Do I Want to be an Intimacy Coordinator?, Solo Sex in Lockdown & Getting Married - End of Season 3 Q&A | Transcript
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Hannah Witton
I'm having an epiphany people. You're listening to a true extrovert doing a solo podcast episode because, aren't extroverts known for like speaking their thoughts out loud, like literally as they're having their thoughts, that's what you're listening to. Oh my goodness. Welcome to Doing It with me, Hannah Witton, where we talk all things sex, relationships, dating and our bodies. Hi, everyone. Welcome back to Doing It. I hope that you've enjoyed this season. This is going to be the last episode before we come back in January. So I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas and New Year, whatever that is going to look like for you. So this episode is going to be just me. We're going to be doing a Q&A and I asked for questions from my patrons, who kindly support this podcast, thank you so much. And I also asked for some questions on Instagram. So we will be getting down to it. As usual, you can find more information and links to everything that I mentioned in this episode in our show notes over at DoingItPodcast.co.uk. And please let me know what you think over on our Twitter or Instagram @DoingItPodcast. Thank you so much for listening, and all of your support over the podcast this season, this year in lockdown. I really appreciate it. And if you could check us out on Patreon, that would also be great. It's patreon.com/HannahWitton and why not leave us a review on iTunes as well. That would be really lovely. Thank you. Okay, so now on to the questions. And my organised mind obviously had to categorise these questions. So we've got a whole bunch of questions about the podcast, and podcasting, and guests and things like that. And then we've got general sex and relationships, questions. And then a couple of career sex educator things. Questions. So let's just crack on with podcasting.
Hannah Witton
COVID has meant recording interviews remotely with people around the world. Will you continue this when we return to normal? Or do you prefer the face to face interviews? I kind of have been thinking about this a little bit. I love doing face to face interviews, I love just being in person with people. I love the before and after of just chatting. And I love being able to get pictures. And that social media content with the people that I'm interviewing, I can just do it there and then with them. And I think it also makes that Instagram feed look a bit nicer. But the thing that I do love about the online interviews and the remote interviews is that I am not restricted by location, I can interview people in all different parts of the world. And I don't have to travel there, which is great. And the other thing I really like about the remote interviews is that it takes less of my time because I'm not having to trek around London. And, you know, podcast recording starts at 2pm, I'm ready by 10 to two. I'm not like okay, I need to get on the tube, and it's gonna take me this long to get there, and all of this stuff, so it's more efficient, but it's less personable. And so when things go back to normal, I don't know, I think I probably would want to do some in person when I can, like if they live in London, but I might still do some remote ones if they're not in London.
Hannah Witton
Which episode/guests did you find the most informative? Oh, well, the most recent episodes are obviously front of my mind. And the one I think of is with Anand Patel, where we talked about men's sexual health, we talked about penises, just because like that is an area that I really don't cover. I don't have a penis. And whilst my content can be listened to, watched by anyone, and I think like lots of different people would be able to take something from it, because of my experiences and because of the majority of my audience, like I do tend to focus on women. I do tend to focus on people with vulva'sand yeah, so I definitely learned a lot in that episode because I was like, Oh, this is the body part I do not have, how does it work?
Hannah Witton
Have there been any guests that you wish you could have met in person for the podcast? Ugh, so many. Basically all of the people who I haven't already met in person. So maybe a lot of the Americans, although actually no, there's definitely some people who live in the UK who I haven't met in person who I interviewed for this season. I would love to meet Dr. Karen Gurney, I'd love to meet in person, Kimberly Foster, Cameron Glover. So many.
Hannah Witton
Which episode are you most proud of? And why? Oh, what a great question. I don't know. Erm, I'm really proud of the episode we did at the beginning of the season with Yasmin Ben Wah about a romanticism and asexuality. It's a topic that I hadn't covered yet, and been wanting to cover for ages. And Yasmin was just so brilliant and I think that conversation came out really well and I think we covered so much. Another one that I'm really proud of is the one with Lisa Hallgarten, from Brooke, where we talked about the new relationships and sex education curriculum, and the UK Government guidance. And I just think that one was really informative. And it was something that I felt was really important to cover, as our education system and the guidance around that was changing.
