes
But I think any city is hard to live in, if you don't have like a - if you don't find like a group of people you really connect with. LA is hard because we're all spread out. So in New York, at least I can jump on a train and I can go wherever, here it's like you have to find parking, if no one here wants to drive, and so it can be a little hard.
Hannah Witton
How do you find that, with like making connections? I was speaking to someone yesterday, who was saying that they've got like, two close friends. One of them is her partner, in LA. And like two, she's like, I know hundreds of people here, but they're the only two people that would call crying. And I was like, whoa.
Meghan Tonjes
Fair. I mean, I guess like it's one of those things like as, I was saying this the other day. I was like as I get older, and like things happen for me, my circle gets smaller. Yeah, and I don't necessarily mind it, because I feel like those, there's usually the same one or two people that are very close to me, and then it shifts around me, depending on like where I am and what I need. I think the key to having friendships in LA is you, at least if this works for me, I'm the person that like I will drive to you.
Hannah Witton
Okay.
Meghan Tonjes
I will put in the effort because people here just like scared to do that. I think once you start doing that, people are more willing to show up. And if they're not, then you figure it out pretty quickly. Like you're the friend I talk to when I'm on the east side, and I need somewhere to hang out while there's traffic. But I came here with friends already doing YouTube, and then all my friends like followed me here, and then my way of creating the friendships or keeping their friendships is I just create things with them. So we have to see each other.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, let's have projects.
Meghan Tonjes
Me and Nikki, who live down the street from each other, at Soundly Awake, it's like we we do projects together. And we have to, at least he'll know if something happened to me because he has to see me every week if I don't answer the phone, that's my insurance.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, no, I like that. Me and my friends, we used to have a podcast together and that would be like, okay, we're seeing each other every month. And now we do like, alumni meetup, where we're like, we still need to hang out every month, even though we don't have this project together anymore.
I love that. I think I mean, I think that's the easiest way to do here, is if you just if you find someone you connect with and you create some kind of project with them, that feeds into the friendship and then you can write things off, and that's the best.
Hannah Witton
Oh, yes. Yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
You know.
Hannah Witton
So true.
Meghan Tonjes
I'm writing this coffee off today.
Hannah Witton
It all comes down to taxes.
Meghan Tonjes
It really does.
Hannah Witton
How about like connecting with, like, potential romantic or sexual partners?
Meghan Tonjes
Oh, yeah. I mean, the last person that - I mean, I feel like I go to New York also to find men. I feel like it's not, LA is -
Hannah Witton
Is it easier in New York than LA?
Meghan Tonjes
I don't know that it's easier. It's just a different - there's just different energy out here. I mean listen, let's go into it. I mean, you know, men are trash across the board. So anywhere you go, you're gonna run into just nonsense. But here, there definitely is this element of people trying to climb up a ladder and, and use connections. That's not that it's not in New York, but here's just like everyone's doing the same thing. At least in other cities, it's like people just have normal lives that don't involve the internet or social media.
Hannah Witton
Right. There must be some normals in LA.
Meghan Tonjes
I think there are.
Hannah Witton
Doing normal jobs and they just never -
Meghan Tonjes
I've never met them. I've never met them, but I know that they have to exist.
Hannah Witton
I'm dating a normal.
Meghan Tonjes
Are you?
Hannah Witton
Yeah, like works in IT, has a desk day job, Monday to Friday.
Meghan Tonjes
Can like, fix the WIFI connection.
Hannah Witton
It's great. I have a like in house tech support.
Meghan Tonjes
Wow. You know what, that's the goal. Yeah, that's the dream. I would love to like date someone I think that cooks because -
Hannah Witton
Oh, he also cooks.
Meghan Tonjes
Wow.
Hannah Witton
He literally feeds me.
Meghan Tonjes
Whatever Hannah tells you all to do, do, because clearly you're winning.
Hannah Witton
Something happened. Something worked out
Meghan Tonjes
Something worked out. Yeah. I mean, in LA it's just it's hard because you're into the same kind of - I didn't want to believe that cliche about like LA people being very wishy washy and and cancelling last minute, but I think that there definitely is a personality type that gets here and they're just like, whatever, I'm gonna do everything - I'm not I don't really care about other people's schedules, and who cares about other people's feelings, I'm just like, focused on me, me me. And it makes it hard to meet up and for people to prioritise you in the same way so that yeah, that's definitely affected the dating scene here for me.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
And then also being on apps here. It's just I don't know.
