Answering Your Relationship Questions with My Partner (Dan)! | Transcript
Find the episode shownotes here!
Dan
I feel like you have a fairly good understanding of what is and what isn't acceptable without permission.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I did take a picture of you sleeping, when, and you're fully naked and I didn't post that one.
Dan
Thank you.
Hannah Witton
I think I did send it to my group chat though, with your sister in it.
Hannah Witton
Welcome to Doing It with me, Hannah Witton, where we talk all things sex, relationships, dating, and our bodies. Hello everyone.
Welcome back to Doing It. I'm coming to you from isolation with my partner, Dan, as he's the only person I'm allowed to hang out with these days, because we live together. I thought, why not record an episode of the podcast together. So I asked on our Instagram and our Twitter, which is @DoingItPodcast, you should really go follow us over there if you want to be involved in any more q&a kind of episodes. I asked what your questions are for him, for me, for us, and this is what you're about to listen to. In case you didn't know, Dan and I live together, we have been together for just over three years, we're technically engaged to be married. I say technically, because, and we get into any episode, we don't really use the word fiance. It's just, I don't know, but we are getting married, so that is the definition of being engaged. We talk about all sorts to do with our relationship, relationships in general, communication between partners, how sex drives might differ between partners, but also over time in a relationship. We talk about all sorts. And big thanks to Dan for doing this with me, he is not on social media, so you can't go and stalk him afterwards, which I'm very grateful for. I hope you're all doing well. And without further ado, here is the episode and I hope that you enjoy it.
Hi, Dan, welcome to the podcast.
Dan
Hello Hannah
Hannah Witton
Do you want to introduce yourself to the listeners?
Dan
I'm Dan, I'm Hannah's partner, and I'm being held here against my will.
Hannah Witton
That's not true!
Dan
Well, technically, I am, because I'm not allowed to leave the house at the moment
Hannah Witton
Oh right, for a different reason, for a different reason. Okay, so I asked our followers on social media for the podcast, what questions they had for you/us. So I'm gonna ask you them. And I think what listeners are going to realise is, because I often have trouble when I am asking you questions and I want a certain answer, and they don't get it and then I'm disappointed, and I feel like that's gonna be this entire episode. So lower your expectations, listeners.
Dan
I don't think you should ever ask a question expecting a specific answer.
Hannah Witton
Yes. That is something that you would say. Okay, first question comes from Twitter.
Dan
Okay.
Hannah Witton
What three words -
Dan
Who's asking this question? Do we know the names of these people?
Hannah Witton
Hey it's Meg 29.
Dan
Meg 29, thank you Meg.
Hannah Witton
What three words would you use to describe each other? You go first.
Dan
I would describe you as passionate.
Hannah Witton
That's one word.
Dan
I know. I'm thinking of another one now.
Hannah Witton
I literally told you before we started recording, silence doesn't do well on a podcast!
Dan
Well, I feel like thinking time should be allowed though.
Hannah Witton
Okay.
Dan
I was gonna say, it was cuz I was gonna say driven as well. But then that basically means the same thing. So.
Hannah Witton
Not necessarily, I'll allow you to have those two words.
Dan
And energetic.
Hannah Witton
Okay, great.
Dan
With a hint of disdain at the back of my voice there.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, just like God dammit. Why are you so energetic? I would describe to you as stoic. Is that allowed?
Dan
Yeah, I suppose so.
Hannah Witton
Chill. And smart.
Dan
Fair enough.
Hannah Witton
Yeah? Lovely. So there's been a lot of questions, this isn't just one there's just like a general theme, about what is it like to be in a relationship with someone who talks about sex on the internet.
Dan
I think, most of the time, it makes very little difference to me. I suppose the only time it's weird is when you meet a new person that doesn't know you, so people I meet day to day
Hannah Witton
And you're just having conversations about who your partner is.
Dan
What does your partner do? And then you start off with like, oh, well, they do, they're like self-employed.
Hannah Witton
What do you say? Because I -
Dan
I normally just go, ah she's self employed and then like, what do they, like -
Hannah Witton
You're like, please don't ask any follow up questions.
