I Want More Positive Stories About Porn | Transcript
Find the episode shownotes here!
Hannah Witton
Hello and welcome to Doing It, the sex curious show where we ask questions and nerd out and explore the weird and wonderful world of sexuality and relationships. I'm your host Hannah Witton, resident sex nerd and a sex ed enthusiast. We are currently working on some very exciting changes for Season Five of Doing It. But we didn't want to leave you hanging. So here's what's going to happen. We asked you to email us questions for things you need advice with, and myself and my assistant Megan, who you may remember from a previous episode on going to attempt to answer them. Quick disclaimer though we are not doctors or therapists. The advice we give is purely what we imagine we would say to a friend if they came to us with these questions. It's that kind of vibe of agony aunting either we're down at the pub having a chat, or at a sleepover, a dinner party, or having a really long phone call and getting deep. Each week in the lead up to season five launching. We'll be answering one question with new episodes every Wednesday as usual. If you want to share your thoughts, insights and advice on the dilemmas, then please do join in the conversation over on social media. We are @doingitpodcast on Instagram and Twitter. Links to everything we talked about in the shownotes on our website as usual. And I hope you enjoyed this series of agony and style minisodes.
Hannah Witton
Alright, then, what is this week's question?
Megan Moore
Okay, so, this week's question is about feelings about porn.
Hannah Witton
Ooh, porn, porn porn.
Megan Moore
So this is from an anonymous person in Illinois who is 29, using she/her pronouns. I have Crohn's and an ileostomy due to a persistent anal fistula, which means my partner and I haven't been able to have penetrative sex in over a year, because it causes a lot of pain for me. We are also newlyweds. So it's just been an all round difficult situation. My husband recently asked me if I was comfortable with him looking at pornography. In theory as a sex positive person, I have no issues with it and told him it was fine with me but have been surprised by the insecurity slash discomfort it has triggered at the same time. I was raised in a religiously conservative household and the narratives I was told about porn were all very negative. Furthermore, I've been dealing with a lot of issues around sex generally, due to medical and sexual trauma that I'm still recovering from. I'm trying to increase my exposure to stories about porn that are more positive and wondering if you have any thoughts or resources for me on this topic.
Hannah Witton
Ooh. Big hugs. Big consensual hugs. First of all.
Megan Moore
Big consensual hugs. So many.
Hannah Witton
Oh, yeah, this does sound really tough. And also, I think, like, even if the first thing I want to say is that even if like, in theory, you're like, a sex positive person, and you're like, yeah, that's totally fine, but then you start having this kind of like insecurity and discomfort relationship, like - that, that's nothing to be ashamed of, like -
Megan Moore
No.
Hannah Witton
Like, shame comes in all different shapes and sizes. And so obviously, like, you've had this experience of being raised in a religiously conservative household, which breeds one kind of shame, but then also in this kind of like, extreme sex positivity, that can also breed this other kind of shame of like, you're not sex positive enough if you feel uncomfortable with your partner watching porn. And I just want to say that like, that is - you shouldn't be ashamed of having that reaction to it. Because clearly, there's a lot of stuff going on here.
Megan Moore
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
And I think, like, the way that I like to think of it is like, even if our feelings aren't very like, PC, or like, whatever kind of like, community you're in, so like in the sex positive community. If your feelings aren't very sex positive, that doesn't mean that they're bad feelings.
Megan Moore
Yeah, like feelings - feelings have no inherent merit - or they're not like necessarily, they're, they're not good or bad, like, actions can be good or bad, but your feelings are just your feelings. They're just in there.
Hannah Witton
And often, it's like how we feel about our feelings that fucks with us, rather than the feelings themselves.
Megan Moore
Exactly. Like you're bringing external worth to the feelings. The feelings are just like in there. Like Inside Out.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, Like, I just wanted, I just wanted to say that because you said that you were surprised by the insecurity and discomfort. You can be surprised by it but you don't have to feel ashamed of feeling those things. That's just the first thing I wanted to put out there.