Hannah Witton
Are you on this Raya one?
Meghan Tonjes
No, is that the one where you have to like -
Hannah Witton
You have to like, kind of be a celebrity, or like well known.
Meghan Tonjes
I get bored instantly just even thinking about it. Yeah, let me get on with other well known people. Maybe that's where my chef boyfriend is.
Hannah Witton
Oh, yeah famous chef boyfriend.
Meghan Tonjes
I haven't been on apps in a few years either.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
I really haven't dated, haven't drank, haven't been on apps. I don't know what I've been doing. Touching myself and reading more, I think, and catching up on my shows.
Hannah Witton
Oh yeah, I need to schedule in more time for reading.
Meghan Tonjes
I'm trying to, I'm failing at it, but I'm trying to at least read a chapter a day. Failing at it horribly, but I do have books next to me all of the time to guilt me into doing it. Yeah, I mean my experience when I first got here, when I first moved to LA, I was a virgin, so I was like -
Hannah Witton
Oh really
Meghan Tonjes
I went on tour to get to LA to find an apartment, I lost my virginity the last night of tour, and then found an apartment, came back and it was like okay, off to the races, like here we go. And it was just like casual sex - like it was that was pretty much all I was focused on, and so like the first year -
Hannah Witton
Because you're like right, I've done it now. Let's go.
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah, I mean, I haven't slept with a lot of people, I've only slept with like 11 or 12 people and I think the first half of that was in the first year I was here.
Hannah Witton
And so then like in the last year or so you said you've not really been dating, and also you don't drink alcohol anymore. Like like what is the correlation, is there a correlation between those two?
Meghan Tonjes
Oh yeah.
Hannah Witton
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Meghan Tonjes
The not drinking came first. And then the not drinking came at the end of like a not great situationship that I was in.
Hannah Witton
You know what, I learnt the word situationship from you.
Meghan Tonjes
Did you!
Hannah Witton
And I think you said at one of your videos and I use it all the time because I was like, oh my God, I've been in so many situationships.
Meghan Tonjes
Where's my 10% Hannah? No, it's such a good word.
Hannah Witton
It's great, it's perfect.
Meghan Tonjes
Because because I struggle with like, I want to describe someone as like my ex sometimes when like, but we didn't really -
Hannah Witton
Yeah, it was never official, we weren't dating.
Meghan Tonjes
I still call them my exes. Like you're an ex something, but I was just in a situation with this guy that was like, we were friends, we were hooking up, but he was still sleeping with his ex and not telling me, and then like almost giving me an STI like, and then sleeping with other it was just like very - he was being very messy about what he was doing and not communicating to anyone. And I stayed in it for longer than I should have, and by the end of it, I just remember we were having this conversation argument essentially. And we were both been drinking, and I remember the feeling of I can't articulate what I feel right now, and I'm just upset and I woke up the next day thinking I never want to feel that way again.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
And for me, the quickest way to at least remove myself was to stop drinking. And then it just continued, and here we are two years later.
Hannah Witton
Do you find your social life is different without alcohol?
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah, I go out less. I go out way, way less. I go to sleep way earlier.
Hannah Witton
What times you go to bed?
Meghan Tonjes
Oh my god, I okay. 9:46 is always when, it's not when I go to bed, but that's when I start shutting down. Like I look at my clock, always at 9:46, I'm like, Oh, it's time to start getting ready for bed. Yeah. And then I'm probably in bed by 10:30. Am I falling asleep by midnight? Don't know, depends.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I think 10:30 is when I like to be getting into bed.
Meghan Tonjes
I used to be a night owl. I used to be up all night, loved it, everyone's asleep, I can write songs, I can do whatever. And now I'm like, I can't wait to go like, it's seven o'clock, and I'm looking like, is it, okay is it socially acceptable for me to go to sleep right now? So I think it's, it's changed that. I've become a morning person, I go to sleep earlier, I also when I go out it, you know, I used to just drink really quickly, and then it would hit me all at once, and I'm having a great time, but I'm kind of like blackout drunk. It just wasn't a great situation. And I definitely made choices, and probably stuck around people and men specifically longer than I should have been. If I had been in a sober state of mind, I'm in a good place with myself, I probably would have said, everything you're saying is so annoying. I don't want to fuck you.