Dan
Then, if they ask a little bit more, I just say, oh, well, she produces online content. And then it's like, what kind of online content? Like, it depends how many questions deep we go. And each time I chip away a little bit. Basically, I'm just hoping that the first question they will be so bored with, they won't ask any more questions, ideal. But if they do, then whatever.
Hannah Witton
Sounds like exactly my strategy when strangers asked me what my job is.
Dan
Yeah, that's, well, maybe, yeah. It's just, not because I'm bothered by it. But just because I can't be fucking arsed to explain to people.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. What did you think of it when we first met?
Dan
I was used to it, though.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, but you didn't know who I was then? Like you didn't really know a huge amount of detail.
Dan
I knew plenty of people who did it.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Dan
Not specifically the sex content, but like online content. And I don't think it differs enormously. I mean, it's not it's like, it'll certainly be a different conversation if you were on like Pornhub, for example, that would certainly change the conversation a little bit. But yeah, just this I just see is looking, talking about educational stuff online. So what.
Hannah Witton
But I also talk about us online a lot.
Dan
Yeah, but I don't see any of it.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, it doesn't bother you. I often talk about the fact that you don't watch my content. So I can say whatever I like about you.
Dan
That's not special to you, though. Like as in I prefer not to watch content by people I know.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. But the people, the other people that you know, aren't talking about you unnecessarily?
Dan
Well, there's that. But I made a point of it, when we first met, of not watching any of your content, because I didn't want to get to know you through that.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Dan
Before I already knew you. Because I feel like it gives people a false impression.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I appreciate that.
Dan
And it's also why I think you see a lot of people online who think, oh, this person, people don't realise that you have, people have, I'm not saying you're like have massively different personas,
Hannah Witton
Well you wouldn't know, you don't know what my internet persona is?
Dan
Well, yeah, but it's the same persona I see when you like meet people who -
Hannah Witton
Okay, yeah.
Dan
Are online, you know what I mean. Even though I don't think you changed drastically, there probably are people who do. But I think it's, it would be, you get a false impression of someone, if you, when you're first meeting them, you looked at what they put out online. And also, maybe that's a lot of the problems with today's dating scene. Because that's what I do is present a persona to people online, and then they think that they've got an idea of what you're like in person.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I had the opposite issue with you. Because for you, like there was so much online, about me, that you could have looked at when we first started going out. And the opposite was true of you. There was absolutely nothing for me to go look at.
Dan
I'm like a ghost.
Hannah Witton
There was a few questions from people about that dynamic of like you not being on social media at all, and me, obviously, it being a huge part of what I do for my job. And also just, I enjoy it, personally, as well. And about like, if I get your permission for things as well. Which I do! Photos, I always ask for permission before.
Dan
I think it depends what it is, isn't it? Like I feel like you've got a pretty blanket, like permission for most stuff, nowadays.
Hannah Witton
I still ask you for every individual photo though.
Dan
Do you?
Hannah Witton
Yeah, that well, there was that one where you were asleep in the photo. So I asked.
Dan
That's what I mean. I feel like you have a good understanding of what is and what isn't acceptable without permission.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I did take a picture of you sleeping when, and you're fully naked, and I didn't post that one.
Dan
Thank you.
Hannah Witton
I think I did send it to my group chat though, with your sister in it. Listeners, Dan just like, has gone bright red and has put his hand on his face.
Dan
For anyone who's on twitch, it's literally the emote guy.
Hannah Witton
Oh, yeah. That's one thing that we actually do together publicly is the Twitch. You have actually gone bright red, I'm very sorry.
Dan
What do you see as the boundary for what you put online about me though?
Hannah Witton
Erm, I don't know. I think because I know you, I understand like what you feel is personal to you and private to you. Because I think there's a lot of things that you wouldn't talk about with friends or colleagues. So I feel like a lot of the stuff that I know about you, that maybe like our wider friendship group don't, that's off the cards.
Dan
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
But kind of like anything that I know you would be comfortable friends of ours knowing, and that's a funny anecdote, like, yeah, that I'll say online. Anything that's like about your personality in general, rather than, like specifics.
