Asexuality and Aromanticism with Yasmin Benoit | Transcript
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Hannah Witton
Welcome to Doing It with me, Hannah Witton, where we talk all things sex, relationships, dating, and our bodies. Hi, everyone, I hope you're enjoying the new season of Doing It so far. We have had many requests since we started to cover the topics of asexuality and aromanticism and I hear you. Asexuality and aromanticism are so often left out of sex education, the sex positivity movement, and the LGBTQ plus community. It is often a misunderstood orientation in a world that is seemingly so obsessed with love and sex. So in this episode, I chat with Yasmin Benoit, a model and asexuality activist. Yasmin identifies as asexual and aromantic and we chat about what both of these terms mean, and common misconceptions about them. The differences between attraction, arousal, desire, and sex drive, and we talk about asexual media representation and inclusion in pride and the LGBTQ plus community. Yasmin was so incredible to talk to, she has been championing asexual voices with her, This Is What Asexuality Looks Like campaign, and I would highly recommend following her on Instagram. We don't talk about this in the episode, but recently, she's also written an article titled As a Black woman Celebrating Pride This Year Has Been Hard, which is a must read. I hope you enjoyed this episode. As usual, you can find show notes and the timestamps for your questions that you submitted on our website, DoingItPodcast.co.uk. I hope you enjoyed this episode, here is Yasmin Benoit.
Yasmin, absolute pleasure to meet you and chat with you, how you doing?
Yasmin Benoit
I'm good. Thanks for having me.
Hannah Witton
I'm really excited to have this conversation because we've actually had a lot of requests to cover asexuality on this podcast. And so I'm really glad that I like found you online and that we can dive into this topic. So I guess like I would just want to start with for you, it'd be good to get your definitions of asexuality and aromanticism.
Yasmin Benoit
Well, I use the pretty general definition of for asexuality, not experiencing sexual attraction or experiencing it to a very small degree. And for aromanticism, that means not experiencing romantic attraction. So it's separate. Some people think that they're kind of like the same thing, but romantic attraction and sexual attraction don't always go hand in hand.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, and some people are asexual, but not aromantic and the other way around, but you identify with both.
Yasmin Benoit
Yes, I do.
Hannah Witton
And how did you like, first realise that you were asexual and aromantic and, like, was that difficult in like, in this world that seems so obsessed with like, sex and love?
Yasmin Benoit
Um, well, I mean, I realised around the same time as everyone else seemed to realise that they weren't. I feel like there's a phase of life where everyone's kind of at least asexual and then, I don't know, the hormones kick in and the interest change.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I mean don't know, I was four years old when I experienced my first crush.
Yasmin Benoit
I mean, I have heard like, I have heard, things like that before. But for me, like I really didn't notice until like, late primary school, when I felt like woman and everyone just wanted to play together and skip and do cat's cradle and all that stuff. And then all of a sudden, like, girls are fighting over boys, and people were going out with each other, and they're fancying each other, and I was like, if there's something in the water, like, What just happened?
Hannah Witton
You were like, I cannot relate to this.
Yasmin Benoit
It was bizarre.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Did you ever thinks like, oh, maybe like it will kick in for me at some point. Like, when was the moment when you discovered like the term and the identity of like, asexuality and was like, oh, hang on, maybe that's me?
Yasmin Benoit
Well, I mean, I did think it would kick in because I was pretty young when I first noticed, but it wasn't something I was going to encourage, because it looked like effort, and I was witnessing what was happening to other people and I thought this all seems very dramatic and a little bit silly.
Hannah Witton
You're like, I'm gonna save myself a lot of pain.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, so I was like, I'm sure I will become afflicted with whatever this is, but I'm not going to encourage it because it doesn't actually look very fun.
Hannah Witton
I love that, an outside perspective on on romance. It's just like, guys, it doesn't look like any of you are having a good time.
