Public vs Private Relationships as a YouTuber with Stevie Boebi | Transcript
Find the episode shownotes here!
Hannah Witton
I'm gonna have to obviously document the shit out of that pregnancy for content.
Stevie Boebi
Hell yeah, the content .
Hannah Witton
Because a foetus cannot consent.
Hannah Witton
Welcome to Doing It with me, Hannah Witton, where we talk all things sex, relationships, dating, and our bodies.
Hannah Witton
Hi everyone. Before we get stuck into this episode, I have a couple of announcements. One, Doing It is going to be at the London Podcast Festival. Oh my god, I'm so, so excited. The live show is going to be on Sunday the eighth of September at 9:30pm. So a late night Sunday show for you, and I will be joined by the wonderful Dr. Zoe Williams as my guest for that episode. You can get tickets now, I will leave links in the show notes for where you can get them and they're also all over our social media, so please come, we'd absolutely love to have you there. That is London Podcast Festival Sunday eighth September, 9:30pm, tickets on sale now. Please come please, please, please, please come.
Hannah Witton
And the other news is that next week, I'm on holiday, and instead of posting one of the many pre recorded episodes that I already have, I just thought, do you know what Hannah, take a break, just have some time off. So there will be no episode next week. But we will be kicking things off again in two weeks time with an episode all about sexting.
Hannah Witton
But on to this week's episode, I am joined by Stevie Boebi. This is another one that I recorded whilst I was in LA, she makes queer sex ed videos online, and we talk a lot about me introducing her to two of her ex girlfriends. We talk about being set up, we talk about public versus private relationships, privacy versus queer representation online, and what about the potential of a family in the future, the ethics maybe of putting your kids online. And obviously we talk about this as two people who do not have children, and have not quite figured out how we feel about that, we're just exploring these ideas. And then we also talk a lot about Stevie's experiences dating whilst being polyamorous, disabled, and queer, and how all of those influence her experience of dating and relationships.
Hannah Witton
Don't forget to go follow us on social media, @DoingItPodcast, and leave a rating and review if you like this episode. And hopefully see you at the London Podcast Festival. Hope you enjoyed this episode.
Hannah Witton
So I wanted to get you on the podcast, one, because we were talking earlier about how I seem to have set you up with past girlfriends.
Stevie Boebi
Yes.
Hannah Witton
Not set you up, introduced you to, and then it became something but then -
Stevie Boebi
It probably would have been weird if you were like, hey, you two, now you're gonna date because I said so. Don't friends do that sometimes?
Hannah Witton
Yeah, like set people up. Well, my partner, his sister is how we met, and like years before she was just like, you too would really get on, do you want me to set you up? And I was like, no. And then two years later, I was like, oh, yeah. So like, I feel like when it's just done in a way, I guess in your case, it would be like if it's done like oh, you're gay, my friends gay. Like hey, why don't you guys hit it off.
Stevie Boebi
I think you're like my only straight friend, so that doesn't really happen.
Hannah Witton
I'm honoured.
Stevie Boebi
No, like yeah, so my friend set me up with someone, or tried to anyway, um, this was like a few days ago because I'm recently single. And then, this is the first time someone's like been like, no, I'm going to set you up, like you have to meet this person, she's going to be your next girlfriend blah blah blah. And she's like already told her the same thing, blah blah, she's texting her and she's like, she's gonna be at this place tomorrow night. And so like I go to the place, and I don't bring, you know, invite any of the, you know, other girls that I'm going on dates with, right? And then she's like, not showing up and Amber was like, just DM her. So I DM her, no response. It's been like five days. And I'm like, I'm never gonna let someone else set me up ever again.
Hannah Witton
But you never met her in the first place.
Stevie Boebi
No.
Hannah Witton
Maybe they're not ready, and some people just do not like being set up, and just find it awkward.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, it is awkward.
Hannah Witton
Have you ever been set up before?
Stevie Boebi
I don't think so.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I don't think I have.
Stevie Boebi
It's my first and last time.
Hannah Witton
I love the idea of playing Cupid but -
Stevie Boebi
But not letting anyone know that that's what's happening. You just happened to invite them to the same place.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, in reality, I feel like it wouldn't work. I feel maybe maybe if you find like there are two people in my life who are very similar, or very compatible, and would really get on with each other. Like maybe you're not even like making the assumption that it would be romantic or sexual, and you're just like, these two friends of mine have to know each other. I like that kind of thing. Maybe host a party and invite all of your friends.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, that's what you fucking did, the first time you set me up with someone on accident. Or did you, you didn't mean to do that? You just like -
Hannah Witton
No, it's because I was friends with you, and I was friends with her, and I was visiting LA. And let's go get dinner, and then I just remember inviting both of you.
