The Messy Side of Masturbation with Poppy Lepora | Transcript
Find the episode shownotes here!
Poppy Lepora
We get quite a lot of feedback from people who have never had an orgasm before. And then they've bought a Satisfier Pro or a Lelo Sona, and they've had an orgasm for the first time. Obviously nothing is guaranteed, but that is feedback we hear quite a lot. So I think because they're so powerful, they're really good for just like ripping the orgasm out of you.
Hannah Witton
Welcome to Doing It with me, Hannah Witton, where we talk all things sex, relationships, dating, and our bodies.
Hello, welcome back to Doing It and welcome to our Masturbation May episode. Yes, that is right. May is Masturbation May and we are celebrating here at Doing Iy podcast with a very pleasurable chat with founder of independent online sex toy boutique Self & More and masturbation enthusiast, Poppy Lapora. In this episode, we talk about discovering self pleasure, lockdown masturbation habits with data. I love data about sex. And we chat about masturbation in relationships, and how there is still a bit of a stigma around it in that there's the assumption that if you're in a relationship, you shouldn't need to wank. A big theme of this episode is messy masturbation: trying to move away from the more commercialized image of solo sex and towards the real, dirty, filthy, horny reality of it. And with the state of things for sex educators, sex workers, and sex positive businesses online, I had to ask Poppy about what it's like running a business where Instagram is your main platform, and difficulties with their sex negative guidelines and policies. And of course, Poppy lent us her expertise for all of your questions about sex toys, and we give a whole bunch of recommendations.
As usual, you can find more info and links to everything we talked about including all of the sex toys mentioned in the shownotes over at doingitpodcast.co.uk. And please let us know what you think over on our Twitter or Instagram, which is @doingitpodcast. If you'd like to support the podcast and join a community of fellow sex nerds, you can join my patreon where you get ad free and early access to these episodes, amongst lots of other bonus content over at patreon.com/hannahwitton and without further ado, happy Masturbation May and here is the magnificent Poppy Lapora.
Hannah Witton
Hey, Poppy, welcome to the podcast. I'm so excited to chat with you.
Poppy Lepora
Hello. Thanks for having me. Excited to be here.
Hannah Witton
And I love your pink hair. Our listeners can't see that but pink hair is great.
Poppy Lepora
It's a bit of a, you know, in lockdown, not much else to do. Dye your hair pink.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, why not?
Poppy Lepora
My hairdresser follows me on Instagram. They're probably just like, "Poppy. Can. Can you not?"
Hannah Witton
I feel like I probably would have done something similar if I wasn't trying to grow up my hair to donate. So I gotta keep it a naturale color.
Poppy Lepora
Oh, that's good. Yeah, it's pretty long at the minute actually, isn't it?
Hannah Witton
It's getting there. Few more inches. Few more inches to go. Well, I'm really excited to chat with you. You own a online sex toy shop?
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, I do.
Hannah Witton
That is pretty fucking cool. Do you want to tell us a bit about -I'd love to hear like why you started Self & More and that whole journey?
Poppy Lepora
Sure. Yeah, so Self & More, online sex toy boutique based in the UK. We basically curate a selection of pleasure objects, tools, sex toys, things to make your sex life more pleasurable. Everything we stock is body safe. We don't categorize toys by gender, because pleasure doesn't have a gender and inanimate objects don't have genders.
Hannah Witton
I've seen some sex toys that are called like, the fireman, the tennis coach. And it like makes me want to vomit.
Poppy Lepora
I love that, like, "the fireman is coming to lay his pipe. Hose?"
Hannah Witton
Oh god. He's gonna slide down the pole.
Poppy Lepora
And that was always one thing I found really jarring shopping for toys on other websites, how they would categorize things by man, woman. And even further they would say like "gay sex". And I always thought, how can you categorize items into gay sex? How are those acts any different to the acts that people are having with people of different genders? Doesn't really make any sense. So yeah, everything is categorized by its function so you can make a choice about what you want your toy to do to your body rather than making a choice based on your pronouns. And the other thing that we really focus on is masturbation and self pleasure and wanking, because this is a big part of why I started Self & More is that toys were really instrumental to my journey with pleasure and figuring out how much kind of pleasure my body was capable of. I was having sex when, you know, as a teenager or whatever. And it was fun and it was pleasurable but I very rarely had an orgasm.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, very, very rarely. And I just kind of thought that was normal. I was like, I guess I guess I've just got a body that doesn't really do that. And then it was only when I started using toys and realizing just how many orgasms I could have that I realized how good sex could be. But when I was buying toys, the whole process of it still felt very focused around kind of partnered sex and performing for a partner as well. And very much through the male gaze. There were lots of kinds of scantily clad women in lacy lingerie holding a Rabbit vibrator. Which really just didn't match up to my experience of what toys were doing for me. They were a thing for me and then I got to use them with partners if I wanted to, as well. So it was very important for me with Self & More for it to be a place where self pleasure is normalized and encouraged and celebrated.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And what you're saying there really reminds me of the kind of narrative of "masturbation is good because it helps you learn about your body so you can tell somebody else about it". Which obviously is true. But when that's like the leading reason to wank, you know?
Poppy Lepora
Yeah. "Do it for someone else." Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Right. That's what it's kind of saying.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, yeah, and I think -
Hannah Witton
I kind of see it as a side effect. That's like a side benefit.