Yasmin Benoit
It didn't, it was kind of like, I know it was like Rick Grimes waking up in The Walking Dead and realising that like something had happened, like me coming back after the school holidays and being like, wow, what just happened? Something's changed. But I didn't realise the actual word until I was like 15. So that was quite a few years of me like making up words to try to explain it, when people would constantly ask me what my sexuality was.
Hannah Witton
What would you say? Do you remember?
Yasmin Benoit
I was just kind of, I just kind of like try and use like full sentences. I feel like oh, I'm not interested, or I'm just not really interested in people like that. I'm busy. I'm this, I'm that. I would use the term straight, but like, I would always say I'm straight, but I'm not attracted to boys, which is kind of a contradictory statement. But I didn't have, I know any other word is straight was the default. So I kind of had to come up with a bunch of stuff.
Hannah Witton
Oh, wow. Where did you first hear the term asexual then?
Yasmin Benoit
Someone just mentioned it to me in, like, one of my daily sexuality quizzes where they were like, are you gay? And I was like, no. Like, are you straight? And I was like, yeah, but I'm not attracted to boys. I'm not attracted to anybody. And then they were like, well, maybe you're like, asexual or something. And then I was like, okay, so I just googled it. And I was like, Ah, there's a word.
Hannah Witton
What are these sexuality quizzes?
Yasmin Benoit
Well, you know, like, when people just, well, when you're just -
Hannah Witton
People would ask you?
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, when you're in a place where everyone's like, super thirsty all the time, I went to an all girl school.
Hannah Witton
Ah, so people were just quizzing you all the time about like, who you fancy.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah. And then I never did. So it was noticeable that I wasn't interested in anybody. And then people would, you know, start asking questions and make me think about it, even though I really wasn't that bothered, and I wasn't concerned, and I wasn't thinking about it until people asked me.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, because I feel like if you, if you aren't ace, so much of your time and energy just gets spent on like thinking about those kinds of relationships. So I wonder, like, for you, what are the most fulfilling relationships in your life? Is it like friends, family?
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, I mean, I'm more focused on just any other kinds of relationships. So I guess I, I mean, I'm not the most social person in the world, but I place more emotional emphasis on platonic relationships, or a don't know, family relationships, or just, I mean, people talk to me a lot, because like, I have followers who talk to me all the time. So I feel like that's the kind of relationship in a sense, so, um, yeah, I feel like I kind of am absorbed in those kinds of relationships over romantic ones.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Part of me is just like, wow, it must gonna save a lot of time.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Um, what are some common misconceptions that you've come across about like a sexual a romantic people?
Yasmin Benoit
Oh, my God, I've heard so many. They're slightly different, slightly for asexuality, aromanticism. For asexuality, it's usually like, oh, you haven't found the right person yet or you're probably gay, you just haven't realised. Or you have a mental disorder, or it's a physical disorder, or personality problem, or you're just anti sex or prude, or you got molested, and now you just have issues or like, maybe you're a paedophile and you don't realise like, I've heard everything.
Hannah Witton
Oh my goodness
Yasmin Benoit
And for aromanticism people tend to think that's more of like a strictly a personality issue. Like, if it's an asexual thing, then you probably just have a physical problem, but if you're aromantic, then it's probably something wrong with your soul. If you can't experience romantic love, then it's like a very Voldemortesque quality.
Hannah Witton
Because society like puts romantic love and romantic relationships on a pedestal like that is the like, ultimate, like goal in life. If you had like a hierarchy of types of relationships, like people put like romantic love, like right up there,
Yasmin Benoit
They do, which is quite inconvenient when you're not interested in that because it means that people kind of put every other relationship was like secondary or being like, lesser than, so that's always been something that I think aromantic people find quite annoying.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Do you do you ever date? Is that a thing that you do? Or is it, like, nope?
Yasmin Benoit
No, there wouldn't really be any point. It would just be hanging out for me.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, it'd be like going on friends date?