Dan
Details, yeah.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, rather than, like specific things. And I think also, I have a rule about my own experiences, where it's like, why am I telling this story? Like, what is the purpose of it? Am I like, is it just to say that this happened to me, as like an ego thing? Or is it gonna be, like, helpful to some people to know that other people have similar experiences? Or like, is there a lesson learned? Or, or is it like, just a funny story, do you know what I mean, Like what, what is the reason behind me telling that story? I often like, try and have to, like, clock myself to be like, what's the point? Like, is this do, is this like adding value or doing good? Or is it at least not doing bad? I don't know. I sometimes make up lies about you. No, I don't. I did tell people that I gave you a deadline for proposing back to me.
Dan
Hmm.
Hannah Witton
Have you, have you done that yet? Did you meet the deadline?
Dan
No.
Hannah Witton
How do you feel about that?
Dan
It will be achieved, at some point.
Hannah Witton
It will be achieved. Okay. I believe in you. There's no extenuating circumstances. This was before isolation, and if anything, you'll have plenty of opportunities, because we're just here together, all the time. What's that like? I don't think its -
Dan
We're here together all of the time
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I don't think it's made much of a difference to our relationship, so far. Two weeks in.
Dan
I mean, I don't get my nice, complete isolation from other people anymore, which I always enjoy.
Hannah Witton
Oh, like, when I'm out of the house, and you're in by yourself. Well, you had that for an hour today when I was at the shops. That's about it.
Dan
I feel like what what I, what I need is like, at least once every other week, I just need like, an evening where I am entirely alone, you know what I mean?
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Dan
Which is what you can't, which is unavoidable, you know what I mean.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, whereas I don't feel like I need those evenings. But I don't even know if I did enjoy them, when I had them. There'll be like, the odd occasion where you would have work drinks or like, you would be at a gig in an evening, and I wasn't doing something myself. So sometimes when you're out, I'm also out, but occasionally, there was a time when I was in and you were out. And I felt, I genuinely I think I feel lost to those things. I just don't know what to do myself. It's really weird.
Dan
You very much require having other people.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, but even if we're in different rooms, like that's fine.
Dan
Hmm.
Hannah Witton
I almost feel like I need there just to be someone else there. Or, like, if you're in the office, and you're like, I want to be by myself and play games. I'd be like, okay, cool. This is Hannah's TV watching time. But if you're not there, to like, tell me what you're doing, then I'm like, what should I do? Which room should I be in? I don't know. Yeah, it's confusing. I don't know. Oh, this is a great question. What's the worst part about dating Hannah?
Dan
Worst part about dating Hannah? It's a tricky one because -
Hannah Witton
Because there are no worst parts!
Dan
Because if there was something really bad, I wouldn't still be dating you.
Hannah Witton
True. So no deal breakers then.
Dan
Well, yeah, cuz I feel like if you're in a relationship, and you're just like, there's a deal breaker, why the fuck are you still in a relationship, do you know what I mean? And man, I've had enough bad relationships to not bother with that anymore.
Hannah Witton
See, that's something that I don't share online. Is about your relationships before me.
Dan
Well, yeah, but I don't feel like that's yours to share.
Hannah Witton
Exactly.
Dan
But the worst thing. Erm to be honest, a lot of it's probably the, we, the energy mismatch we have sometimes. Where I'm tired, or just want to sit quietly, and Hannah is utterly craving affection because she hasn't seen another human being all day and I've spent - so I'm the introvert, I spend all day at work with other people. Hannah's the extrovert who spends all day at home by herself. So then when I get home, I want to be as far away from other people as humanly possible.
Hannah Witton
And when Dan gets home, all I want is attention.
Dan
Yeah. So, but to be fair, I think we, we deal with it just fine.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. But now we're in isolation and I get zero connection from other people
Dan
Now you need all your connection from me.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Well, at least physical affection because I can get the other stuff from FaceTime. What?
Dan
It's just a funny, who else are you getting physical affection from, Hannah?
Hannah Witton
You know, like hugs and touches from friends.
Dan
I don't understand.