Hannah Witton
I would always do this thing when I was like, on apps and dating and stuff, which was like, dating and alcohol and places that serve alcohol are so interconnected. Like it's so difficult to avoid them. And so I'd be going on these dates and and be like, oh, let's just go get drinks. And I always knew I would have like, maybe two or three drinks, depending on like how well the date was going, but I know I'm a lightweight. And so after, like drink, maybe even have to drink one I'm already like, oh, bit horny, they're looking all right.
Meghan Tonjes
Yes, I'll have a third drink. Because I already know where I'm going.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And I would always have to like, either before the date or like, just as we arrived, like before I've gotten tipsy at all, kind of actually make that judgement call of like, okay, I'm in a sober state of mind. Do I want to fuck this person?
Meghan Tonjes
Yes. Yeah, no, I am. I agree with that.
Hannah Witton
It's just like, I don't know, alcohol gets your bits tingling.
Meghan Tonjes
It does. But I also don't know, I don't think, can I be real? I don't know that I've ever had like great sex.
Hannah Witton
When drunk, or at all?
Meghan Tonjes
At all.
Hannah Witton
There's so many leaves falling on this.
Meghan Tonjes
Squirrels running above us, they're very interested in the conversation. But like, I think I'm just part of being, I mean, I wouldn't say I'm sober because I mean, I live in California. So it's like weed is everywhere. And so it's much easier, I will say, to not have to go out and get drunk, because you could have an edible or you could I mean, you can do so many things here, and it's perfectly acceptable.
Hannah Witton
We do not have that in the UK.
Meghan Tonjes
It makes life much better. I don't miss hangovers at all. But what was I saying?
Hannah Witton
You've never had great sex.
Meghan Tonjes
I've never had great sex, yeah, that's what I was saying. I think being in a state though, and kind of and also like post trauma, because I did have an assault. So I think that I'm looking at a lot of things I was in that I was just, I think I was touch starved, like honestly, growing up because I just I didn't really have dating, I wasn't really in and all this stuff that people were doing when they were 15 or 16, I didn't start doing until I was like 26
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
And so for me, it was just the excitement, I think a lot of the reason I was having a lot of casual sex was oh my God, someone wants to be naked with me. Like someone wants to touch me and kiss me. I've never had this before. So it's just like, get all the experience you can.
Hannah Witton
But then the actual sex was just kind of like fumbling.
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah. And my personality is very much like, I want to please you so so people can take advantage of that. And -
Hannah Witton
Because you're like, my pleasure doesn't really matter. I'm just happy to be here.
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah, exactly. And so and I know how to get myself off, but I never I've never really had the experience of explaining to someone else how to do it. So yeah, all the sex I pretty much have, I was thinking about it the other day, I don't think I've ever gotten off maybe once or twice with someone, but usually with me doing something and them like, talking dirty in my ear or something. Hi bee.
Hannah Witton
Is it a bee or a fly?
Meghan Tonjes
I think it's a bee.
Hannah Witton
Oh.
Meghan Tonjes
Maybe I should have just told you it was a fly. It's okay, I'll protect you. I'll protect you, and I'll protect the bee because we're here for the earth, and they're dying and an alarming rate. Yeah. I think that I'm just realising a lot. And it makes me sad, in a way, because I feel very protective of my younger self like, oh, you shouldn't have stayed in that. And maybe you should have asked for this. And I just didn't have the language, and now I'm figuring out the language slowly but surely. And I'm still nervous, I think to get into I mean, I've been in situations where I'm hooking up with people, but we haven't - we're not having - we're not having penetrative sex.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
And there's still an anxiety for me about getting back into that, because I'm just like, I'm scared to go back to that place from like, this is fine, it feels good for you, it's great, I'm here.
Hannah Witton
But really now, like, if you were to have a sexual experience again, you want to like take everything that you've learned. But again, that is, I guess that's still as a different kind of pressure.
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Because you're like, well, now I have I have all of this knowledge. Now I have to apply the knowledge.