Stevie Boebi
And then you know.
Hannah Witton
Sorry about that.
Stevie Boebi
Well, I'm single now. So Hannah has introduced me to two people that did not work out. So it's all your fault.
Hannah Witton
Off to a great start. I mean, I didn't tell you to -
Stevie Boebi
Who are you're gonna set me up with next?
Hannah Witton
I'm just trying to think like all of the lesbians I know in LA, I know through you now. Like you've already met them.
Stevie Boebi
I know. It's so funny because my friend set me up with someone who's a lesbian YouTuber, and I'd never heard of her before. And I was like, what the fuck?
Hannah Witton
A newbie.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, who followed me on everything, and then still didn't respond to my DM, I just think it's hilarious.
Hannah Witton
Or really likes you, as like, as a fan and, but they're like, but they're so self aware that they're like, they're so self aware of the fact that they're a fan. They're like, well, I could never be normal around this person.
Stevie Boebi
Do you know what I'm thinking of right now? So there's this this new YouTube channel that I'm obsessed with, It's called Charisma on Command -
Hannah Witton
Wait, hold on. I think they've been popping up in my recommended recently.
Stevie Boebi
I watched one video because they they critique like Game of Thrones characters in interviews.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
So that's why it popped up.
Hannah Witton
I watched that one!
Stevie Boebi
So I'm watching them right, and so one of the like, the best ways to get people to like you, and to be charismatic, is when the options could be negative, you twist it into a positive, and you literally just did it.
Hannah Witton
Oh, it's you always, you like, assume positive intent.
Stevie Boebi
Yes, yeah, yeah. Oh my god, I'm obsessed with that fucking channel.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Oh my god. I watched one about why Emilia Clarke, who plays Denarius is like, charming and charismatic. And then I watched this other one about Brie Larson, and how like, why she comes across negatively in interviews.
Stevie Boebi
Literally, YouTube is recommending us the same videos, this is hilarious.
Hannah Witton
Maybe we just like watch the same things, and it's like, these two people are the same. So we will feed them the same content, and they will love it. Yeah, no, I'm really enjoying that channel.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
I think also one of the reasons why I think I like it is because it's, so it's voiced over by a man. And a lot of the video titles are like, five different styles of charisma, or styles or confidence to like get a girl. But like, I'm fully aware that they're doing those like titles and thumbnails in order to, like, get a certain audience in, but I'm watching it, and I'm like, this is actually just interesting analysis about human behaviour.
Stevie Boebi
Yes, exactly. I also think that a lot of people think that the things they're saying to their friends, or anyone that they're interacting with, is things that are positive, or make them feel good, and they're not, right. So I think that is really cool. They're like, hi, look at this reaction of this actor when they're doing this interview, because this person said this, now they're being sarcastic, but it didn't come off as that with with them, right. So blah, blah, blah. So it kind of like breaks it down, which is really, really cool. I think, too, for people that struggle with social anxiety, or maybe people on the Asperger or on the autism spectrum to like, learn all of that, which is really, really interesting.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, because it's a lot about social cues and examples of like, these two people are doing exactly the same thing. But like, the tone is different, or they like didn't read the other person's response in the same way, and so the outcome -
Stevie Boebi
I love how analytical it is to, he'll be like this person, it was obvious, because they raised their eyebrows. Like, bitch, what?
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
That made a difference? That's fascinating.
Hannah Witton
I love it.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
I love it. How did we get onto this?
Stevie Boebi
I love this tangent.
Hannah Witton
I love this tangent too.
Stevie Boebi
Because you just said, maybe she just likes you too much, that's why she didn't respond to your DM, you sneaky little charismatic bitch.
Hannah Witton
Turning everything into a compliment.
Stevie Boebi
That's what I do, normally, when friends are upset because someone's ghosting them, or not responding. I'll just be like, oh my god, are you worried about them? Because if they're not responding to you, they must be in the hospital, or dead, or you know, cuz like, have you seen yourself?
Hannah Witton
Yeah. So back to you this lesbian YouTuber, and your love life, and your dating life?