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, I mean, I'm not even sure what what would it what would make something a date as opposed to like hanging out? I think I've had that issue where I've accidentally going on dates thinking it's just hanging out like I'm not even sure what the distinction is, if there's no romantic feelings.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, if that's happened, like have you had to, then I guess disclose to people like oh, wait, hold on, this isn't what you think it is.
Yasmin Benoit
Well, me being oblivious. I just haven't noticed until like way later. So I just kind of like go through the whole experience thinking, that seemed almost datey, but obviously like he knows that wasn't what it was. So because if it was a date, I would know about it, right? You would disclose this first, but apparently not.
Hannah Witton
Do you have, this is maybe a completely ridiculous question, but in a way that some people will have like an orient, sexual orientation that is like gender specific if they're like gay or if they're bi, and then the same with like, if maybe you're you might be like bi romantic and asexual. But do you have an orientation when it comes to platonic relationships? Or is it just like all genders can be my friend? This sounds so ridiculous.
Yasmin Benoit
I mean some people do have like specific things. I mean, I don't like I don't think, I don't like set out to have a specific thing, but I tend to vibe more with guys. Like most of my friends are guys. Like, I don't know, I just have like, I don't know. This, even though I went to an all girls school, I kind of left it without much in the way of friends and then just, I don't know, sometimes I find it easier to befriend boys. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's my socialising style. I don't know. But I don't know, so that's kind of a I mean, I don't say it's a preference. I don't seek it out. But if I'm in a room of guys and girls, the chances are I'll leave there talking to guys and continuing to talk to guys.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I've never like thought about that before. Because like, I would never say I have a preference for friends, but most I would say most of my closer friends are women.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, look at that, I just thought about it just now and I'm like, is this ridiculous? I don't know. One thing I'm really interested to know from you, because so you're a model.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
And you do a lot of lingerie shoots, and maybe someone who is, is not ace would look at your photos and find them sexual or like this, you know, sexy photos. And like, is there a distinction for you there between not experiencing sexual attraction, but in some way, like wanting to be sexual, or expressing a part of your sexuality? Like, what do those two things together like mean to you?
Yasmin Benoit
Well, I mean, I've never really seen lingerie as being sexual. For me, I'm aware that it's sold for a reason and I'm aware that like, it's designed for a reason, but like, I know, for me clothes or clothes. I don't really, like if I'm modelling a bra or modelling a T shirt is psychologically the exact same thing for me. It's just interpreted differently.
Hannah Witton
I guess it can be quite shocking image in a headline of like, oh, like asexual woman, and then like, in like sexy lingerie.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, any headline I've had it's always been she's asexual, but she's a lingerie model, the shock. It's always been like, that kind of thing.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Yasmin Benoit
But yeah, I never really I don't even see it as like expressing sexuality. It's just it's literally just fabric to me, I don't really place any, any meaning on it. I'm aware that other people do and therefore it becomes more confusing, but it's like modelling lingerie, it's not a sexual experience. You just stand there. It's the same.
Hannah Witton
Almost I wish more people would see like nudity and lingerie as like, neutral and it being like, it has to be context specific. You know, like, in some situations wearing underwear is just like completely neutral. But then another situation it might like you might be doing it because you want to be sexual. This is this comes up a lot in I think conversations about asexuality with people who are just maybe learning about it for the first time or don't know a lot about it. But do asexual people watch porn? Do they masturbate? Obviously, you can't speak for all asexual people. But what's your general response when people ask these questions?
Yasmin Benoit
I mean, I've always found it's interesting, because like, the masturbation question is like, often, strangely often, one of the first questions I get from people, I don't even know. It's like, kind of like, I feel like it's the like the trans equivalent of have you had the surgery? The asexual equivalent is but do you masturbate? And is, and yeah, I mean, asexual, it doesn't mean that you don't have any kind of sexual feeling, it doesn't mean that your genitals don't work. It doesn't mean that you don't have hormones, or a libido, it just means it isn't directed at anybody.