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah, I think I've been studying more of how to please other people, as opposed to please myself. And that's a really scary place to be. And then also, I think over the past year, just looking at how I relate to people and what I'm attracted to. I'm looking back and I'm like, I really had to create stories in my head to get me to a place where I wanted to have sex with people and I'm realising, maybe it's because you are more demisexual, maybe there is more of a, I need some kind of connection.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
And I was I was using whatever was in my head to make that connection, which led me into some not great situations and probably not figuring out what I wanted and asking for that in the way that I should have
Hannah Witton
So for anyone who doesn't know, what's demisexual?
Meghan Tonjes
So demisexual, from my understanding is essentially, you're not so attracted, you know, what I when I have when I have friends that like watch a TV show, they're like, he's so hot, I want to fuck him. I'm like, he's, he's cute. And I can recognise he's attractive, but I'm not, there's not that pull until all of a sudden, there's some kind of emotional connection. So I think it's more of an attraction to that connection, as opposed to I see you and I'm sexually attracted to you. It's more of like, your personality arc, the energy between us like, there's so much - it's so mental.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Because it's on the like asexuality spectrum. Which is, goes like you know, all the way from like, doesn't experience any sexual attraction or desire to then like, kind of like in the middle is demi where it's like, you need that emotional connection. And then like, all the way on the other end is allosexual, or zsexual, which is like you, you experience attraction and desire.
Meghan Tonjes
Okay, interesting. Yeah. I mean, I'm learning a lot about it. But I remember that coming up in a conversation, and I was relating to it. And then I talked about it on my podcast, because I have a few different podcasts, of course, because I can't -
Hannah Witton
Because it's LA, and you need three podcasts.
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah, every person has at least three podcasts here. When I was talking about it, I had actually a lot people comment and say, oh, I was not shocked that that's you, listening to your lyrics I can - or listening to you in videos, and I just never made the connection. And so it's something I'm still figuring out, which adds a whole other layer of okay, well, now we have to have an emotional connection from you even get there, which means there has to be more of an investment in us as people.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
And that's scary when I don't necessarily know if I mean, not that I don't want a relationship, but I've never had a real relationship.
Hannah Witton
Mm hmm.
Meghan Tonjes
And it's all I mean, I feel like I'm 33 years old, and I'm walking into the world for the first time in a lot of ways, which is really exciting, but also very scary, because you're meeting people that have been doing this for 20, 30 years, whatever, and have all this experience, and you're like, I've been paying attention but this might be day one for me, it feels like, in a lot of ways.
Hannah Witton
Do you feel, does it make you feel at all, like you're lacking in a way, just because of the way that society like puts, like sexual encounters and romantic relationships, like on this pedestal. And then with being 33, people that pressure of like, well, why aren't you married and have kids?
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah, right.
Hannah Witton
Do you feel that? Or are you just like, no, I'm happy. This is like, where I'm at. And I'm good with that.
Meghan Tonjes
I'm trying not to feel it. I don't instinctually feel it. But I see the pressure that everyone puts on it. And it's very hard to have a conversation with anyone that doesn't centre around, especially my age, centre around like that, so who are you dating? And do you wanna have kids? Like that - I feel like, that's the conversation constantly. And I'm like, well, I want to travel. And I also in my head, think like, well, maybe I'll get married, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be someone that has like, you know, takes lovers. You know.
Hannah Witton
Oh, like, it sounds so sophisticated.
Meghan Tonjes
I love that, you know. But I think that all the things that have happened in my life have made me realise that there's a lot of planning that you can do. But if you get too attached to how you think your life should be, you're gonna miss out on what it can be. And if I never have kids, or I never get in a relationship, or never get married, that'll be what it is.
Hannah Witton
And that happens to more people than we think. And it's fine.
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah, but your life's not less for it. People really make you feel like, something's wrong with you, or why isn't this a priority.
Hannah Witton
And also our lives - like humans live for a really long time.
Meghan Tonjes
Life is so long
Hannah Witton
You could find the love of your life when you're like 60, 70 years old, and then have an amazing, like, 10/15 year relationship and die each other's arms.
Meghan Tonjes
You've really thought about it.
Hannah Witton
And that is fine.
