End of Season 2 Q&A | Transcript

Listen to "End of Season 2 Q&A".

Find the episode shownotes here!

Hannah Witton 

But how crazy is that? That even though as someone who is like virginity is a construct and absolute bullshit, I'm still like, but I want to know if Queen Liz ever had sex. Oh, the hypocrisy, the hypocrisy.

Welcome to Doing It with me, Hannah Witton, where we talk all things sex, relationships, dating, and our bodies. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Doing It, you are tuning in to a special q&a minisode to mark the end of season two, and also the one year anniversary of this podcast. Last week's episode with Alex, which was the final episode with guest of season two, was the one year anniversary. We've been doing this podcast for a year now, which just seems so long, but also so short. It feels like this podcast has just been a part of what I do, and the work that I do online for ages, but it's only been a year. But thank you so much to everyone who has listened to episodes, who follows us on social media, and gets involved in the conversations. Thank you to all of my amazing guests, obviously.

And speaking of social media, actually, we are almost at 10,000 followers on Instagram. And when you hit 10,000 followers on Instagram, you get the swipe up link. So please, if you're not already, please do go follow us on Instagram. Podcasts aren't the same as YouTube videos, which I have been making for the last nine years, because there's no comment section. So we effectively use our social media platforms as a way for you to actually talk back to me. And it's where we follow up discussions and themes that have been talked about in different episodes, it's where we announced guests, and it is where we collate your questions for q&a episodes like this.

So after this episode, we're going to take a few weeks off, but please don't forget about us because we're going to be back for season three, very, very soon. If you want to know when season three will be launching then do follow us on social media and also you can sign up to my newsletter, as it will all be announced there in due course.

But now without further ado, I'm going to get into your questions. So I've got a few different themes, sex and relationships, obviously, and then about podcasting, and then also just some personal nosy questions for me, love it. So let's get into this now.

What's your opinion on the phrase 'losing your virginity'?

I'm not sure if I've covered this directly on the podcast, but the concept of virginity is out dated. Virginity doesn't really exist, it's not really a thing. So losing your virginity, to me, I'm just like, what have you lost? You've, it's not, it's not, you've just had an experience that you hadn't had before. It doesn't change anything about you. That other person doesn't now have something of yours permanently. It's just,  virginity is just such a gendered thing. If you're a woman, traditionally, it's bad if you're not a virgin, but then if you're a man, you get shamed for being a virgin. But like also, what does being a virgin mean? If you're a gay man, and you've only ever had oral or anal sex, but you've never had sex with a woman, are you still a virgin? If you're a lesbian and you've never had penetrative sex, are you still a virgin? There are just so many different sex acts out there. Virginity is so focused on penis in vagina, that it's just it's just a completely useless concept. Anyway, I could just rant about virginity for forever, but we're just going to move on.

What can you do if you're questioning your sexuality after being sure you're straight?

What can you do? As you know, but I feel like I need to say it, not speaking from experience here. But the things that come to mind of what you can do is just think about it some more. Talk with anyone that you feel comfortable talking to about how you're questioning your sexuality, watch some YouTube videos of people talking about their sexualities. The LGBTQ plus community on YouTube is, there is a plethora of videos on YouTube of people with all different sexualities and genders, and that can be a really great place to find people who are going through similar things to you and maybe you can relate to some of the labels that they use, or don't use. And also, don't beat yourself up about thinking that you were straight for so long. We live in a heteronormative society. We're all made to think we're straight from, you know, day one, and only some of us are. So it is absolutely not your fault for thinking that you're straight when you might not be. Because everything in society is telling us so.

I want to get into sex education as a career, but don't know where to start. Any tips?

This is actually something I was talking about on my personal social media recently. Because, you're not alone, there are a lot of people who follow me online who want to get into sex education, or sexual health as a career in some way. And unfortunately, at least this is the case in the UK, there is no direct path, there is no, here are the qualifications that you need to become a sex educator. There are so many different routes, and so many different capacities in which you can work in this space. When I first started, I had no formal training, I was doing a history degree, albeit specialising in sexual history, but I am mostly self taught. Last year, I did my first ever actual relationships and sex education training course and I now have a certificate. But that was like being put on by a charity. There's lots of other organisations out there that do training courses. But there's really no one way.