Stevie Boebi
What?
Hannah Witton
This is what we were talking about before.
Stevie Boebi
Oh, and I thought you were saying in your love life, as in our love life, because we've literally never spoken, and I've just found out who she was like three days ago.
Hannah Witton
I see. No, not you and this person.
Stevie Boebi
Oh my god, everyones going to try to assess who it is. This is so fun.
Hannah Witton
Oh, well, this is a thing like everyone like guessing, because you have a lot of young queers who like follow you on social media, and are very invested in your relationships, and you've had a lot of public relationships.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, and they're less invested now, which is -
Hannah Witton
Do you think that's because your last like public relationship ended like two, three years ago?
Stevie Boebi
Three years ago, yeah.
Hannah Witton
Do you think it's because you've been less sharey, so they've just kind of like chilled out and gotten used to it?
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, yeah, I think they're both, they're both hard though you know. Shannon Shannon Beveridge, she just made a video talking about comparing what it's like to live a - because she had literally just two long term relationships, back to back, one of them where she was very private, and one of them where she was very public, and just like comparing those two. And I've had different experience than her, obviously, but she's talking about how hard both of them are, right. Because on one hand if you're in a public relationship, and like you're basically running a business together if you are have, if you have a channel together, right and, if you're doing videos together -
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
You're like making business decisions and and then also it's also your relationship, like your relationship is your business, What the fuck is that?
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
And on one hand it's that, but then on the other hand, and and like a lot of people being like commenting on every single little thing in your relationship, right? Some people will like, write essays long about like, I don't like the way this person treats this person, or I don't like you know, the fact that this person is uglier than this person is. It's fucking ridiculous, right?
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
And then on the other hand, when you're private, it's like holy shit, I'm so excited about this thing that we just did together, and look at this beautiful photo we just took, and I can't share it.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
And so it's like, you know, sure you can make your finsta, and your, you know, private Twitter accounts, or whatever, where you can share it with your friends, but inevitably like people don't check that shit, right. So like, what am I going to, because I want to share it with the people that matter to me, and like my fan base is people that matter to me.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
So it's like, fuck, this really sucks, or it's like oh, I can't, I can't share this thing on social media because everyone will know that, you know, the person I'm dating is the birthday party I'm going to, or whatever, you know.
Hannah Witton
Ah, yeah.
Stevie Boebi
Or like you know okay, I'm gonna walk this red carpet, and my girlfriend is my date, but like, you know, maybe go hang out in this other room. I've never done that but I'm just saying like -
Hannah Witton
So wait, what, was her last relationship super private? Because I would consider my relationship now private, but he's still like maybe every once in a while on my Instagram. But he, the thing is, is that he doesn't have any social media.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
So there's nothing to link to, so no one can then go and stalk him. So I don't know if that kind of makes a difference.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, I think that there's levels of it, right. There's like people that are like, I will literally never put you on my social media, ever. And then there's people that are like, oh yeah, if it can be implied that we're just friends, then like sure, or there are people that are like yeah, I'm gonna post photos where I'm kissing your cheek, and like we're on romantic vacations, but I'm never gonna say explicitly, this is my girlfriend, or whatever.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
So yeah, there's different levels of it. And like, for me, if you're not already an influencer, or like have some kind of following of some kind, like you're not gonna be on my socials like at all.
Hannah Witton
Oh, I see.
Stevie Boebi
Because muggles. Whenever, what do you call them? Internet muggles. People they like don't do this for a job, or even fun, or whatever, right.
Hannah Witton
Muggles.
Stevie Boebi
People that don't do social media are muggles. I don't know, I just want to, like protect them from that type of scrutiny, is the word I was looking for.
Hannah Witton
Oh, I see, yeah.
Stevie Boebi
So if if I'm dating someone that's in the public eye, I don't really give a shit. I'm never gonna explicitly say it, but like, you know, yeah, I'll just post.
Hannah Witton
Whereas if you're, because I've had situations where friends of mine from uni, who aren't in the public eye at all, but you know, like, most people have an Instagram account. So these friends of mine, they have Instagram accounts, they're like publicly open accounts, but it's friends who are following. And so if we're out and about, and we're taking pictures, and I want to share one, I always like have to ask them, I'm like, do you want me to tag you in this? And I have to like, give them a little pre warning. Like, if I do tag you in this, you'll get some strangers following your account, most likely. And so then it becomes like, they're like, no, don't, like you can post it, but just don't tag me.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
I had a couple friends, where they were like, sure tag me, and then they ended up having to make their account private because they were just like, who are all these randos following me? I don't want this. And I was like, I'm so sorry.