Hannah Witton
Are there any guests who you would love to have back on because you didn't cover everything? Or because they could have input in more topics? Yes, definitely. So many people, I have had two repeat guests this season already. Because they had books out and I'd interviewed them previously. And I was like, come back and talk about your book. But the first person who comes to mind is Dr. Anand Patel, because I had questions like lined up in my notes, to talk about sex toys for people with penises, and also what it was like, for him, growing up as a gay man, and being really aware of the AIDS crisis, because I met Anand when we spoke on a panel at the beginning of 2020, that was about sex toys. And so I really wanted to chat with him about that. And then we were on another panel together, I was there virtually, during lockdown and he talked about the impact that the AIDS crisis has had on his sexuality and how he feels about sex and safety as a gay man. And we just didn't get onto either of those topics. There's like so much to talk about when it came to penis health, that I didn't even get a chance to ask those questions. So I definitely would want to cover those topics with him.
Hannah Witton
Would love to listen to an episode about STI disclosure and stigma. Yes, thank you for that suggestion, I will look into it. I don't think we've like directly covered that. So that's a really great idea. Thank you.
Hannah Witton
How do you stay motivated for every episode? I have a podcast but my episodes are so sporadic. I've never really thought about this. I don't rely on the motivation. In order to do things, I rely on my organisation. So even if I'm not feeling motivated to do it, it's like it's in the calendar, it's on my to do list, like I have to do it. That's how I do things. I don't know if that would work for everybody. But if I waited to feel motivation in order to record a podcast episode, to film a video, to post on Instagram, like I never would. That's a lie. I wouldn't never would obviously I do get bouts of motivation every now and then. But you shouldn't sit around waiting for motivation. You need to cultivate a atmosphere and work process, creative process, like whatever it is that you start and then motivation happens. Oh my god, I'm just realising so many things. Okay, hold on. Let me backtrack, you don't know what's currently happening in my mind and what thoughts I'm joining. So this is basically like responsive desire. If you listened to the episode that I did with Dr. Karen Gurney about how desire actually works, I'm honestly seeing so many parallels between that and creativity and motivation. I also love watching a lot of productivity YouTubers, and they talk about this when it comes to discipline and motivation. They say, do not sit around waiting to feel motivated to do work, you start the work and then once you've started the work, the motivation then comes to continue. And it's the same with sex and desire. Don't sit around, waiting for desire to strike you out of nowhere. Maybe start some sexy times and then if arousal and pleasure happen, then the desire comes and that's responsive design. Oh my god, honestly, like it's all connected because I wrote about this and my newsletter recently about how I don't feel creative and I never get like sparks of like creative ideas, but how I need to treat my creativity, more like arousal where I just like do stuff, like be creative, like, allow myself the context, like give myself the space and time. And then the creativity, the motivation, the sexual desire, whatever it is you're after, will come after that. If you create the right context for it. I'm having an epiphany people. You're listening to a true extrovert doing a solo podcast episode, because on extroverts known for like speaking their thoughts out loud, like literally as they're having their thoughts. That's what you're listening to. Oh, my goodness. Okay. Let's just calm down from that.
Hannah Witton
Have you/will you talk about the intersections of queerness and autism, as they commonly occur? Great question. Yes. So there's an episode that I've already recorded that will be coming out for season four, in January, where we talk about autism, we talk about queerness, we talk about religion, like we talk about so much stuff, but queerness and autism definitely come up. Though, I can't remember how much we talk about the intersections between them, maybe a little bit. However, there is someone called Erin Atkins or Eakins, I'm not sure. And she is queer, she's autistic. And she has a book coming out in April 2021, called Queerly Autistic, and it's a book about being queer and being autistic for queer, autistic teenagers. And I basically want to read that book and get her on the podcast. So hopefully, that will happen. And we'll have a whole episode about the intersection between queerness and autism.
Hannah Witton
Any plans to talk about ADHD and sex and relationships? Not until you ask this question, honestly, not something that I had thought about. But, now that you have planted that seed in my mind, I will be on the lookout for potential guests or experts who can maybe talk about that,and I might look into some stuff in that myself. Thank you.
Hannah Witton
What have you learned from guests that you have put into practice in your life? Oh, probably a lot of things. But the one that comes to mind is Dr. Karen Gurney, and sexual currency. So listen to that episode with her as she explains it much better. But sexual currency is basically all of these little acts of sexually relating to one another that isn't a sexual act that involves genitals. Tt might be like grabbing someone's bum as you pass them in the kitchen, it might be a passionate kiss, that doesn't go anywhere, it's just a kiss for the sake of a kiss, It might be flirting, it might be like cheeky texts, like all of these different things that you could do with somebody in between all of the times that you are having sex, who knows. And so that's something that has really stuck with me, and she talks about it in her book as well, Mind the Gap. And anytime my partner and I do anything together, I like point it out and like, oop, that was sexual currency, which made me defeats the point, but I like being better in my relationships, apparently.