Poppy Lepora
Definitely, definitely. And I do - I always find this so interesting. But people, some people believe that masturbation is something you should only do when you're single. And that absolutely boggles my mind. Because to just assume that when you're with someone else that they then become 100%, solely responsible for your pleasure. That just seems like such an alien concept to me.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. But that's such a huge, like, pervasive myth. Like I see it constantly. Of like, ""h, like, you shouldn't masturbate in a relationship." Like a lot of people feel quite insecure about the idea of their partner masturbating when they're together or like watching porn, like on their own as well, like, I think, because we're, like, sold this idea of what like, fidelity looks like. People are feeling really insecure about it. And I don't want to undermine anyone's insecurities. But I'm also just like, you also deserve your own private sex life outside of your partnered sex.
Poppy Lepora
Oh my God. So true. That is so true. Yeah, it's almost seen as like an abuse of the trust by giving yourself pleasure, because your partner is expected to fill that role 100% for you. But in reality, the roles that masturbation plays aren't the same. They aren't the exact same as the roles that partnered sex plays. Yes, they're both for pleasure, the intimacy and connection you get for partnered sex, you get that with yourself, when you have sex with yourself, you know, they're two separate things that fill different functions in our lives.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, for sure. And it can also be like fun to talk about, although I had a lesson recently in like, actually, when you are masturbating or wanking that really is your private sex life. And you can choose how much or how little of that to share with your partner or friends, if you have those kinds of conversations with your mates. But I'm someone who loves to share. So I'd be like to my partner, like, "Just had an amazing wank. This happened. This was my fantasy." Like, do you know what I mean, like I - and then I would want that same amount of information from him. I'd be like, "When was the last time you had a wank? Tell me all about it." But he's just like, "Mm, mm, no." I - that didn't make him comfortable. And so I had to kind of like really check myself and be like, oh, actually, no, it is for him. And like, if he wants to give me any information about it, that is his prerogative. I'm here to listen, you know, if he's willing to share, but actually like, I shouldn't probe him for that information because it's his private sex life.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, that's so true. It is it's your it's your private decision. And I think you know, talking about it is amazing, and it does help normalize it, the more people that talk about it, the better but also, you know, how much detail you go into is completely up to you and no one can ever pressure you into sharing more than you want. My boyfriend always gets passed toys for people with penises, because obviously I don't have a penis. So I'm like, here you go, next time, I'll leave this in the bathroom for you so you can test this out.
Hannah Witton
"Try this one, try this one." That is actually quite handy because I do get sent a lot of sex toys and yeah, I can't use the ones that are for penises. So just like let me know how it goes.
Poppy Lepora
Give them like a score sheet to fill afterwards.
Hannah Witton
I'd like your feedback, please. Exactly. So it is currently May, which, if dear listener, you didn't know, is Masturbation May. There's a whole month for it. It's a whole thing.
Poppy Lepora
Amazing.
Hannah Witton
When did this start? Who created this? It must have been a sex toy company, surely.
Poppy Lepora
Absolutely. Has to be a sex toy company. Who else could come up with this.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. It's a sales marketing thing. But we're just gonna, we're just gonna take it and run with it. But you have done some research. A survey of people's wanking habits in lockdown. Is that right?
Poppy Lepora
I have Yes. So we figured that lockdown has been quite a transformation of masturbation habits.
Hannah Witton
Put it lightly.
Poppy Lepora
To put it lightly. Obviously, everyone has been forced to be at home, and where they might have sought out sexual partners to fulfill their needs, they've had to deal with them themselves and get a lot more comfortable. So we were really interested to find out how people's a) perceptions of masturbation and b) actually how they are masturbating has changed over this time. And unsurprisingly, we've found out that nearly half of people are masturbating more, which I don't think is a surprise.
Hannah Witton
Is the other half masturbating less or like the same amount?
Poppy Lepora
Mainly the same. There's about 15% of people who are masturbating less, which I think down to the comments looks like because they're living with partners, and they don't quite feel comfortable doing it while they're in the house. But yeah, most people stay the same or doing it more. And we found that actually, that's slightly more skewed towards people with vulvas. So we found 50% of people with vulvas are masturbating more compared to 39% of people with penises.
Hannah Witton
Ah.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah. Which I think is super interesting. And I think, you know, there's been so much conversation online over the past few years about masturbation, and that really seems to have like, amped up. Even just watching, you know, the Channel Four news, like they've been segments about masturbation and orgasm and pleasure and things like that. Things that we haven't really seen on the news before, which is pretty cool.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. When, like, if you can or can't have sex with somebody outside of your household is like, written into law. Then the news outlets start talking about sex.
Poppy Lepora
Exactly, exactly. Yeah, I mean, another thing we saw was that 34% of people are more open with their partners about masturbating. And again, I think that's because if you if you want to have a wank and your partner's at home, you kind of have to say to them, or have a danger wank, which is what I do.
Hannah Witton
I mean, asleep next to you is also another option.
Poppy Lepora
Ooh, do you know what, I'm not quite that bold. Also, I sleep like a log. So I'm always asleep first, so I don't really get that option.
Hannah Witton
Fair enough. There are ways around it. But yeah, that's so true of having to be like, I'm gonna have some me time.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, I think the bathroom has probably seen a lot more use for masturbating.
Hannah Witton
The shower.