Hannah Witton
Yes, so this is this is how I've tried to explain it, and I wasn't sure if I was explaining it correctly. But that's reassuring that that's how you've said it.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah. And similarly, I wrote an article about porn before and I got to like interview like a bunch of asexual people about it. And people were surprisingly interested in talking about it because a lot of people don't. but it isn't uncommon for asexual people to like read erotica, or write it, or watch stuff and like, it's just the actual participation or even picturing themselves in that situation that doesn't work. But it's just kind of like, I don't know, I'd compare it to if you want to like work out and get in the fitness mood and then you've just watched like, a marathon and then you're like, okay, okay, I'm in the zone now. It's kind of like that, as opposed to being like, God, I want to have sex with the people in this video, or I'm picturing myself in that situation.
Hannah Witton
I guess it's kind of separating sexual arousal and sexual desire.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
And drive, I guess. Like one is, oh, my body is reacting to stimulus and is getting aroused, and these sensations feel good. Versus, oh, and I want to do things with that person or with these people.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, I think a lot of people that really kind of consider like the nuances in difference between sex drive, and sexual arousal, and sexual attraction, and like these, those things, like don't necessarily like connect to each other that much.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, and I think, yeah, for a lot of people, when they, you know, in for them, all of those things line up, like, oh, I'm sexually attracted to the to, to this gender and watching that kind of porn makes me aroused, and that those are the people that I also want to romantically get involved with. Like, when all of those things line up, they're like, Wait, how does it work with it's, if it's slightly different?
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
That's so interesting that you said that, because I was like, literally having this conversation with somebody the other day and I was like, I think this is correct. I'm, I'm curious about how you feel about, like media representation of, of asexuality. Do you struggle to find characters in, in books and movies to relate to? Are they're just so many, like romantic plots and stories that you just like, can't relate? This would be solved, if everyone was asexual.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, I mean, it's, I know, it's a combination of things between, we just don't have much representation anyway. But fortunately, I'm not one of those people that needs to, like, I don't like to read or consume media that I like, relate to too much. I don't find that interesting, just to watch my life experience mirrored back to me. So I can still kind of like I can see characters that aren't asexual and aromantic and still think they have elements that I relate to, in some sense. So like other aspects of their lives or personalities. But then I think I know, but there are times where, I guess, because there are so few options, even if there is maybe an asexual character in something, which is rare, the chances of me relating to them based on that experience alone could be quite slim. Because they might be like, I know, well maybe they were romantic kind of asexual, and therefore that's still a huge part of the plot. And that's a big part of their experience, or maybe they're an asexual guy, or maybe they just have like a kind of a different perspective on things. And like, simply them being asexual, being aromantic doesn't kind of guarantee relating to them at all in the experiences because it can be such a diverse range of experiences. So I'm kind of used to not being able to relate to stuff, but fortunately, I don't need to relate to stuff to feel like valid within myself.
Hannah Witton
How did you like get to that point where you felt valid within yourself? Was there any or was there any point where you didn't? Or did you like learn the term asexual and you're like, fantastic, that is me, wonderful. Or was there like any coming to terms with it?
Yasmin Benoit
I mean, I've always been the kind of person who just doesn't really care about what other people think too much. I was always like a nonconformist kid. I was always like, the kind of the black kid in a white town who was like a little goth, so I never cared. Even if it meant I had like no friends, or like, people thought I was weird, I didn't care. So realising I was asexual wasn't like, oh, no, I'm gonna be different. What will people think? I was like, ah, this too, cool, whatever, that's not surprising.