Hannah Witton
Oh, has Dan read your books?
Dan
Yeah
Hannah Witton
You read one of them.
Dan
Oh yeah, that's true. I haven't read the second one.
Hannah Witton
What did you think? Did you learn anything?
Dan
Um, there were there were little bits and bobs, but most of it was information I was familiar with. But then I honestly feel like I had a pretty good sex education growing up.
Hannah Witton
Okay, good.
Dan
So, I feel like there's a there's a lot of value there, because I think a lot of people do have real bad times with it.
Hannah Witton
What was your sex education like growing up? I don't feel like we've ever had this conversation.
Dan
I had it with my form teacher and he was hilarious.
Hannah Witton
Oh yeah.
Dan
Like he, they still very much did, the like, separated boys and girls, which I know isn't like -
Hannah Witton
Best practice.
Dan
But being like a cis man, it was really, it worked for me.
Hannah Witton
Well the whole world works for you my love!
Dan
But you know, I mean, like I did, I was given the information that I I needed at that time. Whereas I know that
Hannah Witton
Wait, how old were you?
Dan
To be fair, I - the first sex education I had was before, when I was in year seven.
Hannah Witton
Oh, yeah.
Dan
And then all the way through till -
Hannah Witton
Like puberty, like talking about puberty and stuff.
Dan
Yeah. And watching the childbirth video.
Hannah Witton
Classic.
Dan
Classic. I think everyone had the same one, if you went to school in the UK.
Hannah Witton
Biology lesson in year eight.
Dan
It wasn't a biology lesson, it was specifically time set aside.
Hannah Witton
Oh really? They showed it to us in science because it was like part of biology and the reproductive system. And then it was like, and here's someone giving birth.
Dan
See, mine was slightly different though, because I did, year 7, I was still in primary school.
Hannah Witton
Oh yeah. Because your school was weird.
Dan
Yeah. Because I was in West Sussex and I think we were the last year to do it, where we had our Year 7 in primary school. So we still had the classic, two classrooms per year set up.
Hannah Witton
I don't know, my primary school is weird. We had double years in one classroom. So when I was in -
Dan
Yeah, that's, that's super messed up. But what I mean is, so we didn't have, we didn't go like everyone else was going to separate classes. And everyone in the year had different timetables whereas we had two classes for the entire year.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Dan
So they literally could just say, today we're doing, I don't think they called it sex education, I don't know what they called it. Maybe they did, I can't really remember
Hannah Witton
PSHE?
Dan
We didn't really use that term in the UK, like, do we?
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I had PSHE classes.
Dan
But what I was gonna say was your first book, when I did read it, I read it in a day, sitting on the back of an army like truck.
Hannah Witton
Yeah
Dan
Hanging off the, cuz I think I sent you a photo.
Hannah Witton
You did, I think you were in a tent.
Dan
No. I was sitting in on the back of, you know, those big covered trucks that have the canvas covering on the, I was sitting on the tail of one of them
Hannah Witton
I love the idea of like, the mental image of you in like camo, on an army exercise, reading Doing It: Let's Talk About Sex! Oh, there was another question that I can't find right now, but it was something, it was kind of similar. It was like, what have you learned from being in this relationship? I think the question was specifically about sex. This podcast is about sex, so let's keep it about sex. So anything that you've learned, from me, about sex? Come on, this is my job.
Dan
Erm, I don't know, I'm trying to think. It's difficult to think of specific examples.
Hannah Witton
Oh, I know something that you didn't learn directly from me, but you learn from some of my friends.
Dan
What?
Hannah Witton
That sexual orientation is not necessarily equal to sexual behaviour.
Dan
Yes, yeah. What else have I learned? There's lots of stuff. I learn about stuff the other, all the time
Hannah Witton
Any specifics?
Dan
My eyes were not open to, like, how common people with multiple partners are. I didn't know that was a thing that lots of people did/
Hannah Witton
Oh, like polyamorous.
Dan
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, it's tricky because I feel like the circles that I'm in, I know a lot of people who are polyamorous. But I think that's because of like, the work that I do and the type of people that I meet through that. So I don't I really, I really don't actually know how common it is. But like, once you like meet one then you're like, oh my God, they're everywhere.