Poppy Lepora
The shower, definitely. People have probably been having much longer showers.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. I'm quite lucky, because I always go to bed earlier than my partner. And he stays up quite late playing video games. So I'm like, cool. I've got my window to do whatever I want. This is me time. It's mostly spent reading. The occasional wank.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah. I know. You always think don't you, you're like, I've got all these plans for all these new toys. And then when it comes down to it, you just want to sit on your phone or read a book.
Hannah Witton
It's true. Yeah - you off the back of this, tell us about the Messy Masturbation campaign and all of that.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, so one, one thing that's kind of been in my mind and bothering me for a little while now is that masturbation has gone from this incredibly taboo, not spoken about thing, really dirty, to the kind of polar opposite over the past year where it's kind of been sanitized. And it's really clean. And it's about self-care.
Hannah Witton
Ooh, when you say "sanitized" that like grosses me out.
Poppy Lepora
Does it make you think of like, vaginal pH being altered?
Hannah Witton
It just makes me think of like, squeaky clean, and then I start getting that like sound effect in my head. Like, ee, and I don't want that when I'm wanking.
Poppy Lepora
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, it's been turned into this kind of self care thing. And the things that we always talk about now are the health benefits and the self-care side of it, which are totally important and a really big part of it. But in reality, the main reason that most people are wanking is because they're horny. And we're kind of restricted by - you know, sex positive businesses like mine, and like yours, you know, we're on social media channels like Instagram in particular, where we have to fit within the community guidelines. So the messages we're putting out there around masturbation always have to be kind of, to use the word again, kind of sanitized, and you have to kind of just show a -
Hannah Witton
I hate that word!
Poppy Lepora
Sanitized!
Hannah Witton
I've decided I hate that word.
Poppy Lepora
Okay, I won't say it anymore, that was the last time.
Hannah Witton
No, it's all right!
Poppy Lepora
Banned from the podcast. So yeah, you know, the images of masturbation you see on social media, like people posing with toys, you know, fully clothed, just like here's my pretty toy. Or just talking about like self care routine. But actually, there's this whole other side of it, which is messy, and naughty and raw. You know, it's the wet patch you leave on your bed. It's the like discarded pile of toys next to the bed. It's the towel that you squirted on. It's the double chin you've got when you're watching porn on your mobile phone, or -
Hannah Witton
Yeah, it's the like trying to navigate like holding your phone and also holding a toy and like not dropping it on yourself.
Poppy Lepora
Yes, and then having like lubey fingers and trying to go to the next video, or like just shoving your hands down your pants while your partner's in the other room on a Zoom call. It's just all of these different things. It's so like multifaceted. And I think it's a really important part of the conversation that we miss out a lot of the time because of where we are online. So we've partnered, we're doing a few cool collaborations during Masturbation May, the first of which is we are partnering with Lustery, which is a amazing, amazing porn company. It's a - it's a subscription. It's a paid for service.
Hannah Witton
Ooh, we love to pay for our porn.
Poppy Lepora
Ethical porn. And they're amazing because they have real couples who film real sex from their homes. So you know, it's lovely. It's not this like polished view of porn, where everything's kind of manufactured in a studio. You see all the real moments in between, you know, like people having water breaks.
Hannah Witton
I love a good water break.
Poppy Lepora
Who doesn't? I'm sorry, but everyone is having water breaks during sex, and we never get to see that, so. Just things like putting protection on, putting a condom on, bodies being hairy, just all like giggling there's so much giggling and joy. So we partnered with them, we gave a bunch of their couples a bunch of toys and they filmed special videos, where they first of all talk about masturbation up front. And then they're using the toys with each other, and they're showing each other how they get themselves off. And it's this celebration of like masturbation, and also mutual masturbation.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Poppy Lepora
Which is a part of sex, which I don't think gets talked about enough, because it's bloody wonderful.
Hannah Witton
I think it also doesn't have a good enough name. Oral sex is oral sex, right? It's got a good name, but when you're trying to describe like, we wanked each other off, or mutual masturbation, or like mutual hand stimulation, or like, fingering. Handjob. Like there isn't a really nice distinct word that means tossing each other off.
Poppy Lepora
Oh, it's so true. There's not a sexy word.
Hannah Witton
No, there isn't.
Poppy Lepora
Like, wanking each other off.
Hannah Witton
Mutual masturbation feels very formal.
Poppy Lepora
It's very business like, isn't it. it's like, "oh, got my three pm mutual masturbation."
Hannah Witton
And I think also there's a difference between wanking each other off and then also like being in the same space together, and you're both wanking yourself off and watching each other. So there's like different components to it as well.
Poppy Lepora
So yes, it's quite, quite confusing, really, isn't it? We need to we need to think of some new term.
Hannah Witton
Listeners, if you have any ideas, like let me know, because this is something that I think about all the time, because it's one of my favorite sex acts, and probably most frequent as well. Like, it's probably the thing I do the most. And I don't have a good name for it.
Poppy Lepora
It's so hot as well, isn't it? And you're just in total control, but you're also quite exposed and your partner's quite exposed. And it's just a very sexy thing.
Hannah Witton
Very sexy thing.
Poppy Lepora
It's a very sexy thing. So that is part one of Masturbation May campaign. So yeah, please, please go and check out those videos. They're very sexy.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I'm gonna have to have a look.