Meghan Tonjes
It is. I just think that we're all going to have, we get, we get so scared of not fitting in. And that seems like that's the path you're going to go on. And that's the path I thought I would go on, being in the Midwest, like, oh, yeah, you get married in your mid 20s. And you know, you move back home, close to your family - and everything in my life has gone the opposite direction that I thought it would. So I look at relationships differently because of my family, and my parents and, and things that I've lost. And so I think I'm more invested in like I want to have really great friendships, and I want to have, I want to love what I'm doing. And then whoever is attracted to that, whoever comes into my space, I want to be open to it. But I never, I really don't want to go in and be like I have a five year plan, and I need to have babies now because that will keep me with someone that I don't want to be with, and I don't want that.
Hannah Witton
That whole idea of like kind of carving your own path and doing your own thing and then the people who are attracted to that like will almost, like, gravitate towards you, or you'll find yourself in the same spaces as those, that whole idea. I remember kind of hearing for the first time from another friend of ours, Mike Falzone.
Meghan Tonjes
Oh yeah.
Hannah Witton
It was like in one of his videos of just being like, just like, go out there and do the things that you want to do, do the hobbies you want to do and like, go to this gig or this, like, go see this film, or whatever it is, and then you'll meet. And then there'll be other people there who are doing the same thing as you, and then maybe you'll meet someone.
Meghan Tonjes
I mean, and Falzone's such a testament to that, like I mean, I toured with Falzone for a while for a long time, and he was doing music when I met him. And now he's doing comedy.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
I feel like he's now somehow managed to bring his love of wrestling, and -
Hannah Witton
Oh my God, yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
And all the things he grew up with, and I'm like, you, you figured out the trick, man, like you brought everything from your childhood that you loved back into your adulthood, and you and it makes you money now, like, so smart, man. Listen to Mike Falzone as well, like such a good person
Hannah Witton
Wise, wise person
Meghan Tonjes
Such a wise person. But I think that that, especially being in this city, right, where on top of the pressure to get in a relationship, and having a beautiful ring, and have kids, and all these things, and have a house, like there's all these steps you go down. There's also this intense fear of getting older, and this intense fear of not being wanted, and -
Hannah Witton
My mum talks about that a lot of like, you get to a certain age, and then suddenly, you become invisible. Like, she would talk to me about how, like when she was a teenager, and then in her 20s like, she would experience getting catcalled and like wolf whistled. And then now in her 50s, she's like, please, someone catcall me,
Meghan Tonjes
Look at me, please
Hannah Witton
See me. But she - she knows that -
Meghan Tonjes
She's like, I don't want to be degraded. But also, like, I just want to be seen.
Hannah Witton
"I just wanna be seen." But it's, um, it's not that like, no one finds women over 40 not attractive. It's that they're invisible.
Meghan Tonjes
People put youth on such a pedestal.
Hannah Witton
And it really doesn't last.
Meghan Tonjes
It really doesn't last, I hate to tell you guys that. And also, I mean, even on YouTube, I mean, it is this, this hyper focus and this, I'm trying to think of the word but basically, it's this hyper focus on youth and obsession. Yeah, it's an obsession with staying young and being young. And that's why you see so many people that are pretending, like they're not, they're scared to say their age, and they're, I need to look like I'm in my early 20s. And they, I'm like, you're 46 and you're talking like these kids, and I understand why you're doing it, and I get it. But at the same time, there's such a value to getting older.
Hannah Witton
I feel like I know exactly who you're talking about, if you're talking about an individual, but it's like -
Meghan Tonjes
Oh my God, I'm not even talking about a specific person. But it applies to so many people, and I can't wait for us to talk about it off air. But I think that there's this, we don't honour that getting older comes with a lot of things that aren't so fun, but a lot of things that are really great. Like, I'm much more chill about things than I was in my 20s, and so when I see friends of mine that feel that pressure at my age even to like, I'm supposed to do this and they're still holding on to like what their parents told them they should do, and my life needs to go in this order, I have a lot of perspective on life is so long and 30s is so young.
Hannah Witton
Do you care about what other people think of you anymore, because I've been told that 30 is the magic number when you stop caring about that. And I'm 27 and I definitely still care what other people think of me. And I'm just like, please tell me that it is good over there.
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah, I think people think you turn 30 and then all of a sudden every insecurity is gone and like you don't care anymore. I don't think it's like that, but you definitely walk through a door where you stop putting other people's opinions over your own because you've lived long enough to see and understand who you are.