Stevie Boebi
The only person that I didn't ask before I tagged him was my brother and then my little brother, and then he still doesn't stop talking. He's like, I don't know, I got like 500 followers with the word lesbian, and dyke, and finger, and fisting in their names and I was like, well, this from my sister.
Hannah Witton
I remember years ago, one of your - this is like when I think we were first becoming friends, and you had a public breakup. Like it was so public that you you guys had a vlog channel together, and you made videos together, and when you broke up you made like a breakup video.
Stevie Boebi
Oh my god. Yes.
Hannah Witton
And I remember asking you like, why do you do it?
Stevie Boebi
You were like, do you regret it?
Hannah Witton
Well, yeah, like why did you do that, in the sense of like, why make your relationship public, if there is this like risk of, somewhere down the line, you may have to make a breakup video, and I feel like or a breakup announcement in some way. And I always remember what you said to me, which is about there being like representation of like lesbian couples.
Stevie Boebi
I remember that, we were in a car and we were talking and I was just like, if I was straight, I wouldn't do it. It wouldn't be worth it.
Hannah Witton
Yeah and I was just like, oh yeah, that makes so much sense because where do you like see just a normal, casual, like lesbian relationship being portrayed. All of the examples I can give are like real life youtubers, rather than like characters in TV shows.
Stevie Boebi
I don't know, I always think about this too because like if I ever want a family, and I want to have kids, it's like you know the consent of the children like your, I don't know it's, God I'm like scared of this being public because I don't know how I feel about it yet so I just want to say, I don't know how I feel about this yet.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
About like, okay, is this exploiting children? Are they old enough to be able to consent to having a giant fan base like this? Like what is it like, you know, is this bad for them to grow up with like such eyes on it, and to where people know who their parents are, and where they go to sch- you know what I mean?
Hannah Witton
And also, there hasn't been the research on that, and like family vlogging and and all of that is so new, and the kids are still so young, they're still not adults yet, they're still not like you know, fully formed human beings where we can actually go, oh, hey, how do you feel about that?
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, and so I'm just like, well fuck, if I would if I would put my relationship online because of representation, why wouldn't I want to put my kids online? You know what I mean? So it's like, I don't know, most of my heart is like fuck no.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, well -
Stevie Boebi
But like what, I'm gonna drop a secret family? What if I was like hey guys, so there's something I've been hiding from you, I have two children, like what the fuck?
Hannah Witton
I feel like there there is a way to do it, like if you you know for personal reasons you don't want to put your kids online, you can still talk about having a family.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, true.
Hannah Witton
From that perspective, but it being about you and not about your kids.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Does that makes sense? So what made the difference then, like because you had like two back to back like public relationships.
Stevie Boebi
I had four.
Hannah Witton
Four! So I only know about two of them.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, well.
Hannah Witton
Wow. And all of these people were also very much in the public eye?
Stevie Boebi
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Like first of all, how was that? And then like, why then have the last three years been private?
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, I think I was fucking over it. I was just like, this is too much, I need like a little bit of a break, right. I made a lot of mistakes along the way. Like, I'll accidentally like post a photo and be like, nobody will freak out. Nobody will like stalk this person, and then they get stalked, and I'm like, God fucking dammit. So yeah, I've like made some mistakes and like, figured out my boundaries from there. But like I've had several people I've dated been like, I just feel really weird because it's I just feel like you're embarrassed of me, like why wouldn't you want to post photos with me
Hannah Witton
Whilst you're dating?
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, we've been dating for a while and so then it'll like cause, that's the thing, having a public relationship causes tension in the relationship, having a private relationship causes tension in the relationship, and it's like, what the fuck. Yeah, but like most most of my relationships with people have been pretty understanding, and I'm a great communicator so I'll be able to be like, what do you want? Like let's talk about it, this is what can potentially happen.
Hannah Witton
Yes
Stevie Boebi
I can forward you some emails that my exes have gotten.
Hannah Witton
Whoa, what kinds of emails would they be like?
Stevie Boebi
Oh, like telling them to kill themselves and shit, yeah.