Poppy Lepora
And the other thing that we're doing, which I'm really excited about is we're partnering with the London Vagabond. If you haven't heard of them, they are parents, fetishists, photographers, kinksters And basically they shoot all of their work on film. And, yeah, it's - their work is so great. Normally they're showing you kind of behind the curtain of different kink scenes and fetishes. So you know, they do a lot of work at like, Club Verboten, which is a kink party. But they also work with lots of kink models and fetishists, but it's just like a very raw and real look at something that a lot of people don't normally get to see. And because it's all shot in film, you know, it's, it's realistic. It's not kind of edited and perfected. It's like a real view. So we're working together on a zine all about masturbation.
Hannah Witton
Ah, cool!
Poppy Lepora
So we've got all of these wonderful people have basically wanked for us. And they've taken pictures, and this zine is gonna be packed full of pictures of real people masturbating and the way they actually masturbate.
Hannah Witton
Oh, I love that.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, like a fly on the wall kind of view, like the actual toys that people are using, the actual positions they're in, the way they actually move their hands on their genitals, you know, just like things you don't normally get to see.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. There's really not that many places where I have been able to like access that kind of content. Like there's OMG Yes. Where - which was the first thing I've ever seen like that as well, where like, you've got people going, "This is how I like to masturbate. And then I move my fingers like this. And then I do it like this" Which is just amazing. And then when I think about like, TV and movies, we've had a bit more like in like, Sex Education stuff, there's like a wanking montage with Amy. But you still you're not really seeing anything. And it is played for humor. Right. But yeah, I'm so excited to see how that comes out. Because yeah, I don't feel like you see, we see enough of that, like realistic depictions of like, like you said, the messy side of it.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, the messy side of it. Like, what do people's fingers actually look like in their genitals? Like, what face are you pulling when you orgasm?
Hannah Witton
Oh, yeah, I've no idea. I don't know. Do I want to know?
Poppy Lepora
I mean, that is another good question. I'm going to be shot for this, for the zine as well, I'm not sure yet and I'm excited. But I'm also a little bit terrified. Like, will I ever orgasm again, if my come face is ugly?
Hannah Witton
But I think like, there's no such thing as an ugly come face. Do you know what I mean, I just don't think it's possible.
Poppy Lepora
I don't think it's possible too. That's the thing, like, during sex, you're just so into either yourself or the person that you're with that all of - it doesn't matter. You don't have to try and be composed, like letting, letting it all go is what is really sexy, isn't it?
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And my favourite thing is the fact that like, when you're really aroused, your like threshold for disgust, like, goes up. So basically, things that when you're not aroused, that you would be like, ew, gross. When you're aroused, like you find less things gross. And I just love that.
Poppy Lepora
That's so true. Like bodily fluids.
Hannah Witton
It's just so many things that like, if someone said, "Hey, do you want to do this thing" when you're completely not aroused? I was about to say when you're sober? But maybe it's kind of the same?
Poppy Lepora
Sex sober?
Hannah Witton
Right? And you're like, "no, I would never do that". And then when you're like, in the throes of passion, and you're like, so horny, and someone's like, do you fancy doing this, you're like, "yeah!"
Poppy Lepora
You're like, "Put your whole fist in me now."
Hannah Witton
Yeah, it really, really does go to some interesting places, when you find less things disgusting. That's one of my favorite things about sex is that it's like, you've got this spectrum from, like, really sexy and arousing to disgust. And it just like, you're always like, moving somewhere along that line.
Poppy Lepora
That's so true. And even just like watching porn, you know, when you go down a hole, and you end up like 10 videos deep, and then you're watching something you never thought you'd ever watch. And you're like, "Actually, maybe I am turned on by feet."
Hannah Witton
It's all context. It's all context.
Poppy Lepora
It really is.
Hannah Witton
You briefly mentioned this and I'm really curious to hear your thoughts on it, but like, how is it running a sex toy boutique and a sex positive business through platforms like Instagram?
Poppy Lepora
It's tricky. It's tricky, because it's such a love hate relationship. Because to be honest, Instagram is kind of the platform that that made us. It's a huge part of our success. We've got a really great community on there. And it's so wonderful to be able to engage with people every day who have these same interests and want to talk about sex positivity and masturbation. But on the other side of it, you're always having to hedge your bets and worry about what you're saying, like will this get me deleted? Is this one step too far? And the thing that I find really conflicting is the fact that we're trying to get rid of the shame and the stigma that surrounds sex yet we're having to sense of words like, like the word sex, for example, everyone who's a sex ed, or a sex brand, or a sex person, worker, sex worker on Instagram, we're all scared of using those terms, so we're censoring them, but then what kind of message does that send, if you're like, well, you can't actually say sex because sex is a naughty word?
Hannah Witton
I know, right?
Poppy Lepora
Yeah. I hate that about it. I hate that about it. But I can't - I think Instagram has been just a really wonderful tool for connecting with people and like the messages that we get from people on there as well. Just - because you forget when you're in this industry yourself, you forget that lots of people don't have friends to talk about sex stuff with.
Hannah Witton
I know sometimes, I feel like I'm in this sex positive bubble. And I forget, like, what it's like outside of that. I'm like, it's totally normal to talk about like your deepest, darkest fantasies with your friends. That's normal right?