Hannah Witton
Or at least you know which of the people around you opinions matter to you.
Meghan Tonjes
Exactly. You you've lived long enough that you start to you start to trust your intuition more about people around you and you let things go a little bit easier and you appreciate things in a different way. So I think that going into my 30s, I mean you know I walked into my 30s be like everything's gonna be great and that was probably the hardest few years of my life in the beginning, because I was going through so much traumatic stuff in my personal life, my family.
Hannah Witton
And again, you can't predict that
Meghan Tonjes
You cannot predict it unfortunately. And I think that there but there's just there's something that eases up a little bit. You get to if you if you lean into it, if you really do like embrace it and you don't fight it so much, being like - people go into thirties being like, oh my God, it's over, I haven't done all the things. No, no, no, I think also perspective of having friends that are older than you. I have a lot of friends that are in their 40s that are still figuring things out and that makes me feel so much relief of ike I have time.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, my dad's in his early 50s and has just made like a massive career change and he's always just like, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
Meghan Tonjes
Right! And but I think when you're younger you think I have to find the job that I'm gonna have forever, and when you when you - that's why I read a lot of memoirs. I love memoirs, because they show you -
Hannah Witton
People, on average, have like three careers or something in their lifetime.
Meghan Tonjes
People will be like, yeah, I used to work on a fishing boat for eight years and then I don't know I became a manager and then I don't know I opened a fashion line, like I mean, and then I start doing music at age 40. And you're like, what is going on? There's so many parts of you that you haven't figured out yet, that you haven't even explored because you're not the right person at the right time for it. And you have to just live long enough to get there.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. I feel like I just keep bringing up my parents.
Meghan Tonjes
I love it. These are therapy sessions for Hannah
Hannah Witton
So my mum and dad.
Meghan Tonjes
Hannah's like, how do I get my friends to tell me -
Hannah Witton
But like with getting older and stuff, my parents talk about, so I'm 27, my sister is 25. So me and her have been like, we've flown the nest like a long time ago. And my parents are like kind of young parents, like they were in their, like, mid to late 20s when they had me, and they say that now, they're like, it's exactly the same as before we had kids, except we have more money, and we take more naps.
Meghan Tonjes
Honestly.
Hannah Witton
I was like, that sounds like the dream.
Meghan Tonjes
It is the dream. Yeah, I think it is, I like to believe. Yeah, I think that I'm not afraid of getting older. I really am not. And I mean, I still feel that pressure. There are days where, you know, you're like, you're looking at the skin on your neck, and you're like, okay, what am I supposed to look like? But I mean, I think I'm pretty good at easily bringing myself out of that, and giving myself perspective of like, okay, stop letting all this outside shit get to you and focus on all the stuff that you didn't know five years ago that you do know now, and how much more valuable that is. I don't walk into situations like when I was 22, and I was just like, wide eyed and whatever. I walk in situations knowing, I don't know - I'm not gonna assume everyone here is fucking good, I'm going to actually pay attention and I'm going to be all right within myself, regardless of how the situation plays out.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And like, over those years, how how is your like, relationship with your body changed in like body positivity? Because like, you are like a beacon of that online with like, booty revolution and everything.
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah, I've got my booty revolution shirt on.
Hannah Witton
Exactly.
Meghan Tonjes
I mean, my relationship with my body is changing all of the time. Because I think when I first started doing YouTube, I just had this idea like, well, I don't want to feel bad about who I am. It's not fair that I should feel bad. That was the premise of everything.
Hannah Witton
Wow you're already there.
Meghan Tonjes
I was just like, well, why the fuck am I being treated like this, because I'm bigger? Like this, I don't, this doesn't feel good. I didn't do anything to anyone. And it was just me asking questions like, well, why, why is this okay? And as I get older, I just, I have an appreciation for the things that my body does, as opposed to what my body doesn't.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
I also deal with chronic pain. So I deal with really bad disc issues in my back, and I've struggled to even get a diagnosed like I was diagnosed, and then I went and they were, like, we don't see anything, I'm like, well, I'm in pain all of the time. And they usually just tell you to lose weight. So immediately, it just goes up against all these things, all these things you built up for yourself. And I you know, and I've gone through that, where I've - I've lost a tonne of weight very quickly to try to deal with the pain, and that didn't work. And so I've had to learn lessons the hard way, my body, my relationship with my body has changed in the sense that there's just a different appreciation. There are things that I'm concerned about that have nothing to do with how I look, it's more about how I feel and what I can do and, and, and appreciating that journey in a different way. And so a lot of times when I'm sharing stuff online, it's hard for me sometimes to do like the one on one stuff. Because I'm not even thinking about self love, I'm thinking about like body liberation.