Anyway, I was talking about this on my social media, because I'm like, there must be something that I can do. Because I know a lot of people in the sex education space, a lot of professionals in sexual health. And then also I have this audience, where there are a lot of people who want to be sex educators, and I don't have any answers right now. But I'm trying to think in my head of like, how do I marry these two? How do I bring these two groups that I have access to together, so that everyone can benefit in some way?

How to get out of the cycle of choosing to be physical with people who aren't good for you?

I think firstly, be kind and compassionate to yourself. Anytime that you do choose to be physical, whatever that means for you, with people who you believe aren't good for you. There's probably something a bit more deep rooted going on there that me as a mere human being, cannot diagnose just from this one question that you have. But definitely start from a place of compassion before you decide to change any of your behaviour, make sure that you're doing it from a place of being kind to yourself. And then I think the next step is realising what your triggers are, like, what are the things that stop you from actually having a pause and thinking about something before you go ahead? Like, what are those things that you notice are your pattern? That like, like, what are those things that you see in your pattern? So kindness and self awareness, I think are your starting blocks. But it might be a case that people closer to you, who know your situation will be able to help you better.

When is the right time to start having sex, and how do you know what to do?

So the right time to start having sex is going to vary for everyone. And I know it's such a cliche, but when you're ready, you will feel like you are ready, obviously make sure that you and whoever you're having sex with are over the age of consent in whatever country you're in. But if you're unsure, then maybe just use that as a sign to say that you're not ready yet. And how do you know what to do? This is a great question. Because you're right, no one actually teaches us what to do. The only place where you can see other people having sex to get any idea of like, actually what to do, is in porn. And that's not always going to be the best educator. Especially if you're young, and you don't have the money to spend on independent porn, which might be a better education tool. But ultimately, it comes down to having a good foundation of respect and communication with whoever you're going to be having sex with, and there's nothing wrong with making it up as you go along and just figuring it out with that person. And also, if you want to masturbate, masturbation is also a good way to know what you like, so that when it comes to having sex with somebody else, you have a bit more of an idea of what you want to do with them.

Tips to help friends be sex positive and see the importance of education at a young age.

Great question. If it was me in the situation, I think I would just be doing lots of signposting. I'd be like, go read this article or have a look at this Instagram account. Obviously, the one I'm going to recommend is Sex Positive Families. We had Melissa on the podcast this season. I like to think that when people are presented with the evidence that if you give young people relationships and sex education from a young age, they make better decisions about their sex life, about their bodies, they feel more confident and comfortable in themselves, and they tend to delay their first sexual activity with somebody else, and it helps them to become stronger and resilient human beings. So all of the evidence points to it being a great thing. And I would just do lots of signposting to like read this, read this. That's that would be my personal strategy. But then if you want to tap into their emotions, maybe, if you are able to have like an open discussion with your friends about what your sex education was like, what their sex education was like, and maybe start to realise the pitfalls and the failings of that, then that might help you be able to see, oh, things could be better.

How can you tell if you like someone?

 Now, I don't know about you, but when I like someone, I can't stop thinking about them, just stare at their eyes and their lips all of the time, I get like a fluttery sickly feeling in my heart and in my stomach, I want to take their clothes off and see them naked, I care what they think of me, I replay conversations that we had in my head over and over again, and try to decipher what they thought of me and what I said, and if I could have said anything better. I mean, these are all of the things that I feel when I'm at like the early stages of fancying somebody, I just want to be around them all of the time. But that's just me, you might have different signs that you like someone, but those are some obvious ones.

Is lockdown a good time to move in together for the first time?