Poppy Lepora
Exactly. Or like the just something as simple as like the new toy you've bought, like, you know, it's so obvious that we tell someone if we found a toy that was amazing, but lots of people don't have those kinds of groups where they where they can. So it's it's really nice that they see us as like not just a company, but like, I guess, a person that they can talk to about these things where they haven't got another outlet.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Have you ever had any posts removed by Instagram?
Poppy Lepora
We've had a few posts removed. Yeah, we've had a few.
Hannah Witton
Which were the culprits?
Poppy Lepora
This really, really sad thing is the main things that get deleted are the posts which showcase people with bodies that are fat, and black. And I hate to say it, but it's true Instagram is prejudiced against those kinds of bodies. So where we've reposted over content creators, those are the kind of posts that have been flagged and taken down. And not any kind of like extreme nudity or anything like that. Just kind of like tasteful artistic pictures.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Poppy Lepora
The other thing that's Instagram always deletes is anything that has a strap-on in.
Hannah Witton
Oh?
Poppy Lepora
Yeah. Which I kind of get a little bit more. But I've tried to be very sneaky around it. I've like put on a full floral jumpsuit, which covers me head to toe, put on a strap-on on top of that, with like a really non-anatomical green like dildo that doesn't look like a dick. And Instagram has still been like, nope.
Hannah Witton
Why did you - what is it about strap-ons that you think the algorithms just goes nah?
Poppy Lepora
Well, the posts, which we have done have been videos, and they've been talking about how to make strap-on sex more pleasurable if you're a person who has a vulva. So it's been about like putting a little vibrator inside the pocket or whatever. So, you know, maybe it's that Instagram doesn't like it when you talk about female pleasure? Or perhaps it's because the strap-on is just a very inherently sexual object to Instagram. I don't know, maybe it's that people are reporting those. Because the other thing is, it's mainly been videos and Reels, which have deleted in that context. You know, if you're familiar with the kind of Instagram algorithm, Reels is something they're trying to push, so they'll show your content to people who don't already follow you, they'll show you -
Hannah Witton
So you think that there'll be more people seeing that who are like, "what the fuck?"
Poppy Lepora
Yes, people outside of our little sex positive bubble. It's going out to the wider world.
Hannah Witton
Because I always wonder that about when things get taken down.I'm like, is it because somebody who is fatphobic, racist sex negative is flagging this because they don't want to see it? Or is it like an auto takedown from Instagram?
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, I've got no idea. I don't think you can ever know which one it is for you. I think sometimes, the only thing that's suggested it before is the speed with which it's taken down. If something's up for a few days, and then gets deleted, I'm going to assume it's because someone's reported it because it must have already gone through Instagram’s checks.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's true. It just - it sucks, because there are just like, so little platforms out there that you are able to have these kinds of conversations online. And it feels often like we're just being squeezed and squeezed and squeezed. And obviously, like sex workers feel it the hardest.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
And it always seeps into kind of like sex educators and sex positive businesses as well.
Poppy Lepora
Definitely. And you hear these that, you know, people say like, "Well, why don't you just move to a different platform then?" But the reason we're on these platforms is because everyone is on these platforms.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, like you need customers.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, you need customers. If you're going to migrate says like, what, like a small niche like sex positive online community, chances are everyone out on there already knows everything about toys. Like the reason Instagram is so great is because you can reach people who wouldn't normally be exposed to this kind of content and find new people to talk to. So when you're forced into a little corner of just hanging out with your sex posi friends, like that's lovely for your life, but not for business.
Hannah Witton
What is your personal favourite toy? I'm always curious. Do you have one or do you - you can't pick one?
Poppy Lepora
I do have one at the minute, actually.
Hannah Witton
You have one.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, I mean -
Hannah Witton
It rotates?
Poppy Lepora
It does rotate. It does rotate. Depends what mood I'm in. But consistently since I tried a clitoral suction toy for the first time I've just been a convert. So what, that was about two years ago, two and a half years ago, and my favourite has always been one of those since then, and it's changed a few times but it started as the Lelo Sona and then I decided that was actually a bit a bit too aggressive on my sensitive body. So I changed to the We-Vibe Melt, which is a - if you don't know what a clit sucker is, by the way, at home, it's a air pressure toy that pushes air in and out really rapidly. It creates a suction seal with the nozzle on your body and the air just kind of taps against your clit and it's amazing.
Hannah Witton
I love those toys.
Poppy Lepora
They're so good.
Hannah Witton
So good.
Poppy Lepora
They're just so good. And because- because they're not kind of creating friction because they're not vibrating back and forth against your body, lots of people tend to find that they can go back for multiple orgasms rather than feeling a little bit sensitive and worn out. Which is a really great selling point.
Hannah Witton
I do find that they are way better for solo sex than they are for partnered sex. Like, I don't think they work very well in partnered sex because you have to basically like, find the clitoris, pop it on, and then just leave it there. And if you're the person controlling the toy, then you know where that is, and you can feel if it moves slightly, and then you can just like readjust. Whereas if somebody else is controlling it, they're not going to be able to feel if it slightly moves, and then you're, you're constantly having to be like, oh, wait just a little bit to the left, like, oh, wait, no, move it down, you know?