Dan
Yeah, I didn't really think about that, that's the thing?
Hannah Witton
What do you think of polyamory, for yourself?
Dan
I can see why it's appealing. I don't think it's for me. I'm far too vanilla. Also, I, I could not be arsed to have any meaningful relationship with more than one person really. Like a romantic relationship. I just couldn't.
Hannah Witton
Couldn't be bothered.
Dan
Right.
Hannah Witton
You're too much of an introvert.
Dan
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Like you have to spend all of the energy you do have on me.
Dan
Yeah, I don't have any left for anyone else!
Hannah Witton
This is why I keep asking for another boyfriend. I'm just like, can I have another one for when you're by yourself.
Dan
Have you learned anything from me?
Hannah Witton
About sex?
Dan
Yeah. I'd be surprised.
Hannah Witton
Erm, I don't know. I feel like this but so I don't know if this is, hmm, how do I say this? I think there's a few things I've learned in terms of like, sex acts or like certain sexual techniques. But I think that's just because we're good at communicating things.
Dan
Yeah, we good at, I feel like that's more specific. I was thinking more broad brush,because everyone's got individual preferences.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, individual things.
Dan
And what works for one person won't work for another
Hannah Witton
More broadly. Oh, I think I'm learning a lot about, and this is totally going to come across in like, a weird way, I don't, I don't want this to come across in a bad way. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, my dear. But I think I'm learning about sex not being the like, most important thing in a, like long term, romantic companionship relationship.
Dan
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
And I don't know, I feel like that's something that I don't want to let go of completely, because it's important to me, and you know that
Dan
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
But it's about like, I don't know, I feel like society gives us these ideas, like you hear lots of stuff in magazines, or whatever, you know, or even just like, friends talking about it. It's like, oh, the average couple has sex three times a week. And then all of this stuff of like, oh, when you're, you know, two years is the honeymoon period. And, you know, this is what a normal couple does, and trying to, like, I think I have a lot of, not necessarily guilt, but I have a lot of expectations, I think, around like, you know, I'm also a victim of like all of these messages about what's normal in a relationship. And so like, being able to unpack that and being like, oh, our relationship isn't bad if x, y and z. Do you know what I mean? Like, if we're not hitting like, certain criteria that I've read about that is a good healthy relationship, I have to actually look at what our relationship is, and just being like, wait, no, this is good.
Dan
I think the key thing is that, ultimately, and there's no like ideals for relationships. And there's no real norm, I don't think. I think it's there's that, and I think actually, it's something that people are coming to accept more. As, you know, the structure of families and things change, is that the traditional, because I think there's that that leftover from the sort of marriage, Christian narrative from eons ago, saying that, oh, this is what a relationship should be. This is what a couple should be. You know, this structured formulaic thing, when the reality is that people differ enormously.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And even, I think in like doing what I do, I hear stories from people who are like, oh, well, maybe if they're asexual or even not asexual, just like, oh, I'm in a relationship, but like, we don't really have sex, like it's not part of it.
Dan
And they can be perfectly happy and healthy relationships
Hannah Witton
Yeah, and I just, I think we like yeah, like you said, there's just like mould. And I think a lot of issues could potentially arise in relationships, when it's not that a certain thing isn't happening, it's the belief that that thing is bad.
Dan
I also think that the, it's people trying to do things that maybe they don't feel like they, they feel they need, in order to meet those criteria.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Dan
But also, the second thing is, I think a lot of it comes from people then thinking that's how it should be and not communicating what they actually do want.
Hannah Witton
Yeah
Dan
And that's one of the things that I think is a strength in our relationship, is that we can be very open with each other.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I feel like I remember, ages ago asking you like, in an ideal world, how often would we have sex?
Dan
Hmm.
Hannah Witton
And I think that's a really interesting question to ask a partner. Just to be like, in an ideal world, like how often does it happen? Like no expectations, like not promising anything, but like, and also I feel like my ideal, is almost like part of my fantasy, and not even like part of my reality.