Hannah Witton
Because they don't want anyone dating you?
Stevie Boebi
Yes, other than my, their favourite of my exes or whatever? Or their ship with me or whatever, you know.
Hannah Witton
How does that feel, to have people so like, invested and like feeling entitled to your personal relationships?
Stevie Boebi
I mean, I'm kind of immune to it now. I don't know if that's good.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, when you're like, I'm used to this bad thing, so it doesn't bother me anymore. And you're always just like, hmmmm.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, it's kind of fucked up. But um, yeah, I mostly care if it's affecting people I love and care about, right, and like also if you're fucking twat blocking me, I'm mad. But yeah, I've just like found a comfy spot being pretty private. I think with this last relationship that I just went through a breakup with, I was like pretty excited to actually be public again, because it's been like three years -
Hannah Witton
Yeah
Stevie Boebi
And I don't know if it's like oh, it's been long enough to where I forgot how much it sucked. or if I'm actually going to be excited and like down to do it but yeah, yeah, we'll see.
Hannah Witton
But that's now ended.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, I'm kind of like, listen, I'm not gonna do it until we're married.
Hannah Witton
Hey internet, this is my wife.
Stevie Boebi
Here's my marriage vlog. Here's my wedding vlog.
Hannah Witton
Oh my goodness. I remember making a joke ages ago about how I would do my pregnancy announcement when I was like nine months, like just film all of my videos from like boobs up so no one could tell, not do any public appearances for months -
Stevie Boebi
Oh my God.
Hannah Witton
And then just be like, hey, I got something to share, and like stand up and like, bam.
Stevie Boebi
I love that
Hannah Witton
That's that's one thing I was like, oh, I totally want to do that. But now, with The Hormones Diaries series, I'm gonna have to obviously document the shit out of that pregnancy for content.
Stevie Boebi
Hell yeah content.
Hannah Witton
Because a foetus cannot consent to being filmed and monitored.
Stevie Boebi
Oh my god. Well, you can't actually film the foetus.
Hannah Witton
I mean, I could feel the ultrasound but yeah, no, it changes once it's born, that's the thing.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
Then you're like, ah.
Stevie Boebi
That's so funny.
Hannah Witton
I've seen a lot of -
Stevie Boebi
Do you think that any kids of like family vloggers will like sue their parents for exploiting them?
Hannah Witton
I mean let's see in 10 years time, I can't wait. Is that really bad of me to say?
Stevie Boebi
I mean, you can't wait because that's like interesting to see what happens.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
Not like, I can't wait for the parents to get - have revenge.
Hannah Witton
No, it's more like, if it does happen, I will be watching with an eager eye because it would be kind of setting a protocol. Although, would it be the first of its kind?
Stevie Boebi
Don't some child actors -
Hannah Witton
Yeah, exactly. Child actors, child musicians.
Stevie Boebi
They have, right?
Hannah Witton
I don't know. But some of them get really depressed, and quit, and are just like, fuck this. Why'd you ruin my childhood? So I don't know, is it the same as that? But what I was gonna say as I see a lot of Instagram parents posting pictures of their kid, but their kid's face isn't in it.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, like Cardi B puts like an emoji over a baby's face, but like you can make it trace the face you know?
Hannah Witton
Oh, okay. So like all of those past public relationships you had, they were all monogamous, or maybe not? Were they publicly monogamous, because -
Stevie Boebi
No comment.
Hannah Witton
Well, that's fine, I love that. Well no that's so interesting though that it's like there are just some things are just like, no that's private.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, I mean it depends on what your definition of monogamy is, right? Like I'm polyamorous, I'll always be polyamorous, so technically no relationship I'll be in, would be, right but like -
Hannah Witton
But it's only since you've been single this time round that you've been talking publicly about being polyamorous.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah so I identified as monogamish for most of my, since I was 19, so like most of my fucking dating life. And then this, so I started dating someone who like, my girl - I started dating my girlfriend at the time, who had a wife and so yeah, she was just like, okay, let's talk about how you feel about it. I was like I just prefer dating polyamorous people, and she's like, do you have the capacity to fall in love with more than one person? And I was like yeah, duh. And she's like, then that means you're poly, and so I was like, I am. You know, that's like a really cliffnotes version of that, but um yeah. So then I started identifying as it, and going down that journey of like learning, and and all of that like ethical non monogamy, and shit like that. And now like I identify as polyamorous, which I don't know, I was just saying earlier that like, I don't know which one makes it harder today, being polyamorous, or being disabled.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
Where I have to be like, so this is what my disability is, this is what it involves, I know it sounds weird, you've never heard of it, and like I look like it's completely invisible or whatever. And then, or like okay this is what how my polyamory manifests itself, and blah blah blah, and it turns first dates into not flirty at all. So I got to figure out how to, how to get the flirts in -
Hannah Witton
Yeah, so with the, when you disclose your disability, it's then like questions about that. But then like, what kinds of questions do you get if you disclose about being polyamorous?