Poppy Lepora
Yes, that's so true. And you know when it comes to suction toys, I just don't let anyone else have control. I'm just like, this is my job, you used your hands somewhere else. And the We-Vibe Melt is actually really good for that. It's the only suction toy that I know of that's actually been designed for partnered sex because it's got a really slim body and the nozzle is also really thin. So I think there's less surface area that has to create that suction seal so it's kind of easier to keep in place, I find. That is particularly good if you're having sex with someone with a penis in doggy. Hot tip for you.
Hannah Witton
Okay, now I'm curious. I'm like gonna have to try that.
Poppy Lepora
I haven't even told you my favourite at the minute though. I'm just gonna go for a wonderful journey of suction toys. My favorite at the minute is the Lora DiCarlo Baci or Baki - baci. I don't know how you say it.
Hannah Witton
I've tried a couple - I think I've one Lora DiCarlo but I don't have this suction one. Interesting.
Poppy Lepora
It's so good. It's really - it's really kind of throbby, I would describe it.
Hannah Witton
Throbby. I love that.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, there's like a really like a thrum, like a really bass-y kind of feel. It's just really good like it's just really good, highly recommend it.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. My favourite section toy at the moment is the other Lelo one, the Sila, and full disclaimer, I did do some sponsored content with them, but it's - I keep coming back to it. It's my current fave.
Poppy Lepora
Oh, and what do you prefer about that one than the Sona?
Hannah Witton
I didn't really agree with the Sona, like I tried the Sona at least I think I did, the Sona Cruise I think. There was - I just couldn't get it to like, lock on properly. And also I found that it was like, really loud.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, it is loud that one.
Hannah Witton
So it just wasn't as big of a fan of that one. But the Sila, like for me personally, it has like the best like, different settings, basically and the journey that you go on with the settings. Normally I'm like, I find the setting that I want and I just only go there. But with this toy, honestly, like it builds in a way that like, it has like a narrative arc, like it's telling a story with your clitoris.
Poppy Lepora
You should, you should work in sex toy marketing.
Hannah Witton
I mean, sex toy companies do pay me to talk about their sex toys sometimes, so.
Poppy Lepora
So true. You already do. What am I even talking about?
Hannah Witton
There you go, there's me selling you a toy. But is it as one of my faves at the moment. I do love it. But again, mostly just for for the solo sex.
Right. I've got some questions from people on Instagram. They're also very curious about sex toys. This one came up a fair bit. People are looking for their first beginner sex toy.
Poppy Lepora
Ooh, yes. This is always, always a big question. And there's no specific right answer. There's no one toy that's gonna work for everyone. But I think when you're picking your first toy, you know, the most important thing is to try and replicate some kind of stimulation you already like when you're using your hands or you're with a partner. I think for that first toy pick, rather than going for something mad with loads of bells and whistles, that - you know, if you've never had a G spot orgasm and you're buying your first toy, I wouldn't buy a G spot toy. I'd buy a clit toy if that's how you usually get off and then maybe for your second toy, diversify, and then add the G spot toy to your collection. I think the best tip is to buy something that you like the look of as well because if you buy a toy because you think it's what's right but you don't really like how it looks, you're not going to use it because you're not going to find it sexy. You just gonna shove it away so find something you actually want to pick up and play with.
Hannah Witton
I love that. I've never heard anyone to give that advice before but it seems so obvious like picture you like what it looks like.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, like if you're feeling a little bit intimidated, probably don't buy like a eight inch penis shaped toy like buy something cute and palm sized. Obviously function is the most important thing but, you know, buy something you want to have sex with.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, yeah. I love that. Because it can be really overwhelming as well like the amount that is out there.
Poppy Lepora
There's so much out there, isn't there?
Hannah Witton
Yeah, if someone is more of a like clitoris kind of person when it comes to stimulation, would you recommend them get like a bullet vibrator or one of these like suction toys that we've been talking about? The bullet vibrators are generally cheaper as well. And you can still get like good quality ones that are cheaper. So if you - I guess it also depends on your budget.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, totally. I think you know, you can't really go wrong with a small kind of bullet sized vibrator, like my favourite mini vibrator at the minute is the Knude Society Gwen, which is -
Hannah Witton
Ooh, hello Gwen.
Poppy Lepora
Which is a kind of - I'm just holding my fingers up to see how many inches it is. I think it's about three inches long. And it's kind of fits in your palm. And it's really unintimidating, it looks like a kind of gentle leaf kind of shape. And I think it's a bit more interesting than a bullet vibrator just because you have different shapes to play with. It's kind of like curved and it's flat. So you can discover whether you like the kind of broad sensation of holding the flat body against your clitoris, or wherever you want to take that end and feel like the pinpoint kind of stimulation against your clt. And that toy, I think is £45. So it's, it's not too expensive. It's not going to break the bank too much. But it's really versatile, and it will last for a really long time. Otherwise, yeah, like a bullet is a perfectly fine first choice. I just don't find that bullets are as good during partnered sex because they kind of like can numb your hand a little bit and they're quite tricky to hold in the right place.
Hannah Witton
Yeah!