Hannah Witton
I guess maybe there's something in if you're not invested in, like wanting other people's desire, then you're, then you're less likely to care about like, what other people think of you because I feel like for me, like, especially like as a teenager, and in my early 20s, like, wanting to be desired, because that was a part of like, my identity, which definitely, like really impact like how I behaved around people and yeah, I felt about myself.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, so I guess like, for me, it was just coincidental that I just happened to be the kind of person that didn't care about people liking me, which then kind of helped in the long run, because they realising I was different was not devastating, or even particularly life changing. It was like I already am and I'm cool with it. But then I think the main thing for me was just kind of there, you don't really learn about asexuality, and you kind of just hear about it online and you don't get to meet asexual people really, which is a weird experience when you're part of a community but you never physically see them. So for me, I was like, what if this isn't like actual orientation? What if this is just like an internet thing? And like, I mean I can't tell I have no proof. I've never seen anybody. So for a while, that was kind of like my thing of, but then when I actually started going, I had the chance to actually meet asexual people and see the community in real life, I was like, oh, thank God, this is just like a group of normal people and this is an orientation and not like a personality flaw.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Do you do you feel like included in like pride and like the LGBTQ plus community? Do you identify with that community?
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, I mean, I know that there are a lot of people in the community who probably wouldn't want me to, but I've never not done that, I started going to pride when I was like, 14 and that's where I saw the asexual flag for the first time, and that's where I met asexual people for the first time. And a lot of my work is within the community and I work with organisations and charities and events. So I feel like in real life, like I've never had anyone try and like say, I shouldn't be there. But online, people like to tell me that, but it doesn't really like I don't really feel any conflict, because it's like, I'm already there. I'm not waiting for my LGBT plus approval card to go through, like, I'm already in it. Like, I'm not straight. I've never lived a straight experience in my life. So I relate to these experiences. So yeah.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And you talk about like your work within, like, the charities and stuff. And you started a campaign called, This Is What Asexuality Looks Like. Like, how and how did you start that campaign? And why did you start it?
Yasmin Benoit
Well, I was like, I was writing a series for queer fashion, which I still write a series for them and I was kind of like, interviewing different asexual people and kind of talking about style and fashion and self expression and all that kind of stuff. And I just kind of wanted to like, I thought well with a title because it was #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike, it was kind of meant to be like a direct response to people saying you don't look asexual, because that's something that I got a lot. And I noticed people have a very specific idea about what asexual people were like, even though they don't know anything about it.
Hannah Witton
Want to is the general stereotype?
Yasmin Benoit
Well people think that if you're not sexually attracted to people, and you need to be sexually unattractive, otherwise, you're just giving off mixed signals. So you need to consciously make yourself as unappealing as possible, and kind of, I think people think that you're asexual because no one's attracted to you. So you need to be very plain and very boring and does not put any effort into your appearance. Otherwise, you're trying to make people like the way you look, and then it's contradictory or something. So I was just kind of trying to, and also, there's kind of like, obviously, because you don't see asexual people that much in the media itself, so there's more like whitewashing, and it's way easier for things to get stereotypical. And so I kind of just wanted to give the agency back to asexual people so we could like represent ourselves and have a hashtag that's specifically about showing yourself, not just showing like a picture, or like an emoji, or a cartoon, or an avatar, but actually, you -
Hannah Witton
Yeah, so if people like go to that hashtag, they'll just be able to see, like, loads of different ace people.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, like, you can literally see what asexual people from all over the world look like, by typing that in, which is, I think, is a helpful resource when you're trying to like, you know, actually see the community that you're a part of, because you probably won't get to see that many in real life. So it's, I think it's helpful.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And almost like what you were saying before about media representation, and, and even if there's like one asexual character in a show, like Sex Education, they, they threw in asexual character.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, we had a good four minutes, it was a funny four minutes.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, even if you have this one character, like you said, there are so many different facets to your identity and your personality, that you might not be able to relate to those characters. Whereas you know, if you've got like, all of these people using this hashtag and this massive community online, then you might be able to find more people who you're like, oh, I'm like them, I can see myself in this person.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah. Because I mean, I guess what it's kind of like this idea of, especially when it comes to like, lesser known sexualities, it's just like, I don't know, like a Tumblr thing for like, 13 year olds with pink hair. And like, when you can kind of go through like a whole hashtag, you can see like, there are people of all different backgrounds. It's not all just quirky white kids. And it's people of completely different ages and professions and I feel like it just kind of helps to, like, kind of see more than just the people that aren't necessarily most vocal on the internet, which can often be kids, and then kind of create the idea that it's just like a sexuality for kids that don't understand themselves yet.