Hannah Witton
What does that mean to you?
Meghan Tonjes
There's this pressure of, and I've probably fed into it in the early days of like, we just have to love our bodies. And I think the reality is like, you don't have to love your body. You just have to get to a place of neutrality. I think like that's the first that's the first step is getting to a place where you're kind of neutral about it. And the pressure of like, well, I feel okay in my body, but I don't love it. Am I not doing it right? I think that there's a lot of pressure on that, but there shouldn't be because we live in a society that tells us, you're not good enough.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, and then even if you do get to a place of love, that's not like 24/7.
Meghan Tonjes
Right. Oh, yeah, no, yeah. And so I think that a lot of times when I'm like sharing photos online, it's not that I'm not looking at my body and seeing. I see everything that someone might say, and I felt things about myself, but ultimately, my attitude is fuck it, yeah. If I'm scared to put this out, that means there's a lot of people that are scared to put something like this out, and I have nothing to lose. So I might as well do it and just be uncomfortable about it, and generally, the reaction is very positive. Or it's people saying, I look like you and I can't - I look like you, and I think you're so beautiful, and I love your photos. But I can't find that for myself. And that to me makes me so sad, but it also pushes me on to be like, I need to, these things that I don't think are important, like wearing a crop top out, and just like having a little bit of my belly showing, things I never would have done when I was younger because I was too insecure and too scared, and I didn't see it. I'll make other people uncomfortable. That's fine. Let them be uncomfortable. I want to feel the air on my skin. It's summertime and I deserve it. And it's little things like that. You never know how that will reverberate with other people. Because there might be some little girl that sees me doing that and thinks in her head, oh, I can do that now.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
And that's how I approach everything I do online, is if I'm scared to do it, that means I should be doing it. And I should be as loud as I possibly can because at least I'm in a position where I don't have have anyone you know, I don't have like family members or anyone that's really holding me back.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And also there are like, probably more people who have the same body type who aren't posting those pictures, than who are in a place where they feel like they can post them. And so by being one of those people, it's like, hey, I'm here. I'm here, like, this body type exists, and it's okay, and it's, and it's fine. And like, don't worry about it, guys.
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah. If I have to be in my underwear on the internet, so that you can go out and not wear a T shirt at the beach of the summer, that's fine. Yeah, I'll do it. And so I think when I'm giving pep talks to - when I'm saying things online, I'm giving a pep talk, I'm giving a pep talk to myself too, and like my younger self. And I just, I had no one like me growing up. Not to put myself on a pedestal, but I wish that I had. And so I just think about that a lot of like, what way life would have been, if I could have seen someone that looked like me doing what I do, I probably would have arrived to myself a lot quicker than I did. And I just, you know, I keep that in mind when I'm doing -
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And like, how does that, like, come together with sex and stuff, as well?
Meghan Tonjes
Well, I think that, I mean, it's still coming together. Um, I've been lucky in the sense, okay, well, I have, listen, I've had plenty of men mistreat me, and maybe not make me feel great about my body. But I've been lucky enough, since I started having sex, I've never had the experience of like someone being like, no, like making like saying something about my body specifically, while we're sleeping together. So I've been lucky in that regard. And I've also experienced what it's like when someone really embraces your body. And once you get a little bit of that, you don't want to let that go. Like I don't want to go backwards into anyone that doesn't make me feel good about myself, or embrace who I am, and so it's just, it's been a progression of like, as I'm learning how to love myself and be outward about that, it's attracting people that also feel that way about me and are outward about that. And so it just feeds into each other in a really interesting way. And as I'm excited for how that's going to continue to turn out, because I know that I'm not even like fully arrived to who I'm going to be.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Meghan Tonjes
So I'm, I might not have had great sex yet. But I know that in my late 30s, and 40s, I'm gonna be getting it.