Poppy Lepora
So if you're looking for something that's quite versatile, I think something like the Gwen is better because it's a bit easier to keep hold of.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Oh, that's - yeah, because I have my trusty bullet that is the main one that I use in partner sex actually, just because it is so fucking powerful. And I find that anything that's like one of the suction toys, because there's so many sensations happening elsewhere, I need something that like is going to like throb, like really just like jam it like really, like it has to actually like be really powerful for me to like feel anything just because there's sensations going on all over the place. But you're right, because it's so powerful then, it's like the tingling in your hand and in your arm as well. Because it just like travels.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah. Yeah, but yeah, if you're unsure start with a bullet. Try something like the Knude Society Gwen maybe as your next toy. Suction toys are amazing. They feel - they feel slightly more like oral sex, I suppose, though, not exactly like it, it's a different sensation. I think one thing that we hear in particular is people come for the first time using a suction toy, like, we get quite a lot of feedback from people who have never had an orgasm before. And then they've bought a Satisfier Pro, or a Lelo Sona, and they've had an orgasm for the first time. Obviously nothing is guaranteed. But that is feedback we hear quite a lot. So I think because they're so powerful, they're really good for just like ripping the orgasm out of you.
Hannah Witton
What about for somebody with a penis, if they are interested in getting a sex toy? A first - their first sex toy.
Poppy Lepora
So sex toys for people with penises have come a long way. And there's so much variety out there now. My favorite beginners toy is the Tenga Spinner.
Hannah Witton
Ooh, which one's that?
Poppy Lepora
It's the one that has - it's like, okay, so it's made up the squidgy material that you associate with a stroker, with like a masturbation sleeve, but it has a metal coil like encased in it. So when you pull it up and down over your dick, it spins, it twists. It goes like *spinning noise* So it's like this added sensation. Inside the sleeve it has a texture so ridges or bumps or geometric squares. And yeah, as you pull it up and down, it twists, it shimmies and shakes on your dick.
Hannah Witton
Is that a reusable one?
Poppy Lepora
It is a reusable one. Yes. It comes with a little kind of stand in it so you can let the water drain out of it. You know as with these toys, because the material is porous so they don't last forever. And you have to take really good care of them. If you're using a penis toy like a masturbation sleeve, you need to rinse it out and you need to let it dry properly before you store it. And if it starts looking a bit funky, it's time to get rid of it.
Hannah Witton
My favourite is the Tenga eggs.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah!
Hannah Witton
But obviously they aren't reusable. They're like - they're a one shot.
Poppy Lepora
They are.
Hannah Witton
But I just do find them so cute because you could get them in a little egg basket and you can get six of them.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah. I know. I love that. And they come in so many designs as well. There's a really cute one called lovers that has hearts in it, which is really cute.
Hannah Witton
And yeah, I do love the the Tenga products for penises. If you've got a bit more in your budget, the Tenga - what it is called? It's the one that I, I'm always referencing It's like an alien obstacle course for your dick.
Poppy Lepora
Is it the Flip Orb?
Hannah Witton
Yeah. The one that like opens. The Flip Hole Zero. I think it's called.
Poppy Lepora
The Flip Hole. Yes. Okay.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. One of those. They are quite pricey. I think it's like £200 quid or something. But there are a lot of fun. And there's they have like one without a motor and one that does have a motor so it like, vibrates as well.
Poppy Lepora
Treat yourself!
Hannah Witton
That's maybe not a first toy for a penis.
Poppy Lepora
That's like, you know that you like the sensation of something stroking your dick and you invest. I love the Tenga toys, because their branding is so you know, it's so modern. It's really, it's like Japanese in design. And it's gender kind of neutral. There's no - lots of the others, kind of masturbation sleeves have kind of orifices on, don't they, you get lots of like, bum holes and pussies and mouths. But these are all nice design features. Like you look at it and you admire it.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I went to a Tenga event once where they had like, the casing of one of their products, but they turned it into lights.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, I think I was there as well!
Hannah Witton
It was like the last event went to before lockdown last year.
Poppy Lepora
Same!
Hannah Witton
Oh my god. Yeah, we would have both been there then. Yeah, and I just love it, it was so like, decorative. And I was like, love a good sex toy that you can like have as an ornament.
Poppy Lepora
Yes, a multipurpose toy.
Hannah Witton
Somebody asked, well, they said, "I've never masturbated. Where do I start?"
Poppy Lepora
Oh, well, lucky you because you've got a whole world of fun to discover. I think you just start by just being curious and inquisitive with your body, there's no, there's no right way to do this. It's, it's about, you know, taking your hands and exploring your body and just figuring out what feels good. And not putting any pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or to have an orgasm or anything like that. And just take it really slowly, you know, if you're worried about it, you know, that is going to take you out of the mood. So you need to kind of get rid of any like restrictions you're placing on yourself and just kind of go with the flow. So a good place to start is literally to just take your hands and run them along your body, like along your legs and your thighs and your torso, your nipples, and then slowly move down to your genitals and just start stroking and see what feels good. And you don't need any like toys or anything like that to begin with. Your hands are perfectly fine. I would recommend getting some lube though, regardless of what anatomy you have, because lube is going to make everything so much slicker, and it's going to make your touches just so much smoother, and so much easier. And it just helps to get your own natural juices flowing. Or if you've got a penis, you know, it just helps the touches to flow over your penis much smoother. So yeah, that's my advice.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. And again, like approaching it with that curiosity. Like if you want, like, there's porn, there's erotica occur. If you might need some, like inspiration for your session.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, totally, totally. And I think everyone does it differently. And everyone watches different things or thinks about different things. Some people just focus on the sensation, other people need to look at some form of erotica to get turned on in the first place. And both of those are fine. You just got to spend some time figuring out what works for you.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I love that. There's no right way or wrong way to masturbate.