Dan
Not even actually what actually, if it was actually happening, you'd be like, oh, actually I don't want this. But I think that's true for a lot of people, though. But I think it's a tricky one to kind of deal with in terms of what you think you want.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, but I just think it, I just think it causes so many issues in relationships, but also like, internally with people, when we have an idea of what is normal for your sex drive, or normal for like, your sexual behaviour or like, you know, your sexual relationship, and not really listening to yourself, and constantly feeling subpar, because you're like, oh, I'm not normal. Like, what's wrong with me?
Hannah Witton
But I think part of that is because people have always done it, in terms of comparing themselves to their friends and
Hannah Witton
Yeah. But we don't even know like, how much do you really know about your friends sex lives?
Dan
No, you only know what they tell you, which is always going to be a very cherry picked, you know, representation.
Hannah Witton
They’re either gonna tell you like the best bits or the worst bits.
Dan
It's all the boring stuff in the middle that just gets missed out, which makes up the vast majority of being in a relationship, is all the boring stuff, that's just day to day. We all expect to be a highlight reel.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, exactly, and most of our relationship is pretty boring.
Dan
Yeah. But all relationships are!
Hannah Witton
I have seen this question here that says, how did you know you were in love with Hannah?
Dan
Um, I actually don't know.
Hannah Witton
Rude.
Dan
But also, I think it's something that changes over time. Inn terms of, because I honestly, I think most of the time when you initially think oh, I'm in love, you're actually still very much in the -
Hannah Witton
Infatuation.
Dan
infatuation phase, which is probably true for me at that point as well.
Hannah Witton
Well, we said I love you very early on.
Dan
Yeah, that's what I mean. So it was almost certainly still in the infatuation phase. I honestly don't think you actually kind of are properly in love with somebody, probably until you've been with them at least a year.
Hannah Witton
I don't think you can put a time.
Dan
I don't think there's a timescale on it. But I certainly think it's a much a much longer period thing. I think it comes out of having
Hannah Witton
But there's like different stages of love. There is that like passionate love, and then you get to like your companionship love
Dan
Which is what I would consider to be properly love as we would talk about love in a more broader sense, outside of romantic relationships, is a lot of it comes from familiarity.
Hannah Witton
I hate saying that word, it's hard.
Dan
Well, I struggled! I don't know what you think.
Hannah Witton
I'm trying to think
Dan
Because you can't, it's difficult to put a finger on it.
Hannah Witton
When I fell in love, that weekend away. We both kind of had said to each other, not necessarily the weekend that we like fell in love, but it was like a weekend of like, oh this is different.
Dan
I have a strong emotional connection to this person.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Dan
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
And then love? I don't know. Yeah, it's tricky. Because also, like you say, like, let's go with your theory of like, a year-ish is when you might start getting into more of that companion love. At a year into our relationship, I was admitted into hospital.
Dan
Yeah, that's true.
Hannah Witton
So I think, I genuinely think that that maybe escalated us. I think, me being in hospital for a month, and then in recovery, and then basically like, pretty much six months of our lives, with the second surgery and everything. Maybe even longer than that, actually. That like, I think it was probably about nine months until I felt like I was fully recovered. Nine months. I think that time basically took us from the infatuation stage and it sped us through, we came out the other end, far more settled than I think we would have been, had that not happened.
Dan
But people people do form stronger emotional bonds, faster, in -
Hannah Witton
Through trauma.
Dan
High stress traumatic experiences.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Dan
That's why, like, soldiers in war zones or whatever, form very tight knit bonds over very small periods of time
Hannah Witton
Like you and your friend, well you weren't in a war zone together.
Dan
But regardless, like that's a that's pretty common. And I imagine it extends to lots of other parts of life as well.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. On a less serious note, why do you tall guys always go for short girls?
Dan
I don't know if it's true. I mean, I know I certainly have
Hannah Witton
I've gone for men of all different heights.
Dan
Wonderful.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I'm not -
Dan
You're just not picky, are you love.
Hannah Witton
No, but I've always known that I would have babies with a tall man, to just help give my kids a fighting chance.