Hannah Witton
What's the hardest thing about online interviews? What do you miss the most about IRL ones? Oof, so I think the hardest thing about online interviews is technology. Technology is just never in our favour. Well, sometimes it is, but a lot of the times it lets us down. Sometimes, when recording online, it can be really difficult to know when somebody has finished a thought. And you're like, do I say something now and like when you kind of talk over each other, online, it's a lot messier than in person because obviously you can like see their face and you can judge if they're about to finish talking or if they want to say something. And so that's definitely stuff that I miss about IRL interviews and I think the other thing I miss about IRL interviews is that face to face stuff and also just being able to chat before and after. And granted, I do this a bit with my guests, like we'll have a little chat before we start recording and, you know, have a little chinwag before like we get down to the business of the of the podcast, but there does always tend to be more of that when in person. Because also I'm really mindful of people's time because when I email them and we arrange the podcast, I'm like, this is going to be an hour max. And so I'm always really conscious of like not taking up too much of their time in case they have places to be and things to do. But when in person, I don't know, just feels a bit more chill.
Hannah Witton
Okay, on to some sex and relationships, questions. I found the episode with Alexandra Hearst about the legal and financial situation in marriage and divorce eye opening as a person recently married, did this make you consider things in a different light? Do you know whatm I don't think it did, because these are things that I was already thinking about. So it wasn't like she changed my mind or anything, just confirmed things for me.
Hannah Witton
How do you distinguish between responsive desire, a weak accelerator, and being asexual? This is a great question. If you're not sure what a weak accelerator is, because I don't think we have specifically talked about that on this podcast, I did a whole video called the secret to sexual arousal or something like that. And that explains like sexual accelerator, sexual break. And if you want to go even deeper, Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, is where I learned about that for the first time. But yeah, if you're trying to figure out if you have responsive desire, low libido, although we don't like to call it low libido, or if you're asexual, it's good to do lots of self reflection on like, have I ever experienced desire? In what context have I experienced desire? Am I sexually attracted to people, because some asexual people may still experience desire, but some may not. So you, you might be all three, it's really about looking into each one, like, find some asexuality resources, online or in books, and see how much of that speaks to you. And then also, definitely check out Emily Nagoski's, Come As You Are, for information around accelerater, break, and responsive desire, and just have a read, have a listen and see what speaks to you. It doesn't have to necessarily be one or the other. It could be all of it. When it comes to sexuality, we often conflate attraction, desire, arousal, and interest. And whilst yes, they can overlap, you got to think of them as separate entities that are like a Venn diagram. So there's like some overlaps, but they are all different. So attraction is where asexuality would go, because it's more relational. It's about like, are you attracted to other people. Whereas desire can be something, an arousal can be something that happens so low, just within yourself, and it doesn't necessary have to be about somebody else. Does that make sense? I hope so.
Hannah Witton
Tips for dealing with differing preferences for frequency of sex. Great question. This is such a common concern. And I can't really go into all of the things now but obviously, like communication, and then also listen to the episode with Dr. Karen Gurney, because we go in, we go in, and it's also about de-pedestalling lots of sex as the indicator of a good sex life. Or looking more inward and being like, do I want to have lots of sex because I genuinely want that and that is something that is me. Or is it because I feel like that is what a good sex life is. It's not actually got anything to do with my own pleasure. It's more like, this is what I feel like I should be doing. There you go.
Hannah Witton
How do you find time for solo sex during quarantine when both of you work from home? Yes. So, I don't know about Dan. You know, that's his business. But for me, so I often go to bed earlier than Dan. I'm an early bird. He's a night owl. So you know, I've got that time in bed often by myself before he comes to bed. So you know, that's great. And then also mornings, maybe as well. And, and I guess also, I get up in the middle of the night to empty my stoma bag and sometimes I can't fall asleep afterwards. And masturbating really helps me fall asleep. So that's another time that I do it. You're welcome for that information. TMI. I don't know.
Hannah Witton
Someone just said Big Mouth, season four. Yes. I had no idea a new season was coming out. I absolutely loved this show. I'm a few episodes in. If you haven't watched Big Mouth, it is on Netflix. It's a cartoon show about tweens going through puberty. And it is just a filthy show, it is hilarious. It covers all sorts of different sexual topics; body changes, mental health. This season, they're talking about race identity as well. Like, it is such great show. I love big mouth.