Megan Moore
It's a really good step. If you're noticing how you're feeling about how you're feeling - that there's something that like you want to explore or that there's something - like something there is clicking for you in a way that makes you want to sort of do some more internal work, which is like what you're doing now! You're already doing it! Congratulations! You started!
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And it sounds like you and your husband already are having some conversations about these things. Because he like, asked if you were comfortable with him looking at pornography in the first place. And so I hope that you're also able to then kind of say, ooh, actually, like, I am feeling these insecurities. And then with him being able to be like, okay, what are the insecurities? Are there ways that we can like help to alleviate them, reassure them, make you feel more comfortable? Because I think that when you have like, conversations in a relationship, where you're like, can I do this? And the other person is like, yeah, sure - that's not the end of the conversation.
Megan Moore
Oh, no.
Hannah Witton
That does not give you like, permission to, like, do that thing forever and ever until the end of time, and it doesn't mean that you, you can't come back to that conversation and come back to that thing and change your mind. And all of those things. It's always like an ongoing thing.
Megan Moore
Yeah. It's always ongoing. And I think it's really nice - I like - it's - I was gonna say, it's really nice that he asked you first, but like, no, that's just establishing consent, that's a baseline, no cookies. But the fact that he asked you is showing that he is already open to that discussion, like continuing that discussion, about where your feelings are and what his feelings are, and like, the door is already open. Like, you don't have to be the person that broaches that, because he's already started the conversation. If that helps, like, you're not just springing this out of nowhere. Sometimes that's like a scary feeling when you're the one being like, I have to introduce this topic, but I don't know how to do it.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And also, one thing I'll say that I think is kind of out of our scope, is the medical and sexual trauma. And I just hope that you're able to find a way to get like therapy or like some kind of like, professional support with that and in that like recovery process, and also maybe if you're able to do some of that with your husband. I think that could be really valuable.
Megan Moore
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
But you've come to us for some positive stories about porn.
Megan Moore
Yes, that's, that's the part that we can help with. Your local, your local friends with porn stories.
Hannah Witton
With porn stories. And yeah, I'm not entirely sure exactly what you're after. But I guess just kind of like, using porn in relationships, or it just kind of like, it just not being like, a point of contention in a relationship. Because I would say that, like, both me and Dan watch porn separately, and we've occasionally done it together as well. And it's just, I don't know, it's just like, a part of our own private sex life. Like each of our individual private sex lives - that when we want to, it can be something that we enjoy together. But it's like, it's like our own thing. And it's got like, nothing to do with the other person.
Megan Moore
Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Like, it's also like - is the question asker, are they coming to us for like, any - they want stories about people engaging with porn, and it not being shameful? Or are they looking for porn itself that is like a positive experience, just in general?
Hannah Witton
They've asked for stories about porn.
Megan Moore
Okay.
Hannah Witton
I can give some recommendations as well, you know.
Megan Moore
Oh, yeah.
Hannah Witton
So we had Poppy Lepora on the podcast from Self & More, and Self & More's like an independent sex toy online store in the UK, and they were doing a collaboration with Lustery and so I signed up to Lustery and very much enjoy. It's like a pay for your porn situation. So you like pay a subscription. And basically, people - couples - film themselves having sex and, and upload it and stuff. And so you can find all sorts of different people like they're real life couples, and it's like amateur porn. It's great. They do a little intro video, like hi, I'm so and so, I'm so and so, and we've been in relationship for this long and I hope you like our video.
Megan Moore
Oh, no, that's so sweet.
Hannah Witton
It's so cool.
Megan Moore
That sounds great.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I've also seen some porn where like, it's like sex within a vlog.
Megan Moore
Oh my god!
Hannah Witton
So it's like a daily vlog or like a weekly vlog and a couple are just going about their life, like going to buy groceries and they're like, doing some cooking or whatever, and then just in the middle of that they're like, and now we're having sex.
Megan Moore
That's so good. I - that's sort of how I feel about like, when people are like, why is there sex - there shouldn't be sex in books, or something, because you're like, well, media is just about someone's life and like are you saying that no one has sex?