I don't know about a good time, but a lot of people are doing it. And you know, it's about each individual relationship, if you have a conversation with your partner to say, hey, you know, we're not gonna see each other for a really long time, or we can make the jump and live together. Might not be that you're going to permanently live together, but it might be that you just like, you know, for this time, let's try it out, use it as a little trial period. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. People are doing all sorts of different things in their relationships that, you know, they wouldn't normally do because we're living in exceptional circumstances. And if you you know, if you want to live with your partner now, absolutely go for it.

Getting divorced after 17 years, dating seems a lot different. Any tips for transition to the digital age?

Wow. To be honest, even with me, only being in relationship for three and a half years, I even feel like the digital dating landscape has changed so much since I was doing it. So I will help you as much as I can. I think the first thing is you don't have to do online dating, if you don't want to. Yes, it seems like it's the only way people meet these days, but that's not the case. Yes, a lot of people are meeting online, but lots of people still meet in real life. Except not now in a pandemic lockdown situation. But in general. So only do it if you really, really want to. Don't do it if you're doing out with this like feeling that you have to. But also you could do out of curiosity, that is always okay. It's a tricky one, I would go into it with low expectations, curiosity, honesty, and try not to take any ghosting personally.

How to get over body image insecurity during sex? It ruins that every time.

I'm really sorry, you experience that. I think the first thing would be to acknowledge that it isn't your fault that you're feeling like this. We live in a society and in a culture that has trained us to hate our bodies, and that is really difficult to overcome. The places that I go for help with body image, @Bodyposipanda and @ScarrednotScared on Instagram. I would recommend having a scroll through their posts, reading their captions, and just really having a deep dive into what they're saying about a body shaming culture, about diet culture, and about those steps and also just that encouragement to get to a place where, maybe not necessarily like rejoicing and loving your body, but hopefully, it not being a barrier to you living the life that you want to live.

When will I know if my relationship is forever?

I feel like you might not like my answer to this question. I don't believe forever exists, everything ends. And in the case of a relationship, they either end in breaking up or death. Whoo, real positive thoughts for the day. But that doesn't stop for me in my relationship using the word forever. But with that acknowledgement of knowing that it doesn't really exist, and that's not what I mean. I think if you're asking, when do you know if your relationship is, you know, going to go the distance? Or whatever the end goal looks like to you, like, if you are someone who wants to get married, if you are someone who wants to have kids like, is this person going to be that person for you? You know when you know. Ugh, I hate that, but sometimes it's true. I really do believe that it is, if not daily, a weekly, monthly decision that you make. Like, I am deciding to love this person, and I am deciding to stay in this relationship, and I am deciding that we are going to build a life together. Well, obviously, it's not just you deciding about building the life together, you need to get them on board for that part, too. But I don't believe it's just this like, you wake up one day and you go, right, this is my person, this one is forever, and then that's it. Because you have to make that decision to love them and be with them every day. Not that it's a hard decision. But good questions to ask yourself is, does this person make me feel safe? Does this person make me feel seen? Does this person respect me? Do I like this person? If I spend three months locked down in isolation with this person, will I get bored of them? You know, just the basic questions.

Do you have any references, books, etc, to help couples find their sexual peace together?

Oh, yes, this is the book I recommend all of the time. And it's Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. And there's a lot of really good stuff in there specifically about couples, and mismatched sex drives, and it really is just a mind blowing book, would recommend.

How do I find a person to date?

I'm going to answer this as if we're not in lockdown. But the advice that I usually give is, just go about your life, do the things that you enjoy doing, along the way you will meet other people who also enjoy doing similar things to you and also, you know, have similar hobbies or, you know, go to similar places. You will find a person to date, who you want to date, whilst you're just living your life and just doing the things that you already love doing. Or you will find them online dating. And just talk about the things that you like doing.

What in your opinion is the most toxic relationship, in fiction?

Um, I like this question. I would say Romeo and Juliet. Toxic, toxic, toxic relationship. Ended badly.

And on that note, we are at questions about podcasting. Boop, boop boop boop. Dream guest?

Oh, as I already mentioned her, Emily Nagoski would absolutely love to speak with her. And also Esther Perel. I feel like I've mentioned that before, but oh my god. Esther Perel.

How many people are part of the podcast team?