Hannah Witton
How does someone, female, who has never masturbated get started? Oh, what a great question. So, my first thought is that you just don't need to put any pressure on yourself to actually touch your genitals like for it to be this mind blowing, like first masturbatory experience. Or to put any pressure on having an orgasm. I would say, make it pleasure focused, make it pleasure first. So explore different sensations, touching yourself, like your arms, your boobs, your inner thighs, like your legs, like your butt cheeks, like, whatever it is, and just take it slow and like, see what kind of sensations get you going. If you're a fantasy kind of person, like, maybe try and conjure up some interesting fantasies here. Like, oh, this kind of works to me. If you're a porn person, maybe find some ethical feminist porn, please pay for your porn if you can, and see what tickles your fancy there. Erotica is great. Just, yeah, explore like, there was in the episode with Kimberly Foster, she talked about sexual liberation being this exploratory mission. So think of it as like, as that exploratory mission. But there's no pressure for success. I'm doing success in like air quotes. Because there's no such thing. Like the thing that you want to be striving for is pleasure and knowledge, ooft we love that.
Hannah Witton
Why does no one ever tell you that after someone has ejaculated inside you, you leak for ages after? Yeah, no one told me this either, and I have a couple of theories. One is that we genuinely just don't talk about sex. There's like a silence around it. So why would this little detail get spoken about when we can't even talk about like the big stuff? And my other thought is that, if you do get sex ed in school, like you are taught to use a condom, have safe sex, right? So under what circumstances would they say that if you were to ever have sex without a condom, this might be something you should expect, this might be something that happens. Like I honestly think that for teenagers, sex ed for teenagers, the messaging is condom, condom, condom. The messaging is safe sex, safe sex, safe sex, right? And so they never even consider like, you know what these teenagers in this room like one day, some of them might want to get pregnant. One day, some of these young people might have unprotected sex for whatever reason, like we can't ignore that these things happen. We can't ignore the fact that lots of people have sex without a condom, for whatever reason. And yeah, sometimes that jizz leaks out afterwards. And sometimes you think it's all gone? And then you like, stand up, and you're like, oh, there's some more. So yeah, that's those my theories as to why we don't really talk about it. We're scared of having conversations with teenagers about the potential for them having unprotected sex. For whatever reason that might be they're like, No, no, no, we just talk about condoms and we don't talk about anything else.
Hannah Witton
Right. And finally, I have a couple of sex educator related questions. When you talked to Ita about the role of an intimacy coordinator, could you see yourself doing this as a job in the future post YouTube? I love this question because yeah, I, honestly, was on the website, Ita's website, their intimacy on-set website, where like she has the guidelines, and there's like training. And I was on it, I was curious, I was like, looking up what is required to become an intimacy coordinator and like how it all works. I don't think I would be qualified because it looks like people who they want for those kinds of roles aren't coming from a sex educator background, but coming from a movement and like, performing arts background. So it's like two different kinds of expertise. I don't know if that's correct. That was just my interpretation of what I saw on the website and I haven't looked at the website in months since I did that interview with Ita, so I could be wrong. But I would love to hear if any of you after listening to that episode also looked up the intimacy on-set website, if any of you are exploring that as a career path, I would absolutely love to hear about that.
Hannah Witton
And finally, do you think that a sex educator can be asexual? Absolutely. I used to have such imposter syndrome. Now hang on, I still have lots of imposter syndrome. But, way back when when I first started making sex ed content on YouTube, I hadn't had an orgasm and I felt like such a fraud. I was like, how could I be somebody who like is knowledgeable in this area and like tells other people this information, when I personally have never experienced an orgasm. I felt like such a fraud. But that's not how it works. Being a sex educator, the skills required to be a sex educator, have got absolutely nothing to do with your personal sex life, your sexuality, your asexuality, nothing. If you are passionate about this topic area, if you are knowledgeable, if you are learning, if you know, if you're doing all of the things to be a sex educator, like it doesn't matter that you're asexual, like if anything that gives you like a really unique perspective for people who you might be educating, like, some asexual people have sex, some asexual people masturbate. And so there will be asexual people who may often feel like they're alienated from the bigger narrative around sex and in sex education. And so that's also something that you could provide, with your personal insight as well. So I don't think there's any reason why someone who is asexual can be a sex educator. I have weird feeling like I've answered that kind of question before. But if it's come up again, I just wanted you to hear that again. Thank you so much for all of your questions. Thank you so much for listening to Doing It. And I really appreciate you all. And I hope that you have a great Christmas and New Year, we will still be on social media, like having conversations around all of these different things, over the next couple of weeks, but podcasts will resume around mid January. So we will see you then. Bye. Thank you so much for listening to Doing It. If you enjoyed it, I would really appreciate it if you left a rating and a review. You can find show notes at DoingItPodcast.co.uk and do go follow us on social media and I'll catch you in the next episode. Bye.
Hannah Witton
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