Hannah Witton
I'm pretty sure though, I think I learned about asexuality from Tumblr.
Yasmin Benoit
I know. I mean Tumblr, it's a good resource, don't get me wrong, but then there's still like this, like stereotype that it's some kind of Tumblr identity or something.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, Tumblr can be a great educational tool, but it is yeah, it's definitely not where sexualities like were birthed.
Yasmin Benoit
Yes.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. What, in your opinion is like the biggest challenges that asexual and aromantic people are facing?
Yasmin Benoit
I mean, I think a general sense like as a community, I think our main issue is that we are like the most invisible orientation of all time. Considering that we are in the acronym, we are in LGBTQIA, and it would make sense to be like, hey, like some people like guys, some people like girls, some people, like both some people like non-binary people, and some people don't like anybody. And that should be like a very obvious thing to include, but people don't even know that's like an option in life, to feel like that. And I think our main issue is that we are completely left out of every conversation about sexuality, or romantic perspectives, or sex education, or policies, like there's, we're like a complete blind spot, I think. Our representation is very small, compared to every other orientation, I think.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And I think, kind of like what you're saying about conversations around sexuality and relationships as well. Often, if people are having troubles, like you said, there's, there's, I feel like people think there's this one size fits all, sometimes of like, oh, you know, you just, like need to find the right person, or, you know, the right shag or what you know, like, whatever it is, or, you know, when you find the one, you will feel whole, like that whole narrative as well.
Yasmin Benoit
And the only thing about that is that like, there are a lot of asexual people who have found the one, there are asexual people who are married, with children and are like very much in love. So it's like, we're gonna say that because they're not sexually attracted to each other, that their entire relationship like, that's not the one? That that isn't the right person because they don't want to have sex with them? Like it's a very, like, rigid idea of like, love, I think.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Do you, have you, because of your, like connection within that the asexual aromantic community and having met lots of people, have you seen any, like positive examples of ace people being in relationships with non-ace people? Or have you found that people tend to avoid that? And like if, say, if they're asexual, but they do have a romantic orientation, is it easier for them to date other ace people?
Yasmin Benoit
I mean, I've definitely I have definitely seen relationships where one person is asexual and another person isn't. I mean, you have to have very good communication in that situation and be like, because I mean, there are asexual people who don't mind having sex, if it's, you know, something that like their partner wants to do. And then there are also people that aren't asexual that just aren't that interested in having loads of sex. So then that doesn't ends up being an issue. Or sometimes there are polyamorous relationships where asexuality can slot right in, because they can have like, they can get the sex from one partner and then get the romantic relationship from another one. And, like, there are multiple ways in which like, that can work, as long as the communication is good and everyone's like, understanding are respectful of each other's boundaries.
Hannah Witton
And I guess also, there's so many different reasons why people have sex. And I think we just always think like, oh, if you're, if you're horny, like, you know, if you like, want to have sex, then that's the reason why you have sex, but a lot of people will do it because they want to feel like a certain type of love and connection with somebody, out of boredom, like there's yeah, there's so many different reasons. If you're like really honest with yourself, and like, why why did you have sex, the last time you had sex? Like what was the actual motivation? What can people do to support their ace friends, like an understand them?