Stevie Boebi
It's all over the place. Like one time I said I'm polyamorous, and she said, don't you believe in love?
Hannah Witton
Oh.
Stevie Boebi
Which lol like -
Hannah Witton
There's just not a lot of education about it.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, and then also there's like a lot of people that like, I don't know, I don't want to talk shit on how somebody like expresses their polyamory or whatever.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
But like a lot of people say that they're polyamorous, when they're just dating, like I'm just dating multiple people to see who I want to commit to -
Hannah Witton
Right, I wouldn't see that poly because I would see that as dating
Stevie Boebi
But a lot of people say that they're polyamorous and yeah, it's kind of like with bisexuals, right. Like, people are like, oh, I'll never be date bisexual because I knew this one bisexual who like, like fucked a bunch of people. And I'm like, first of all, what's wrong with fucking a bunch of people, and second of all, you knew one bisexual and you're now abstaining all bisexuals?
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
What the fuck? Or like yeah, anyway. So yeah, there's just not, especially queer people, like there's not a lot of queer people that talk about polyamory, and they're starting to be a lot more, which is awesome. Like Ari Fitz makes so many videos about polyamory, and she fucking did way before I did. Even Ash Hardell, who is monogamous, but like, they love talking about it.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. Do you do you think there's like an extra stigma with the queer community and polyamory, because there's, I guess there's already this notion in a lot of people's heads that like, especially like with bisexual people, and like gay men, is that they're promiscuous, and all of the stereotypes of that, you know, they don't settle down, etc. And then that like feeds into stereotypes about polyamorous people.
Stevie Boebi
I don't really know about gay men, but I do know that I have a lot of bisexual friends who are scared to come out as non monogamous because they think it'll be reinforcing stereotypes. But with lesbians, and like the lesbians I know, and like within my poly circle, it's actually easier. Like because, I don't know, I think that being queer and living in a queer world, I think we already had to be like, I don't know, it's like people are more accepting of it
Hannah Witton
Sure, right.
Stevie Boebi
At least like, well, at least the general population like -
Hannah Witton
We already had to get past this one barrier. So like, yeah.
Stevie Boebi
Oh, you're already sexually deviant. Of course, that makes sense.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
Like, which is kind of convenient, but also annoying.
Hannah Witton
You're in the club.
Stevie Boebi
I feel like, because people already had to come out and like whatever, once they once a queer person realises that they're polyamorous, things kind of click, and it kind of feels like they can breathe, as far as like what I've witnessed in others. And then if I'm talking to like, a more straight person, or maybe like a bi or pan person that tends to date someone that makes their their relationship look like a straight couple or whatever, they kind of get more anxious about it, instead of breathing a good sigh. That's, that's all I notice in my personal experience.
Hannah Witton
I just had a thought about how so when it comes to like heterosexual relationships, that's what we see most of, and that is what like, culturally, we are given like, this is how this person is supposed to behave in a relationship. And this is how this person is supposed to behave, and these are your social cues. And this is like, how that relationship goes. And it is monogamous.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah.
Hannah Witton
And so like, when you're in that kind of, like, more conforming relationship, you're, you already have all of these ideas of how it's supposed to be. But then if you're queer, you're already breaking out of what you're told is the norm. And so it's then much easier to then break out of other norms, I'm guessing.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, I think, I think that that's what I found. Like me, because I've been, you know, in polyamorous relationships, and interested in polyamorous people, and going to BDSM clubs, and all of that shit since I was 19. But I was, you know, obviously, when I was younger, I was in less and less safe spaces for my lesbianism. Right?
Hannah Witton
Right.
Stevie Boebi
I was surrounded by a lot more straight people, I got way more pushback in those spaces, and in those times of my life than I do now. Now I'm like, yeah, I love fisting, and tying people up, and hitting them with a whip. People are like, that makes sense for you. As opposed to being like, what?