Oh, great question! So there's me. I do all the talking. And then the podcast is co produced with Global. So there's a team at Global that help with like putting the ads on the episodes, and also, there's someone at Global who does the editing of the podcast. Shout out to Dan, not my partner Dan, but the podcast editor is also called Dan. And then my assistant, Megan, she helps out with the Doing It social media, and writing up the show notes on our website. If you are ever curious about things that we talked about in this episode, they are all on the show notes with links to resources and things that we mentioned in the episode if there was any, like books or stuff. And that's all I'm DoingItPodcast.co.uk. So that is the main team.

Pros and cons of making a podcast, instead of a YouTube video on a topic?

I think when you have an interview based podcast, it allows you to kind of explore lots of different topics with just one person. And I also think that podcast episodes can be a bit longer than a YouTube video, and so it means you can really dive into those topics. Obviously, it's not visual, so that's a con. I could film it, but also, I'm now recording remotely. But that's just a lot more work to film episodes as well. It's just a different format, so it allows for different kinds of conversations. And also I do feel with podcasting that I'm just not as much of a slave to the algorithm of platforms, because obviously, like YouTube is one platform where most video hosting happens, right. But with podcast, lots of you will be listening to this on different platforms. Some will be on Apple, some will be on Spotify, Google Play, Global Player, I can't name any, what do I use, I use Pocketcasts. There's so many different platforms out there, so you're not at the whim of one algorithm. So that feels very freeing, to be honest, when making podcasts.

How much research Do you do before recording an episode? You always sound well prepared.

Why, thank you. So it's a bit of a mix. Sometimes if my guest has something to promote, like a book, I will have read all of it, or most of it by the time that I record with them. And I'll have been like making notes along the way, and just like have lots of things that I want to ask them about. I, most of the time, I always plan out questions in advance. But I also just let the conversation just like go wherever it goes, because it can be quite unpredictable, which is what I love and the different tangents that happen. Sometimes my assistant Megan helps out with creating like a fact file about a guest, especially if it's somebody that I don't know, as well, just to get like a bit of background information about them and their work so I can draw on that info. For my questions, I always have lots of questions beforehand. And also recently, in the last few episodes of this season that I did, I was asking for people's questions on Instagram of what they wanted to know, that actually was working really well, and I really loved getting audience questions involved, because you guys came up with stuff that I wouldn't have been able to. And sometimes it was like advice questions as well, which, you know, if I didn't need that advice at the time, I wouldn't have asked, but I think it really added something. So going into season three, that's definitely something that I'm keen to continue. But the thing is, is that I just record episodes sometimes out of order that they're released, and sometimes I record things like a week before it goes out. Sometimes I record them, like a month before it goes out. But yeah, asking you guys for questions is also a thing that I want to do more of.

Were there any guests that said something that you really disagreed with?

Not really disagreed with. I more get guests on who I just want to kind of hold a microphone to them and just blast their message, like even further. Just leverage the audience that I have, and get these messages and the things that they're doing and their work to new ears. I would say that, to be honest, the only guest that I disagree with was probably Brenda, God is Grey, just because I'm not a Christian. And that's literally the only thing that we disagree on, is the existence of God. But I loved recording with Brenda and I think she is brilliant, and I may have a friend crush on her and I just want to be her friend and just talk to her all the time because I just think she's great. But we you know, disagree on that one thing. One big thing, potentially. But I don't think that really matters. I've got a lot of Christian friends as well. So it's all good. But yeah, not really disagreed with anyone's like ideas, per se about sex and relationships. I've definitely been open to new ideas on the podcast, though.

Can anyone just make a podcast? Does it cost anything to do it?

You can just make a podcast if you have a smartphone, and an internet connection, because your phone can be used as a recorder, then you pop it up on the internet. I actually made a video on my More Hannah YouTube channel about my podcast setup, and how much it costs me. I recorded that before lockdown as well, so it's different now recording remotely. But that will give you an idea for what I do. But you can have a podcast set up from anywhere between already got the phone to like 1000s and 1000s of pounds. My podcast setup was in the hundreds of pounds range.