Dan
See, I say this, but it will be sods law that you'll have a really short boy, and a really tall girl.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Dan
And, and his sister will be like, a foot taller than he is. That'd be fun.
Hannah Witton
Dan, are you a feminist?
Dan
Yes.
Hannah Witton
What does feminism mean to you?
Dan
I just see is equality. That's really all it means to me.
Hannah Witton
Fantastic, really insightful.
Dan
I don't know what you want from me.
Hannah Witton
What about intersectional feminism?
Dan
You'll have to define it.
Hannah Witton
So intersectional feminism is basically feminism that includes the fact that different identities will have different kinds of oppression. So like a black woman will have a different experience to a white woman. And traditionally, like feminism has been very much like a white, middle class, women thing. And so it's like, okay, what if you're disabled? What if you're trans? What if you're non binary? And what if you're working class? And actually, like, how do you help everyone, and making sure that your feminism is inclusive of everyone. And oftentimes, like, by making it inclusive, you often have to have specific things dedicated to different groups, because you have to be able to target that kind of oppression, because it will be different, although it is all rooted in patriarchy, and capitalism, and racism, so there you go.
Dan
Yeah, I mean, it's all the same structures, who lead to that.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Had you not heard that term before?
Dan
I have now you've, now you've explained to me. I think it's difficult for me, in terms of it is hard to, because because I don't directly experience it.
Hannah Witton
No
Dan
It's difficult.
Hannah Witton
You tick all of the boxes.
Dan
Yeah, it's difficult for me to get a proper understanding, even from for the shared experience, and how it impacts people's day to day, to then have a good enough understanding of each individual case but then, you know, forms part of that whole. Yeah, I mean, fundamentally, my belief is that everyone should have an equal opportunity, which is why I'm all for closing private schools and, and making sure that everyone has a great start to life. Because I fundamentally believe that that's the biggest failing of capitalism, is that some people get to start on easy mode. And I think it doesn't give the opportunities for the best people in society to rise to the top.
Hannah Witton
I love that you have explained your socialism in video game terms. Fantastic.
Dan
It's just an easy, it's just an easy example.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. No, fantastic. This is an interesting question. I know Hannah doesn't love the word fiance, how do you feel about it?
Dan
I'm fine with it. We don't really, I still just describe you as my partner.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Dan
More often, not. I don't have a problem. Sometimes Rob tells me off at work, because -
Hannah Witton
For saying what?
Dan
Because I'll say my partner, and he'll say, I think you mean your fiance. So, yeah, I think it's more important to other people to make that distinction.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. I think especially because of who my friends are, and people that I meet through work. When I describe you as my partner, some people assume you're a woman.
Dan
Oh, yeah, I think that's true.
Hannah Witton
I think it's important for straight people to use partner as well, because I think it just helps challenge all kinds of assumptions about like,
Dan
I also like it as a term because -
Hannah Witton
It's just all encompassing, I don't know.
Dan
It's all encompassing. It also feels more, I don't know, it almost feels more .
Hannah Witton
Serious.
Dan
It feels more serious, but it also feels more of a -
Hannah Witton
We're in a serious relationship.
Dan
Yeah. Also, I just think it feels more, should it really matter who the other person is?
Hannah Witton
Just call you Dan.
Dan
Yeah. I don't know.
Hannah Witton
Our ship name is HanDan, for people who are wondering.
Dan
Our ship name?
Hannah Witton
Have you not heard of that? Oh my God, I'm introducing Dan to internet culture. You're quite internet culture savvy though.
Dan
Yeah, I've just never heard it referred to as a ship name.
Hannah Witton
What, people like shipping. Huh?! Dan! Okay, so shipping is when you want like two fictional, usually fictional but it has extended to like reality tv and like social media personalities, when you want them to be together. So you ship them, and it's short for relationship basically.
Dan
Oh, I see. Okay, fine. Yeah
Hannah Witton
So you might ship like I don't know, name two Marvel characters that you want to be together.
Dan
Thor and Tony Stark.