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Megan Moore
It's not separate. That I would say, like, if - yeah, why not try like, like romance books, or just books with sex in them that the people are enjoying, because that's sort of - it's sort of that feels like a good step forwards, like, if you're not comfortable yourself, like diving into porn, or like talking to your husband further about the porn, like, you're not, then in that way, you're not consuming porn, technically - like, everyone's boundaries are different, but you can be engaging with it in a way that feels less immediate, I guess.
Hannah Witton
Audio porn, as well.
Megan Moore
Audio porn, exactly. Like, I think, I would say, like, getting more comfortable, feeling more positive about like, positive stories about porn, also, is going to come from you getting more comfortable with the sort of porn that you like.
Hannah Witton
And also having more positive experiences yourself, and those being like positive reinforcements.
Megan Moore
Exactly. Right? Like if you're, if you're just coming from, if you're coming from this background where it was really shameful, then maybe you haven't yourself, looked into porn, or like engaged with it in any way. So all of your feelings around it are about like, how do I feel about it as a concept? Or how when someone else does it? and maybe it would help to come in with like, here are some of my positive experiences for myself and my own understanding? If that's something you feel comfortable or interested in doing.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And I think one of the things that I would hope that you can talk about with like a therapist, or like a sex therapist, or like a mental health professional, whatever, whoever you can get access to, basically, is like, when it comes to these kind of more negative feelings, or the insecurity and discomfort around porn, like really actually drilling down, like, what is that and why? Like, is it because your husband is watching porn where there's penetrative sex, and you know that you've not been able to do that? And so it's, it's kind of like about, it's about the like, what you - what he can get from porn that he can't get from your sex life because of your health? Is it that the people that he watches in porn look different to you? Is it - is it maybe the fact that he's using free tube sites, and you're unsure about the ethical implications of the actors in the porn he watches? Like, there are so many different reasons of why we might be uncomfortable with somebody, somebody who we're in a relationship with watching porn. Is it - are they like paying a porn performer directly through something like Only Fans, which is obviously like, fine, but also, in your relationship does that - does that change how you feel about it?
Megan Moore
Yeah. Does that feel more personal? Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Lots of things to explore. I think like with yourself, with your partner, all of these things.
Megan Moore
Yeah. And in terms of, if you're looking for stories about porn, about positive experiences with porn, like, we've both watched and used porn, it's great.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And also asking your husband like, what does he get out of porn?
Megan Moore
Yes. Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Like why does he enjoy it? What - what does he like about it? Because it's quite interesting, because like, I think you might find for a lot of people, especially when it comes to like video and visual porn, they're just like, it's just an aid. It's literally just like, it's just something to help with the arousal.
Megan Moore
It is - it's a visual sex toy.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And a lot of the time, it's not anything deeper than that.
Megan Moore
It's, it's, it's just there, and it's hot to look at it.
Hannah Witton
Also, if you feel comfortable, like see if any peers, people in your friend group, who are maybe also in relationships, if that's a conversation that you feel like you can broach with them, to be like, hey, do you and your partner watch porn, like separately or together and like do do do do. You know, if that's something that you can talk about with your friends, or find people, peers, that you can talk about with that and see what their experiences are and stuff. You may be surprised.
Megan Moore
Yeah, just because no one's talking about it doesn't mean they're not doing it. I said the name of the thing.
Hannah Witton
Ayyy. Doing It! Whoop whoop. hope that you managed to find some positive experiences, positive stories about porn.
Megan Moore
Yes. And I hope that you are continuing to feel more comfortable within yourself and get to explore and work on these feelings that are making you feeling - that are making you feeling, great - that are making you feel ashamed or unhappy because I bet you're great.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, and I hope your ileostomy is treating you well.
Hannah Witton
Thank you so much for listening. If you like the podcast, please don't forget to leave a rating and a review. It really helps us out and make sure to follow us on social media @doingitpodcast to join in the conversation and keep up to date on everything happening with the podcast. Until next time.