Poppy Lepora
There really isn't. And you know what, if you're really really really unsure, you can go on to porn websites, you could go onto the internet and you can find videos of people masturbating.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Or if you have a vulva, then OMG Yes actually would be a great resource because there's like a whole bunch of different people with vulvas like talking about the different techniques that they use, and how they go into it. And it's a bit more like, instructive as well, if you're looking for that kind of advice. That could work.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, definitely.
Hannah Witton
Um, somebody asked advice on not feeling pressured to orgasm during masturbation.
Poppy Lepora
Ooh, during masturbation as well. Well, I think you have to remember that you're in control of this session, you get to dictate what is the success and if you can reframe your mind to just thinking of pleasure as success rather than orgasm, that should help that should go a lot of the way. Because you know, an orgasm is nice, everyone would like to have an orgasm if they can, but it's not the end of the world if you don't, and what's gonna change? Nothing really, just try again tomorrow if you want.
Hannah Witton
This has been a big thing for me in terms of like letting go of like orgasm as the goal because I've definitely had like, some masturbation sessions where it's been really fun. I've really enjoyed it. I haven't come yet. And I know that I could probably get there, but it would just take like, a bit of extra work, right. And I wasn't really in the mood to put in that extra effort. And I was just, I felt done. And there was like, I remember this, like just having this like, internal battle with myself of like, "it's not a real wank unless you've, you've had an orgasm" right? But then also just being like, but if I like force myself to put in that extra work to get to the orgasm, I'm not actually going to enjoy that process, because it's gonna feel like a chore. And then that completely defeats the point of it being this like, pleasurable experience for myself. And, yeah, I've had that internal battle, like quite a few times. And I remember the last time it happened, I was just like, no, I'm just gonna stop. And do you know what? The world didn't end. I was fine.
Poppy Lepora
Exactly. Yeah, that is, that's so true. And you know, sometimes I don't know about you, but I have an orgasm and the orgasm wasn't even that good anyway and the journey's actually better.
Hannah Witton
Sometimes when you are trying to force it a bit, then when you do get there, it's like, ah! hmm. and you're like, aw damn it.
Poppy Lepora
Yes, definitely. I always find there's a difference as well between the wanks where I'm actually already turned on, and then I start wanking. Those orgasms are often much better than the wanks I just have for the sake of it.
Hannah Witton
Those orgasms come too quick for me. If I - if I'm already turned on and then I start wanking, I'm a gonna.
Poppy Lepora
That's it, you're done. You'd rather just stay in that heightened state of arousal instead.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, right? And that heightened state of arousal is like it's really nice even if it is frustrating, but then the moment I like, touch my clit I'm gone.
Poppy Lepora
Like one little pinky finger on the clit. Oh!
Hannah Witton
No, honestly, especially cuz though you do feel that that like, oh, I'm a bit horny. Okay, I'll start torturing myself and like, go. But then there's the difference between like, "I've just been sat in bed for half an hour reading some erotica and not touching myself" and that state? Oof. .
Poppy Lepora
Yep. Exactly. Couldn't agree more.
Hannah Witton
Ticking time bomb at that point. I love this question from somebody that basically doing my job for me with a solid interview question. Describe your personal pleasure in three words.
Poppy Lepora
Oh, three words. Oh my god. Okay.
Hannah Witton
The pressure is on now.
Poppy Lepora
My personal pleasure. Playful.
Hannah Witton
Ah, I love that. I think people are scared of using the word playful when it comes to sex because we associate it with childhood, but it's just like, no adults can be playful too.
Poppy Lepora
Yeah, totally. I think that's where that's where the magic happens, isn't it? When you can just kind of let go a little bit. Um, filthy.
Hannah Witton
Oh, I like that.
Poppy Lepora
And necessary.
Hannah Witton
I love that. I feel like those three together really give you a nice full picture of your pleasure experience. I love that.
Poppy Lepora
Thank you.
Hannah Witton
Um, thank you so much. This has been so much fun talking to you. I feel like I've not had a proper good conversation about wanking in a while. So I feel like I needed this.
Poppy Lepora
Good. I'm glad it's always good to talk about ranking, isn't it?
Hannah Witton
It really is.
Poppy Lepora
I don't get a chance to do it enough.
Hannah Witton
Where can people find you online? Where can people find Self and More? And then obviously, those other, the Messy Masturbation projects as well give them a plug again?
Poppy Lepora
Oh, yes, sure. Okay, so you can follow me on Instagram @poppyscarlet_, you can follow Self and More @selfandmore. The website www.selfandmore.co. uk or.com. f you are international. The Xen will be released on our website and also on the London Vagabonds website. So go check them out. And Lustery, we will be announcing that on our social channels as well. And you can go check them out on their website and see some good, good old fashioned ethical porn.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Oh, I'm so excited to check out all of those things. I think it's, it's gonna be so cool. Thank you so much. This has been so lovely.
Poppy Lepora
Thank you very much. I've had a great time.
Hannah Witton
Great. Thank you for listening. Bye.
Hannah Witton
Thank you so much for listening to Doing It. If you enjoyed it, I would really appreciate it if you left a rating and a review. You can find show notes at doingitpodcast.co.uk and do go follow us on social media and I'll catch you in the next episode. Bye.
Hannah Witton
This was a Global original podcast.