Hannah Witton
Are you, are you like looking to date and like, like, have sexual partners right now? Or are you just like, still just like, if it happens, it happens. But you're not like actively seeking or any of that.
Meghan Tonjes
If I'm not specifically attracted to a person, or have a crush on them, or I'm focused on, and it could be multiple people, but it's just like, if I don't have that connection to someone, I'm not really like, oh, I need to find a boyfriend. Like to me, I'm just like, well, that's a lot of time that I'm not working. I'm just going - I'm just going to out there in the world and find people.
Hannah Witton
Right. And all of this time, you can focus on all your projects, and your friends.
Meghan Tonjes
And I have enough of them, believe me. Constantly, those are my boyfriends, are my projects.
Hannah Witton
Your boyfriends and your babies.
Meghan Tonjes
I trust I trust that looking at who's come into my life so far, that that will continue to happen. And hopefully, I'll just be in the right place to recognise them when they show up. And until that it's just I'm not in my head thinking I need a boyfriend. I don't, the idea of being in a relationship is terrifying to me. Because I've seen how wrong it can go when you're not solid within yourself.
Hannah Witton
Right. People feel like being in a relationship is like the, like this ultimate goal.
Meghan Tonjes
It's not hard to get a boyfriend.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, like it's above being single. But I always feel like, well actually, how many of these people in relationships are unhappy, or are in bad relationships, or they're just not compatible at all? And so it's like, actually, then, what is your hierarchy? How can you say being in relationship is like blanketly better than being single?
Meghan Tonjes
Oh, yeah, it's definitely not. Because I think people stay in a lot of relationships for not great reasons. And the pressure of well, I've been with them for a long time. And I don't know, I've already told my family about them, and I don't know, like, you know, these connections that we make of like, well, I can't, I can't end it. I don't feel that. It's not hard to get a boyfriend, it's not hard to get a partner. I know that I could walk out, and if I was just like, I want this, I could have it, but am I gonna have it with a person that really I'm connected with? And that I really want to like, who do I want to give up time to? Is the question. And there are people in my life that I'm attracted to, and like maybe we'll hook up when I when I travel and like, I appreciate them. But if I don't feel that, like I would spend my whole day with you.
Hannah Witton
And I would not be bored, and I don't find him annoying.
Meghan Tonjes
And I feel guilt for what I'm not doing and I would just be in it. If I don't find that, I don't want it. I'm looking for something different. And I might not find it. But I'm willing to go down the path and hope for it, because I want the kind of love that I haven't seen in my life.
Hannah Witton
And if you're like satisfied with it not happening, and it's not just like my whole life depends on like one thing happening, and you're like, I'm chill like riding this wave.
Meghan Tonjes
Yeah, it is what it is. Yeah. I've seen so much love in my life and in my family that's codependent and, so that's probably why I have a big fear of like what it can turn into. And so whoever I've ended up with, if I do, is going to be the kind of person that elevates me, and makes me grow, and pushes me, and like, nurtures me, and that I wanted the same for them in a way that I haven't seen with my parents and the way that I haven't seen with some of my friends. So what I'm looking for it, it feels like I'm looking for a unicorn, you know. But that's alright, because in the meantime, regardless, I'm going to write songs and they're going to be sad about all the stuff that's gone. I mean, regardless, I'm getting experience, I'm going to turn it into a video or a song, you know.
Hannah Witton
It's it's all content.
Meghan Tonjes
It's an emotional write off. Boom.
Hannah Witton
Oh my god, I think that's a great place to end it. Emotional write off.
Meghan Tonjes
It an emotional write off.
Hannah Witton
I love that. Thank you so much for sharing and chatting with me and there is a helicopter -
Meghan Tonjes
There is.
Hannah Witton
Right at this moment. Please leave. I'm trying to do my outro.
Meghan Tonjes
I'm so excited for whoever is edit this. Enjoy all the LA sounds, the nature, the squirrels, the helicopters.
Hannah Witton
Thank you for listening. Bye
Meghan Tonjes
Bye.
Hannah Witton
Thank you so much for listening to Doing It. If you enjoyed it, I would really appreciate it if you left a rating and a review. You can find show notes at DoingItPodcast.co.uk and do go follow us on social media and I'll catch you in the next episode. Bye.
Hannah Witton
This was a Global original podcast