How to Plan a Same Sex Wedding | Transcript
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Hannah Witton
Hello, and welcome to Doing It, the sex curious show where we ask questions and nerd out and explore the weird and wonderful world of sexuality and relationships. I'm your host, Hannah Witton, resident sex nerd and a sex ed enthusiast. We are currently working on some very exciting changes for Season Five of Doing It. But we didn't want to leave you hanging. So here's what's going to happen. We asked you to email us questions for things you need advice with, and myself and my assistant Megan, who you may remember from a previous episode on going to attempt to answer them. Quick disclaimer though: we are not doctors or therapists. The advice we give is purely what we imagine we would say to a friend if they came to us with these questions. It's that kind of vibe of agony aunting. Either we're down at the pub having a chat, or at a sleepover, a dinner party, or having a really long phone call and getting deep. Each week in the lead up to season five launching, we'll be answering one question with new episodes every Wednesday as usual. If you want to share your thoughts, insights and advice on the dilemmas, then please do join in the conversation over on social media. We are @doingitpodcast on Instagram and Twitter. Links to everything we talk about in the show notes on our website, as usual. And I hope you enjoyed this series of agony aunt style minisodes.
Hannah Witton
Megan, what have we got?
Megan Moore
Okay, so this is from Shannon, who was 24 in New Zealand in the North Island. And the question says, I just proposed to my girlfriend, same sex couple. And she said yes.
Hannah Witton
Whoo!
Megan Moore
Congratulations! I wondered if you had some tips for planning a same sex wedding. My partner's family needs to be slowly exposed to the gay over the - over the time it takes us to plan it, but I want it to be a fucking cood party. There isn't much advice on how to go about it because it's not traditional.
Hannah Witton
Ooh!
Megan Moore
That's the question.
Hannah Witton
Well, you have had a same sex wedding.
Megan Moore
I have had a same sex wedding. Yes.
Hannah Witton
How did you go about planning that?
Well, I don't know how planning it was different to how, like, het people plan weddings, because we started from like, what do we want the wedding to look like? And planned outwards. It's not like we were like, what do we want this wedding to look like specifically because we're gay. Right? Like we would like - it's like, we were ruling out? Do we want a big wedding? Like, do we want a little wedding? Do we want like, venue? Do we want registry office? So for context, like we had a very non traditional wedding. It was me and my wife and hang on - four - I'm like how many people - four other people and a toddler at our wedding. And it was in the like, the registry office. It was really quick. Then we took a bunch of photos. And then we went to Pret, so like, it was really, really low key. But that was because that was all our personal preference. We just wanted something small. So I think if like, if you're wanting like a cool party, plan a cool party.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, that's what I was gonna say as well. Like, you've kind of you've stated what you want. Aim for that.
Megan Moore
And like the difference I think, in planning a same sex wedding is not so much in the planning part, because what your sexuality is doesn't necessarily inform like what you like, just as a thing to experience. And you want a cooll parties so just like plan a party that you want. And in terms of exposing your family slowly to the gay, I can't help because we didn't have any family at our wedding. We just had our friends. But I think like, really, they're either going to be okay to come to the wedding, or they're not going to be okay to come to the wedding. And like your level of gay, like gay in quotation marks is just going to be like how comfortable you feel at your wedding.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, cuz that's the thing. You want to feel comfortable. Yeah, you don't want to be constantly on edge that day being like, is everyone else feeling okay? is like the heteronormative panic at bay. Like...
Megan Moore
No, fuck them! It's your wedding!
Hannah Witton
Exactly!
Megan Moore
If they don't want to be there, they don't have to be there. But if you're - if you want to cool wedding party, you got a cool wedding party. Like that's sort of how I feel about weddings.
Hannah Witton
I was watching this video that was like going into some of the complications around weddings, and the politics -
Megan Moore
Oh god, the politics.
Hannah Witton
- and an interesting point was made that I hadn't really considered, which is like, if any family members are giving you money towards help pay for the wedding, then they might feel like they have extra influence in decisions. Because they're paying for some of it. Obviously, it depends on - because my parents gave me and Dan some money towards wedding, but they were just like -
Megan Moore
Have it.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, do what you want with it. So obviously, it'll be different for everyone. But yeah, you've, you've got the like, the, there's just the potential general family politics that come along with planning a wedding, and then plus this, like, exposing them to the gay at the same time, so I can see why like, that can be really stressful. But I think like always just like, coming back to what do you and your partner want? Like from that day? And like, plan, like a fucking cool party.
Megan Moore
Right? Like, the important thing is that on the day, you want to be worrying about as little as humanly possible. You want to be thinking about like, do I feel good in my outfit? And then you want to be thinking after that, look at this cool person that I get to spend the rest of my life with? And aren't they the best? Like, that's the level of worry you want on your wedding. You don't want to be like - to get to the day, and be like, oh my god, I made this decision previously, and I'm worrying like, I thought I would be worrying about it and I am worrying about it. I'm thinking about like, our guests interacting like this, is like, have we set up x y z - no that alll needs to be out of your brain for the wedding. Like, if - so whatever you can do, whatever decisions you can make, make them thinking about: if I have to think about this on my wedding day, how panicked would it make me?
Hannah Witton
Yeah, and also, because they've said that there isn't much advice on how to go about it, because it's not traditional? I'm not sure if you mean, because it's the same sex wedding or because you want to throw a fucking cool party and fucking cool parties aren't -
Megan Moore
Traditional weddings?