Yasmin Benoit
I think well, main thing to do would be to listen and to be inclusive when you're talking about sexuality or relationships and stuff, because people tend to, like when people discuss sexuality as being kind of like a be all and end all and like, they have a kind of rigid idea of it, and they don't mean to be like exclusionary, but it kind of ends up being that way. I think it's important to just kind of like broaden that horizon, and like not place all that emphasis on it, and remember that there are a lot of people that are asexual, and you probably know somebody, and it's actually not that uncommon and not that strange. And if you have any kind of like, position of influence or a platform and like, invite asexual people on like, have that conversation. If you're have a Zine, or if you're like an influencer or you talk about sexuality, kind of like we're doing here then you might as well get a different perspective on it. Especially during like Pride Month and stuff, people tend to go for the L, the G, or the T, and they kind of forget everything that comes after that. Or that there are asexual people who are ahomo-romantic as we say and, or biromantic and actually overlap with those identities. Just minus a sexual attraction.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, and I think that's an important point to make about the intersections, even within like LGBTQIA plus identities. We have some questions from our Instagram followers, which I would love to ask you.
Yasmin Benoit
Cool.
Hannah Witton
Um, this person has asked, is liking the idea of sex, but not the act of it, a sign that you might be asexual?
Yasmin Benoit
And well, I mean, I think the idea of sex is great, just not for me. I mean, I, I definitely understand the appeal. It looks well, in most instances, super fun, and I get it. But then when it kind of, it's kind of like when you apply it to yourself, like if I apply the situation to myself, like if other people doing I'm like, cool, go for it, awesome. But then when I think about it for me, I'm like, oh, hmm, see, like, oh, not for me. So yeah, like, I think there's definitely a misconception that asexuality is kind of like being anti sex or necessarily being sex repulsed. I mean, some people are, but a lot of people do think sex is super cool, and like, and they think sexual expression is great. And they're, they're interested in it, but just not in like a personal way.
Hannah Witton
I think, I think you've described how I feel about BDSM. Where I'm like, that looks so cool, like, go you that looks amazing. Like, I'm really interested in this, but oh, yeah, no, not for me.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, that's that felt exactly like how I feel about that. So yeah, to answer that person's question, like, they might be, but obviously, we can't like we can't say for sure, cause we don't know this person.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah. But I mean, it's similar to how I would describe it, so I relate, and I'm asexual.
Hannah Witton
How, how do you feel about the promotion of sex as if it were required for overall wellness?
Yasmin Benoit
Oh, yeah, I'm not too, I'm not about that. Um, I've always found that to be like, every now and then you'll see articles pop up about how like crucial it is for like, your mental health and your and like, your physical health, and I'm like, are we acting like there aren't people that use sex in like super unhealthy ways, and it doesn't benefit them in the slightest. And then there's people that aren't having sex, who are very psychologically well, so I've always found that to be kind of, I don't know, sorry. I'm sure they probably conducted some research into it, but I feel like it's a bit picky, and it's definitely not like a good thing because it kind of asks like the medicalization of asexuality. Like there have been people and companies producing drugs to like cure asexuality, because they think that if they just pump up your libido, then you can fix this psychological disorder.
Hannah Witton
Just give them Viagra.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, like you have literally been like medicated, or professionals say there's something clinically wrong with you, when it isn't anything clinically wrong with them, they're just asexual, so it kind of connects to that whole idea of being essential for like your wellness.
Hannah Witton
That very much is kind of like what was happening with homosexuality like 50 to 100 years ago.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
And that how that was medicalized. And actually, that's interesting that you bring that up as well, because what it comes down to is people assuming that it's not natural. And we have this, like, huge assumption within like, humanity, that sex is like, it is nature, it's like human nature to, you know, reproduce and so like sex is a huge part of that. And, and yeah, and people are just like, Oh, well, if you don't want sex, then that's going against human nature in the same way that people thought that about, like homosexual people as well.
Yasmin Benoit
Yeah, I've never really understood like that. It's like we're at a point in society where there are a lot of things that are human nature, and a lot of things that aren't and we still pick and choose both, and people feel like innately geared to either, so that I feel like that whole argument is very invalid and 2020.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, let's just get let's just get rid of it. Here's another one. Does telling people that your ace/aro change people's perceptions of you?