Is there anyone from history that you would love to do a sex and relationships themed podcast with, if you could, where you could ask them anything and they would answer honestly?

Oh, I feel like my answer to this isn't going to be as juicy as you think. Like, obviously like the first person that came to my mind was actually Queen Elizabeth the first. I'd be like, are you a virgin though? But we already like went through how that doesn't matter. But her whole thing, like what she's remembered for, is like being this virgin queen. But I'd be like, come on, come on though. Did you have sex with anybody? But how crazy is that? The even though as someone who is like virginity is a construct and absolute bullshit, I'm still like, but I want to know if Queen Liz ever had sex? Oh, the hypocrisy, the hypocrisy. It's okay, if you acknowledge it. Probably not. No, but my real answer is actually I'd be so curious just to talk to a normal person, or maybe even someone who was like a 19th century sex worker. Like not a famous person, whose name I can say now, but just like somebody who just was living their life, I want to know what they thought about sex, I want to know what like the culture was at the time, I want to really know like, what messages were being sent to them, but not just the messages that were being sent to them, because in history, we can study those because they're usually like in the law or in books, but I really want to know is what people were getting up to behind closed doors, the things that we lose in history, the things that we can't figure out, the things that we don't know. I'd be like, come on, tell me who's banging who? I think just more about like, what do you use for contraception? Do you ever think about that? How do you feel about sexual pleasure when, you know, the world is telling you it's bad? Or how do ordinary people feel about homosexuality when, you know, all the world's telling them that it's bad? I'd want to really get into just like, real people's lives.

Okay, and now we're on to you getting into one person's life, on to your personal questions. How do you and your boyfriend give each other space while living in lockdown?

Great question. I feel like this is something that a lot of people are struggling with. We're very lucky in that we live in a two bedroom flat. So there is enough space for us to hang out in leisure time, not in the same room. So often, he'll be in the office just like on his computer playing video games, and I'll be in the living room watching TV. So we just make sure that we have that time apart where we don't talk to each other. Dan needs it a lot more than me. I could very happily be in the same room as him all of the time, don't necessarily need to be talking. But that doesn't bother me. Him, on the other hand, he does need that time, like physically apart in a different room. But because we understand that about each other, I don't take it personally. He'll just be like, okay, I need to get away from you now. I'll be like, okay, bye.

If you can't get married this summer, as planned, would you delay having kids?

No, but we still plan on getting married, but we just like won't have a big wedding. We just won't have the party. We still want to get married when planned. And I don't think it will delay us trying to have kids, we shall see.

Of all of the jobs you could do, why did you pick sex education?

I didn't pick sex education, sex education picked me. But actually, I do think that that is kind of accurate, because I don't know if I ever made any, like active decisions along the way of like, oh, I want to be a sex educator, how do I go about doing that? It literally was just like, I'm making YouTube videos. I love it. Also, this is a thing that I really care about, and I'm learning lots about, and I find it really interesting. Oh, I know, I can make videos about that because I got this audience of people, and then I'm doing something good with my platform rather than, I don't know, just making random, weird. videos that, you know, don't make a positive impact necessarily. Yeah, I'm big believer in with great power comes great responsibility. And when you have a platform of people listening to you, that is a form of power. And I wanted to make sure that I was using it responsibly, and making a difference and making a positive impact in people's lives. And sex education was something that I was already passionate about and learning actively about, and so I felt that that was the best course for me to pursue. And then things just spiralled.

Well, thank you so much for listening, and thank you so much for your questions. Make sure to follow us on social media we are@DoingItPodcast on Instagram and on Twitter. And over there, and also on my newsletter, is where you will find out when the start of season three will be. But for now, thank you so much for a wonderful season two. I really hope you enjoyed it, and I hope that you stick around for some more amazing guests next season. Bye.

Thank you so much for listening to Doing It. If you enjoyed it, I would really appreciate it if you left a rating and a review. You can find show notes at DoingItPodcast.co.uk and do go follow us on social media and I'll catch you in the next episode. Bye.

This was a global original podcast