Hannah Witton
Yeah! But one of the things that we did was we literally, kind of like we took every single thing that is maybe like, traditional or expected about a wedding and we actually was like, is this something that we want?
Megan Moore
Yes, you did a whole video on it!
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Is this something that means something to us as a couple? And like, I remember having a conversation with someone where they were like, what's your colour palette? Or like, what's your - what napkins are you gonna have? And I was like napkins? I don't know, none? Just like whatever the restaurant has? We'll just take that.
Megan Moore
Right? Like, and if it matters to you, then it matters to you and that's something that you want to spend time on.
Hannah Witton
And that's fine!
Megan Moore
But like so we again, it was just it was like very, very small. People asked us what - if we wanted them to wear anything special, like whatever you feel comfortable in. We don't care. Like what - anything, so like someone wore a T shirt and jeans and we were like, great. You feel great. We love this for you. And I don't know about New Zealand, but here for doing a registry office, they send you like, like - or doing like a non church wedding, I guess - they send you like in advance a list of the like, like the script, essentially.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, the script.
Megan Moore
And it's like here are the like ABC options. What would you like us to say? This is where you would like insert your vows. This is where you would like, this. This is where the ring exchange would go.
Hannah Witton
We actually got none of that because of COVID. It was just like, we do no embellishments, no customization, you just get the basic thing. And Dan and I were like, yes, thank you. That is a lot less decisions for us to make.
Megan Moore
That's - we, we did that but not COVID, not because of COVID. We were just like none of this. None of this. None of this. And the part where it was like willst thou and we were like no thou! No thou!.
Hannah Witton
No thous. Yeah, let's speak English. Modern English. Thank you.
Megan Moore
Yeah, so like, you when it comes to like the like wedding-wedding part of it. I assume there's something similar where like, you can tailor what you're doing on the like, specifics.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, it was wild to me learning like what the actual, like legal bare minimum was to actually be married.
Megan Moore
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Like, so much of like what we see in movies and on TV, like, that shit ain't legally binding.
Megan Moore
Yeah, like I genuinely, always thought you had to exchange rings, like it was legally in you have to exchange rings? No, you don't.
Hannah Witton
I can't remember now, but I'm pretty sure it's just saying like, I so and so. will take so and so.
Megan Moore
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
And then signing the thing.
Megan Moore
Yeah, I think that's it. I think - I think that's it, I think you just have to say, like, you both just have to -
Megan Moore
Agree. You have both consent.
Megan Moore
You have to both consent verbally, and then you have to both sign it and it has to be witnessed.
Hannah Witton
Yep. And then you married baby,
Megan Moore
And then you're married! Our - definitely when the registry people were doing the thing, and like looking at our script for us, they were like, okay, so one of us is going to have to speak really slowly so that the person filling out the wedding certificate has enough time to fill the wedding certificate out, before you get to signing it. Like, sorry!
Hannah Witton
Love that. But I hope this helps, Shannon.
Megan Moore
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
And I hope that you get to have a fucking cool party. And I hope that you and your girlfriend slash fiance are very happy.
Megan Moore
Yes.
Hannah Witton
And I hope that the family stuff is not too stressful.
Megan Moore
Yeah, and I will say just about planning, whatever you're planning, when you're talking to vendors, or like whoever you're like contracting with or like, whoever is involved in organising stuff that isn't you, just go in being upfront about the fact that it's a same sex wedding. Like you don't even have to say - like, you don't have to go in like, I need you to plan a same sex wedding party, but like, just be like, oh, yeah, like my girlfriend and I are looking for x y z, or, my partner name and like, use the pronouns, because you will get a vibe. Like you will get a vibe really quickly as to whether they're chill with it, or like it's going to be - or whether they're going to be like,oh, no, I'm chill with this and then it's going to be a huge issue because they were just like saying that they're chill with it.
Hannah Witton
Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Megan Moore
Just go in. Like, get out of the way. Like in the first conversation, like, if you're emailing it, put it in the email, like, because - yeah.
Hannah Witton
Weeding out the homophobes
Megan Moore
Yeah. Just weed them out you because you want to know that as fast as possible so that you don't spend any more energy on it.
Hannah Witton
Or money.
Megan Moore
Or money, specially the money part. But yeah, go in with it upfront. And then. Yeah, I can't give you any specific like, this is how you will know but like, I assume that if -
Hannah Witton
Vibes.
Megan Moore
Like yeah, just - it's just vibes..
Hannah Witton
Like if it's not feeling right, for whatever reason.
Megan Moore
Exactly.
Hannah Witton
It's your wedding day. So yeah, you can absolutely say no to something because you like, just didn't get the right vibe.
Megan Moore
Just didn't get the right vibe. And I'm like, I'm sure Shannon knows this anyway, just from you know, existing in a queer body for like, their life. But yeah. Put it up front. Get a vibe check.
Hannah Witton
Love that. And hope this helps, Shannon.
Megan Moore
I hope you have a really fucking cool party and congratulations!
Hannah Witton
Yeah! Whoop whoop!
Hannah Witton
Thank you so much for listening. If you like the podcast, please don't forget to leave a rating and a review. It really helps us out and make sure to follow us on social media at @doingitpodcast to join in the conversation and keep up to date on everything happening with the podcast. Until next time!