Hannah Witton
You deviant, you sexual deviant.
Stevie Boebi
So yeah, I think that, yes, I think that that is correct, that like once, once you're already in, I don't know, counterculture, what you want to call it like. I don't want to call queerness counterculture, that's kind of weird. But it's not punk rock. But I don't know.
Hannah Witton
And the other thing I wanted to ask about was, I remember you posting this image on like, Twitter, or Instagram one time, and it was like this map of all different kinds of like, poly relationships. It was like this beautiful web, and it had all these different people on it, and was like, these people are connected this way. And I had like a key depending on what the line was. And I was just curious if you were willing to share like, what some of those different kind of like styles of polyamorous relationships there are, and maybe like, what kinds of ones that you found yourself, like, drifting towards?
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, yeah, so that was such a cool chart because it represented a lot of different types of polyamory types of relationships. And I think that a lot of people, especially people that either haven't been exposed to people that are out about being polyamorous and even if they are poly themselves, or other monogamous people, or whatever. They kind of like have their own preconceived notions based on like one or two things that they've been told, right? Usually it's like, oh, you're polyamorous, that means you never want to get married or have kids. And so you just want to fuck people all the time. Which, first of all, nothing fucking wrong with that. And then they never think about the web, right, the only time you think about a web is when you're like, Shane from The L Word. Like, oh, this is all the people that she slept with, and how they are all connected with each other, or whatever. So I thought it was really cool because on that chart, they show like, these two people are connected, because they're co parents. These three people are nesting together, or like, they they all live in the same house together. But these two people are in a long term marriage, and they've been together for 10 years, but they do not live together.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
So it just showed like, different representations of how different relationships can look, which was really cool to me.
Hannah Witton
I love it, it was fascinating. I feel like you could look at it for hours and like figure out how everyone's connected, and all this different styles of relationships. What are your main ones?
Stevie Boebi
For me? I - people are always like, yeah, we'll just become a throuple with the person and their wife or like, whatever. And I'm like, so adverse to throuples like, unless everything is so perfect with each like, that's too much for me.
Hannah Witton
There's a I guess it would be quite lucky if you found yourself in a throuple. Like, all three of you like the other two.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah. And I just, for me, I think that like I just want to be in a relationship where I'm an unbiased party for my partner, right? So if my partner wants to talk shit on their other partner, then I'm not biased, I can't, I don't want to defend them. I just want to be like a listening ear or like or whatever. That's just one example of a way that like it could become complicated, if that was and also my other girlfriend, like what the fuck? To me, that's just like too much. Maybe not in the future. Maybe I'll fucking have a throuple and raise kids together. I don't know. Who knows.
Hannah Witton
Who knows. And what is compersion?
Stevie Boebi
Oh compersion is the opposite of jealousy, a lot of people say. So it's feeling joy because someone else is experiencing something that makes them happy or or feel good or whatever.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, which I feel like a lot of people do experience, like you can feel like happy for someone else because they passed a test, or they got the job that you want and you're like over the moon for them but -
Stevie Boebi
Like, you know that friend that cries because you got engaged.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
Like, bitch, calm down, that is full on compersion. And then you have the friends that are like jealous because either they're comparing, or they feel like their life isn't isn't to the point where they would like it to be, right. So I think that there are people that are naturally compersive, and there are people that aren't naturally compersive. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a jealous person, or being a person person, just two different types of people. Some people want to become more jealous, some people want to become more compersive. But for me, I'm just a really compersive person, and it is one of the emotions that I am addicted to, and I feel really strongly, so I love to see other people succeed. And if I can like help them do that, like by having my pom poms over here, that's so good for me. So um, yeah, I like dating people that want to date other people, or flirt with other people, or whatever.
Hannah Witton
I love that. I also love the idea of there's just so many different kinds of non monogamy, and I feel like one of the things that people struggle with is like oh, polyamory, or non monogamy, or open relationship, is like this one thing and that is like against monogamy, like in some way it's like threatening to monogamy.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, I think that monogamous people are like, if this is okay then I feel bad. Sometimes I think that people are like secretly polyamorous or whatever, they're just like oh yeah I had this feeling towards this someone, but guess what, I have self fucking control and I'm not gonna act on it, I'm not ever gonna tell anyone about it, I'm gonna sit here and silently feel guilty, right. And if someone is presenting their lifestyle to you, like I'm polyamorous and it's okay to be polyamorous, it's okay for you to be attracted to the person, it's okay for for all of those feelings that you happen to have, and they're like how fucking dare, you have worked for 10 years feeling guilty about this. You know what I mean?