Yasmin Benoit
I mean, I'm pretty sure it does. I mean, it you're kind of, I feel like I've kind of the thing of any kind of sexuality, or when you're kind of explaining any kind of physical or mental thing to people, it's going to change the way they think of you. I mean, it if it kind of depends on your relationship with that person, or what their take is, as to whether it's positive or negative, but it's I know, like, for me, in some aspects, it's been very positive because it's allowed me to, like, connect to so many more people and like, kind of work with them, and help to inspire and help others. So it's been positive in that sense. But then, of course, for some, it's just like, they just think is like super weird, and unnatural, and they don't like it and they and they just, they just don't react well. So yeah, it kind of varies depending on what kind of person you're talking to.
Hannah Witton
A couple of people have asked about family. So one person asked what was coming out to your family like? And then another person asked, how do you even explain this to a family member or friend?
Yasmin Benoit
I mean, you just got to say what it is. You just got to give the definition. And if they take it, they take it. I mean, for me, again it kind of depends on which person you're talking to, like, coming out to my mom, I didn't even need to do that. Because we live together and it would have been weirder for me to come home and say, hey I have a boyfriend. She'd be like, what? Like, at this point? Like I'd kind of establish you weren't into that, like I didn't even need to come out because she'd witnessed my behaviour my whole life, and it's kind of obvious. But then for other people that aren't around me so much, when you do say it, most people just kind of didn't really believe me. They said, oh, well, she's younger. Well, she's just focusing on education. She's just being well behaved. Maybe she's just being a good Catholic girl in a Catholic family. So it's, um, yeah, it kind of just depends on, on who I was speaking to. But at this point, I think everyone's kind of got the message. And funnily enough, a lot of people did not really believe that I was asexual until I did an interview with Metro, and it was printed in like the newspaper.
Hannah Witton
They were like oh, it's been printed in the newspaper, it's official.
Yasmin Benoit
And distributed all over the country, and then they were like, Oh, my gosh, you just came out. And I'm like, no, I cannot years ago, I told you this, you just didn't listen to. Now people believe it because it's like, some reason because it's in the newspaper, it's weird.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Before we wrap up, what is one thing, or two things like one for each that you wish people knew about asexuality and aromanticism?
Yasmin Benoit
For asexuality I wish people just know that it's, it's just a normal sexual orientation. Like it's not a reflection of your character, or of your life experiences, like just treat it like you would someone saying that they're gay, or that they're straight, or that they're bi, just take it for what it is. And for aromanticism, again, romantic orientations are a thing. It doesn't always line up the way you expected to, and that's not a personality flaw. And romantic love is not the only type of love. It's not the most valid kind of love, and it's not the be all and end all, would be my my point for that one.
Hannah Witton
I even feel like a lot of people who do experience romantic attraction needs to fully internalise that romantic love is not the be all and end all. I feel like we all need to learn that.
Yasmin Benoit
I think people could learn some stuff from asexual people in aromantic people and like realise that you can actually have a very fulfilling life, and be very psychologically happy without those things. Like I know our culture tells you that you can't, but you actually can.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And I think that's a great note to end on. Thank you so much, Jasmine, where can people find you online?
Yasmin Benoit
You can find me most of my social media is @theyasminbenoit. So T H E, Y A S M I N, B E N O I T. Yeah, on Twitter and Instagram.
Hannah Witton
Amazing. Well, thank you so much, again, for joining me. And thank you for listening. Goodbye.
Yasmin Benoit
Bye
Hannah Witton
Thank you so much for listening to Doing It. If you enjoyed it, I would really appreciate it if you left a rating and a review. You can find show notes at DoingItPodcast.co.uk and do go follow us on social media and I'll catch you in the next episode. Bye.
This was a global original podcast