Hannah Witton
There you go. So you use – you’re shipping Thor and Tony Stark, and maybe their ship name, I bet they already have a ship name.
Dan
It's Thark.
Hannah Witton
Thark?
Dan
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
There you go, their ship name is Thark. Or Thiron Man. I don't know.
Dan
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, so our ship name is HanDan. You've not heard that before? Wow.
Dan
I've seen the adding names together. I just didn't know that's what people call it.
Hannah Witton
Ships.
Dan
I thought it had something to do with actual boats when you first said it.
Hannah Witton
No but -
Dan
Like swinging a champagne bottle on to the back of the ship
Hannah Witton
Not that, but some people do use that as like a pun for like, say if there are two people that you really, really ship, but it's never going to happen.
Dan
Right.
Hannah Witton
That ship's sailed.
Dan
Right.
Hannah Witton
So there you go.
Dan
Wonderful.
Hannah Witton
Shipping is huge in like, nerd culture.
Dan
I bet I bet there's loads of pornography for it as well
Hannah Witton
And yeah, like fanfiction/fiction. Yeah. Who in Lord of the Rings so you ship?
Dan
It's got to be Gimli and Legolas, hasn't it.
Hannah Witton
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Dan
Clearly. No love interest for them anywhere else.
Hannah Witton
That's actually a great answer. 100%.
Dan
But neither of them show any interest in any of the characters around them.
Hannah Witton
Gimli gets a thing for Galadriel.
Dan
Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah.
Hannah Witton
But it's more like a little boy crush on a teacher
Dan
Yeah, yeah. She's proper old as well, so.
Hannah Witton
It's true. Oh, here's a great question that I think you'll appreciate. How does he rock that haircut so flawlessly?
Dan
I don't think I do. I think most the time it's not, doesn't cooperate.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Dan
Like now, for example.
Hannah Witton
Oh, I like that. Dan just swooped his hair across, so he doesn't have his centre parting anymore. Oh, there's an advice question. I don't really know how suited we are to be giving advice. But do you want to give it a shot?
Dan
It follows that don't follow any of this advice.
Hannah Witton
That's for drunk advice.
Dan
This is actually one of the few times I'm not drunk. So I can't give any advice.
Hannah Witton
I know, shock horror. What advice would both of you give to a couple who have lost themselves, sexually (a bit).
Dan
I suppose the kind of goes back to what we were saying before is, you both need to be honest about what it is you actually want.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Dan
And is it a case of you lost yourself? Or are you actually both happy with where you're currently at?
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I think because, like, lost yourself, does that mean that you're both not happy? Or does lost yourself mean your sex life is different to how it wasn't the beginning, and you think you should feel lost about that?
Dan
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Because there's that expectation of like, oh, my God, we're like, our sex life is different now. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing.
Dan
I think the best thing to do about it is both sit down, talk about what does your sex life look like? As you said, ideally, how many times would we have sex a week? What is that sex look like? Like, is it always penetrative? Is it not? Is, you know, and work out what both of your ideals are, and where's the overlap? Go for it, use lube.
Hannah Witton
Use lube? Fantastic. I think we should end it on advice from Dan. Use lube. You love a good bit of lube, don't you babe.
Dan
I just think it's solid advice, regardless of you know, what's going on, use lube.
Hannah Witton
Use lube, have a posh wank
Dan
Have a posh wank.
Hannah Witton
Is that a posh wank? Or is a posh wank -
Dan
A posh wank is with a condom.
Hannah Witton
Oh, what's one where you sit on your hand to numb it, and then to like wank yourself off with your numb hand.
Dan
There is a name for it, but I don't know what it is. That's one of those things that I don't think anyone has actually done.
Hannah Witton
What about soggy biscuit? Is that a lie too?
Dan
No that's just Tories.
Hannah Witton
Okay, amazing. Well, thanks, Dan.
Dan
You’re welcome
Hannah Witton
Thanks for listening, bye! Thank you so much for listening to Doing It. If you enjoyed it, I would really appreciate it if you left a rating and a review. You can find show notes at DoingItPodcast.co.uk and do go follow us on social media and I'll catch you in the next episode. Bye.
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