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
So it's like it's like attacking their identity sometimes, when it's like, nah, dude. Everybody can exist in the same world, we can all have our different opinions, and value systems, and whatever, and it's okay for me to be polyamorous. It's okay for you to deny yourself being attracted to someone else, if that makes you feel good. If that lines up with your morals and values, fucking do that.
Hannah Witton
Yeah, I kind of feel like maybe there are some people in the world who are just like, blinkers up, only attracted to like one person at a time. I feel like I definitely used to be that kind of person. Where like as soon as I started getting feelings for someone else, my feelings for the first person would just like disappear.
Stevie Boebi
Well I did that because I was like, I wasn't that the feelings disappeared, I was like, no this means I don't love them. If I can have a crush on someone else, this means I don't love them, so I need to break up with them. What the fuck?
Hannah Witton
Maybe that's what I was doing. I just remember just being like, well I guess I better jump ship.
Stevie Boebi
Holy shit.
Hannah Witton
But um, do you think that polyamorous is like a lifestyle, or like kind of like a sexual orientation?
Stevie Boebi
I think it's kind of romantic orientation, or like, yeah, because you can identify as polyamorous right?
Hannah Witton
Yeah
Stevie Boebi
Because it has nothing to do with your actions. So like as a lesbian, I can go and have sex with as many guys as I want, and still be a lesbian. So just like I can be a polyamorous person and be in as many exclusive relationships where I'm not seeing anyone else as I want. So because that can be separated, I think that it's more of an orientation.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
Because if it was a lifestyle choice, like I can choose to be, to live a life where I have like a throuple, where we have 17 babies, and live on a farm or whatever. You know what I mean? It's not my dream, I'm just saying.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
I just think it has, it has to do with your capacity to love more than one person at a time. I talked to so many monogamous people that are like, like holy fucking shit, Jessica and Claudia, most monogamous people I've ever god damn met.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
They're like, literally I was attracted to everyone before, and now I only have eyes for you.
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
And like, they're like, we're down to entertain the idea, talk to me about how you feel and then you know I'll be like well like this happens and they'll be like fuck no, no -
Hannah Witton
No, don't experience that at all
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, and it's like so fucking cute, and I think monogamy is beautiful, and polyamory is beautiful, and being polyamorous but being in an open situation where you're like, listen, multiple relationships is too fucking much for me, but guess what? I want to make out with some other people sometimes. Is that cool with you?
Hannah Witton
Yeah.
Stevie Boebi
It's cool with me too, sweet.
Hannah Witton
You know, I think, I just wish that everyone found like, whatever balance it is that works for their relationship or relationships. Rather than just like putting this premade like template of a relationship like, and it's like the cookie cutter is like the wrong shape, and they're just like trying to fucking squeeze into it. And just like, that not fitting and now I'm upset, and hurt, and this relationship is failing and it's like -
Stevie Boebi
And then you see another cookie cutter shape that you fit better into, and someone who's like, look at my perfect cookie cutter, and then they're like, fuck you.
Hannah Witton
How dare you!
Stevie Boebi
Look at this great cookie cutter I'm in, that I squeeze myself into when I worked so hard to fit into, fuck you.
Hannah Witton
Yeah. You're saying I've wasted the last 15 years of my life trying to get into this cookie shape? When I could have been going in that one instead? No! And, and then that's where we're gonna end it. Thanks so much for chatting with me, Stevie.
Stevie Boebi
Yeah, I had no idea where this was gonna go. It went pretty great, I liked it.
Hannah Witton
Me neither, I just love talking to you. You're great.
Stevie Boebi
You're great.
Hannah Witton
Shall we watch more of Charisma on Command videos now?
Stevie Boebi
Oh my God, literally, they did not sponsor this podcast, I promise, but we literally sold the shit out of them.
Hannah Witton
We did. And now I want to watch more. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for listening to Doing It. If you enjoyed it, I would really appreciate it if you left a rating and a review. You can find show notes at DoingItPodcast.co.uk, and do go follow us on social media and I'll catch you in the next episode. This was a global original podcast.